I Gave This Man Too Much Too Soon

January 21, 2016 at 9:00 am


Diary of A Future Spouse


Dear Duke,

Today we will revisit a past Diary of A Future Spouse post of a real life dating story that was submitted.

I dated a man for 5 months. During the 5 month relationship, I did everything I could to show this man that I was the exception, which was my mistake. This man had a son from a previous relationship. I loved his son the moment I held him.


According to him, his son’s mother did not want to work and was cheating on him. That’s why the relationship ended. During my relationship with him, he gave me the key to his apartment, introduced me to his family and even got me a job where he works. Our relationship did not succeed.


I took care of his son as if he was my own. I fed him, bathed him, watched him while his father worked and even bought him clothes and a crib without being asked to. The man I dated had to pay child support and was even served a summons to court for being late according to his son’s mother, when it was a clerical error. During this time, I helped put together a case for this man to get more custody of his son.


The only thing I asked him to do was to stop flirting with women on his social sites and he couldn’t even do that. It is very disappointing that men put decent women to the side for social status. And even more unfortunate for their children.


The Duke’s Response: Thank you for writing in. You summarized everything in your first sentence when you said, “During the 5 month relationship, I did everything I could to show this man that I was the exception, which was my mistake.” It was a mistake, but it’s a mistake you will learn from. For starters, it was a 5 month relationship and you had already given so much of yourself.


You took care of his son as if he was your own. You essentially played house with this man. You both were playing marriage, but key components were missing, like actually being married. There is a lot you still don’t know about a person after 5 months.


This situation falls directly in line with what I reiterate quite often, Don’t Give A Man Husband Benefits When He Is On A Boyfriend Plan! You essentially gave him all the rights and privileges that would have come with being married. However, it appears he did some of the same. You had a key to his place in less than 5 months. Granted, it appears it was more of a convenience for him since you were taking care of his son while he was at work.


You had already met his family, which is fine. However, just because you met his family early on does not always mean much. Some men bring a lot of different women around their family, and some are very selective in who they bring around their family. So, it all depends as to how much stock to put into the fact that you met his family.


It sounds as though you fell in love with the idea of having a family of your own, and you were playing the role of wife while he was going along for the ride. You clearly gave more in the relationship than he did. You spoiled him without him having to put forth much effort, and he couldn’t get past something as simple as flirting with women on social media.


You said that was the only thing you asked him to stop doing, and he couldn’t even do that. You were trying to compromise with him on something he should not have been doing to begin with, but you were the one making all the sacrifices. You invested so much time and energy into the relationship and with his son that I’m sure that even in 5 months, it was difficult to let that go.


You invested a lot in him, but I’m certain that you saw red flags along the way. You saw the continual flirting with other women, and I’m sure that you noticed something that caused you to have to pay closer attention to what he was or was not doing. Sure, it was nice of him to help you get a job where he worked, but that’s something any friend would do if they could help. You on the other hand were making his life much easier.


You did what most women would do by helping him put some things together for a case to spend more time with his son if it’s something he really wanted. You supported him. However, from the tone of the letter, you spent so much time trying to prove to him that you were different. So, you must ask yourself, why did you feel the need to prove it? Who were you competing with?


Just being you and showing that you care and giving time is a good start. Being yourself is the best thing you could do. You couldn’t be someone you weren’t. In other words, you were trying to win him by doing everything you could to show him how much you cared.


Yes, two people in a relationship should do things to show that they care about each other. Both parties should invest time, and words should be backed by actions. However, you went to the extreme in under 5 months because you gave him credit he had not earned. I understand that when you’re in it, you only know to give your all. However, giving too much too soon is something you must be aware of in the future.


This man showed you that he was not into you nearly as much as you were into him. In many relationships, one person may get further along in the relationship before the other. However, the key is that both parties are working towards a common goal. He wasn’t working towards what you were working towards because he was still entertaining other women.


I’m sure that he will try to get back with you because he is no fool. He knows that you gave him everything. He knows he had a great setup, but he still wanted to play the field. However, when he does attempt to come back, you must be true to yourself. He showed you where he stood in the relationship, and when you saw it, you gave him the benefit of the doubt and continued to give your all.


I suppose that you eventually had enough of his entertaining other women, but I can tell that you’re still vulnerable. So, you must be very careful. I can tell from the of the message that if he were to come back tomorrow and appear to be remorseful, you might jump at the opportunity because of how much you invested in it.


I’m preparing you now because if you already are broken up, he will try to come back because you had him spoiled. He was getting marriage benefits without the commitment. He was getting free catering, housekeeping and babysitting, and I assure you that he knew he had an advantage over you.


I’m sure that after multiple warnings about the flirting, he tried to make you feel like you were crazy or that it wasn’t that serious. He tried to reverse it on you like you were jealous or insecure. Yet, the facts were on the table. It was obvious what he was doing, but he felt he could say or do as he pleased because he thought you were wrapped around his finger.


However, he gambled because he didn’t know when you would reach your breaking point and walk away. At the end of the day, you don’t have to apologize for being a loving and kind woman. However, the issue is you gave too much too soon. Also, not only did he take it for granted, but he took advantage of it.


He couldn’t respect you enough not to entertain other women. I know it upset you because you had bonded with his son. However, he also should not have allowed you to get so close to his son in less than 5 months. You both barely knew each other, so being around his son so soon shows that he was careless, especially in knowing that he entertained other women. Even if you both knew each other prior, it was still too much too soon.


That creates an unstable environment for his son, and likely will confuse him, especially if the child is introduced to other women often. I don’t know how his son’s mother felt about it, but it just goes to show he was happy for the help you gave him. I’m not sure if you spoke to the mother or he just told you what she said. Either way, too much happened too soon. You’re right. The child is a casualty in the situation as well.


The past is now the past, and the best thing you can do is move forward and don’t allow this situation to scorn you. At the end of the day, you’re trying to get to the 1. No matter how much you love someone or how much love you show; if they’re not the 1, they’re just not the 1.


The bright light in this all is that it was only 5 months. It may have felt like more because of how much you invested, but it was still less than a year. So, the sooner you found out who he really was, the better. You could have been much more tied up in him and the situation. I know it doesn’t feel good, but trust me, you will be better than ok.


You have much more love to give, and it will be with the right 1. Even better, the right 1 will show you the type of love you have never experienced before.


In the meantime, rest in the comfort in knowing that the 1 exists and you will meet him in due time. This hurt will eventually pass, and you will look back over it and be very grateful that you got off of that rollercoaster ride.


As always, remember that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Relationship Advisor,
The Duke logo 1


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