Q: I am in need of your help Duke really…My question is how do I stop being so aggressive? My friend who’s my brother has told me that I act like a man when it comes to relationships. I am starting to think he’s right.  I need help because I don’t want to come off wrong to a guy but I just do.  I approach them rather than wait.  Can you help me break this habit or cycle.  I really don’t want to be like this anymore.

A: This question ties in with some of the other questions I have responded to in the past, but it sounds as though you have recognized the problem, admitted it is a problem and are now seeking a resolution. You are on the right track. It is obvious that you are an aggressive women when it comes to men. You see someone you want or begin talking to a man and you then proceed to take charge. This of course is role reversal. You are taking a positive step forward because some women who are aggressive will either not admit it or get defensive when they hear the truth. So, I don’t have to go off on a long rant about why you should not be aggressive. You simply want to know how to stop.

What you are in need of is discipline. To break any habit begins with a desire. You have the desire. So, you certainly need to pray and ask God to help you overcome it. Being aggressive towards men will automatically take away a certain level of respect because you have made it so easy. Maybe you can store that aggression until you are married. It will have its place then and only then in relationships. Until then, a man wants to feel like a man and wants to pursue. He wants to go after what he wants. When you are the one going after what you want, some men don’t know how to take it. Some men will play along just for fun. You are starting to think your friend was right, and he was.  You apparently have not been getting the results you desired. You are starting to think that your friend is right because you have had numerous unsuccessful attempts. Sometimes we have to fall down a few times to finally see the bigger picture.

A key point you made is that you approach them rather than wait. This means that you are impatient. You want what you want when you want it. We all want what we want but some exercise more patience than others. I am sure that many can relate to wanting what you want now. Some have learned how to adjust and some are still adjusting. I believe it is something we all have to constantly watch. I am sure that you have come to find that what you thought you wanted did not always measure up to be what you thought they were.  Part of the problem is that you have a problem waiting. That is like you are telling God that He is taking too long and you can handle it yourself. I am sure that you have discovered that the handling of it yourself does not work out so well. Think about the men you have been aggressive towards. Think about the results. Think about some of the things that were said to you. Think about how you felt at the end. This will help you think about not wanting to experience that again. You just have to take it one day at a time and realize as I have said time and time again that Women are the Gift. Eve was God’s gift to Adam. If you are taking yourself off of the shelf, you are now exposing yourself to some men who actually don’t even deserve your time. Some items on a shelf in stores are too high to reach and someone has to get a ladder to reach it. AS A WOMAN, YOU SHOULD BE SO HIGH ON THE SHELF; A MAN WILL HAVE TO BE WILLING TO CLIMB TO REACH YOU! This keeps away all of the boys who want to play games and feel they have a buffet of choices, and leaves room for the men who know how and are willing to climb.

You have to truly recognize who you are. Once you fully realize that you are a Queen, you are beautiful, intelligent, strong, etc. then you will realize that you are insulting yourself when you chase after a man. When you chase a man, you are saying that you are desperate. I never heard of a Queen going after anyone, but people always come to the Queen. This goes back to knowing your worth. You have to ask yourself, am I cheap or expensive? This may sound harsh, but it is harsh reality. Scripture tells us in the famous Proverbs 31, that a virtuous women’s worth is far above rubies. You can break this cycle through prayer and knowing your worth. I assure you that when you know your worth, you won’t be so quick to take yourself off the shelf. I submit to you that if you and countless other women of royalty will stay on the shelf, it will make it a little easier for men who are ready and seeking their wives to not have to wait so long for you to get right. This is the same for men who have been going for the cheap stuff that cost them no sacrifice. Those who act cheap are not quite ready for the next level. Those who go after cheap are also not ready for the next level. However, there are great women who have stayed on the shelf because they refuse to cheapen their worth. Stay on the shelf until the 1 comes along. He will be ready in due season. You will be ready in due season.

He may very well be on your aisle, but every time he comes down the aisle, it appears that what he is looking for is sold out or missing. So, after numerous hurts and disappointments, you finally get filled back up and put back on the shelf. This time when you allow God to fill you back up, please do your best to stay on the shelf. It will benefit all parties involved. Stay on the shelf, you are worth it. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Q: Did Ruth Position herself for Boaz?

A: You raise a great question as it stems from the last Question of the Week, in which I mentioned that a woman should not try to position herself for a man. In doing this, you are trying to make it happen, and ultimately a man will know what he wants and should pursue the woman. The simple answer would be No. It appears that Ruth positioned herself from our modern view, but during her time, she was not positioning herself. She was practicing an ancient Near Eastern custom.

Now, we hear women say all the time that they are waiting for their Boaz. So, I will get right into it, as I will have to give a historical background of the story of  Ruth and Boaz. For the sake of length, I will not go into full detail of the story. You can find it in the Bible in the book of Ruth.

The question is stemmed from the 3^rd chapter in the Book of Ruth.  Ruth was living with her mother-in-law Naomi and they both were widows. So, Naomi took on responsibility as a parent during that time to arrange a marriage and informed Ruth that she needed to find her a home where she would be well provided for and have security. So, Naomi told Ruth to wash up, put on perfume and her best clothes and then go to the threshing floor where Boaz was located at night and lay at his feet. The threshing floor was where the farmers would remove the grain from the husks and separate the good grain from the weeds. Boaz would be found sleeping there late at night to defend against any robbers who may have attempted to steal the grain.

So, Ruth followed the instructions of her mother-in-law and laid at Boaz’s feet. This was dangerous and risky because Ruth could have been attacked at night, if Boaz was not a good man, he also could have taken advantage of her. This was not something that would have been encouraged. During these times, it was customary for the wife to enter the bed at her husband’s feet, go under the covers and then lie next to him. Ruth, was instructed to just lay at his feet, as she was not his wife.  This may seem like an aggressive move or “positioning herself” in our culture, but in actuality, this was a sign of humility and submission on Ruth’s part. During those times, to lay at one’s feet was what servants did with their masters. So, Ruth was showing humility and submission to whatever Boaz instructed her to do, which is what Naomi told her she should do.

What we must realize is that Ruth was attempting to claim her rights because Boaz was her Goel (kinsman redeemer). However, instead of coming to command that he do his part, she came humbly. The kinsman redeemer had a number of responsibilities, and one of them was to buy back land of their deceased family member or to marry the widow of the deceased family member. In this case, Boaz was a family member of Naomi’s deceased husband Elimelech.  So, Ruth had a right to expect Boaz to marry her to carry on the family name of Elimelech. This was not the same thing as a Levirate marriage, in which the brother of the deceased was to marry the widow and made sure they had a child together to carry on the family name. In this case, there was no brother, so the responsibility gets passed on to the kinsman redeemer.
However, Boaz had the right to accept or reject.  This shows Ruth’s loyalty to her mother-in-law Naomi because Ruth had the right to marry a younger man and into a completely different family and not be concerned about Naomi’s husband’s family name. Boaz was at least an entire generation older than her. Naomi and Ruth were poor now and Naomi had to sell some of her husband’s land, which is another reason why Boaz was expected to buy it back.

Prior to Naomi’s instructions to Ruth, Boaz had already noticed Ruth. He later found out who Ruth was and how loyal she was to come to a foreign country with Naomi. So, he treated Ruth well. Instead of picking up the grain left behind by the harvesters with the rest of the poor individuals, Boaz allowed her to work with the women who worked for him and told the men not to do anything to her regardless of her status. He also allowed her to eat with them and had some of his men assist her with picking some of the grain. So, Boaz already began taking care of her. He already showed an interest.

Ruth approached quietly at night to where Boaz was sleeping. She stayed there patiently at his feet until something startled him. It was nothing Ruth did because she was waiting quietly and patiently, and then Boaz recognized her, and asked who she was. She confirmed who she was and told him that he is the family kinsman redeemer. Boaz accepted the role. Again, he did not have to. However, he informed her that there was another kinsman redeemer who was more closely related to Naomi’s husband than he was, but if he would not take on the role, Boaz would. At the end, the other kinsman redeemer was willing to redeem or buy back the land that was lost, but when he was told he also had to acquire Ruth who was the widow, he declined. So, Boaz was next in line and redeemed the land and Ruth.

What can we take from this during our times? Boaz was a good man and he showed an interest by essentially placing Ruth on the same status as those who worked for him, even though she was poor. So, Boaz showed that he was willing to be a provider. Ruth showed that she was loyal to family and was willing to do what she had to do to preserve the legacy of her husband and his father.

Boaz recognized Ruth while she was working trying to provide for her own family. She was not hard pressed to find a man to take care of her. She was not even concerned about a husband. She did what she had to do. It was her mother-in-law Naomi who even brought the idea up to her. When Ruth came to the threshing floor, Boaz did not even comment on her beauty. He mentioned how her act was kinder than her 1^st act of coming to the town with her mother-in-law, and now she was trying to preserve her mother-in-law husband’s family name. So, he said he would do for her all that she asked. Then, the key thing is Boaz said that everyone in his town knew that she was a virtuous woman. Ruth’s character spoke more than her words.

Ruth’s character is what attracted Boaz the most. Are you working on your assignment? Are you focused on what you need to be doing right now? Just like Boaz, your future husband will be willing to do anything for you that you ask because of who you are. So, you will never have to position yourself for a man. I have always observed women from a distance when I saw something in them. You may never know when a man is observing you from a distance and watching what you say and do. I hear women in the church say all the time that men rarely approach them or ask them out. Yes, some are not ready for commitment and standards, but that’s not who you want. What I do know is that for many who are seeking a wife, I assure you they are observing. Some women I have observed, I stopped observing because of something that I saw that did not work for me. Not that they were a bad person, but just like a woman should not want any man but a husband. A man should not want any woman but a wife. Men who are ready to marry have on their radars and are observing.  Your “Boaz” will or is already looking for you. You never know who is observing you. Also, every man who observes you from a distance is not your husband. Every man who approaches you is not your husband. It is only 1. So, focus on doing what you do best because we can tell when a woman is trying to position herself. Take my advice…Don’t do it. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Q: How can a woman get herself out of the “friend lane” to be someone a man will date seriously?

A: My dear subscriber. I could go a couple of different ways with this one, but I will keep it simple. At the end of the day, there is absolutely nothing that you can do to get out of the friend lane. You could go against all the principles I talk about and do a lot of things. You can try to position yourself. You could try to let him know you are interested. You could let him know exactly how you feel. You can participate in a song and dance. You can jump up and down with a sign that says, “can we be more than friends.” Those will not help your case. However, even if you do all of these things, it will not change how he ultimately feels. This goes back to 2 rules: 1.) If he never says and shows that he wants to be more than friends, DON’T ASSUME.

2.) A man knows what he wants…PERIOD.

Yes, I know that a woman also knows what she wants. At the end of the day, who wants to be with someone who you have to jump through hoops just to prove there is an interest? Yes, a man should work hard to get you because you are the gift. However, the work does not begin until there is proven interest. That is Relationship 101.  It does not take a lot to show that one is interested. Why would you want to get out of the friend lane if he apparently just wants to be friends? The fact that you have to wonder is already a caution flag. I do not know how long you have been in the friend lane, but of course, every relationship has to begin with some form of friendship. However, this goes back to intentions. What was his intention at the beginning, and what was your intention? If the 2 of you did not start on the right page, you could continue to operate on the wrong page.

You will cheat yourself EVERY TIME if you are in a situation where you have to do a lot of guesswork to know if he is interested or not. You will cheat yourself EVERY TIME if you have to put pressure on a man to commit. You may say that you don’t, but not many will admit that they applied pressure. You will cheat yourself EVERY TIME you have to try to interpret everything that he does. If he is interested and wants to be with you, it should be clear. Even if this was a friend that you knew for a while and just began to see him as more than friends. Guess what? The same way you had a change of heart is the same way he can have a change of heart. However, if he never says anything or shows it, then he did not have a change of heart.

Keep in mind that you are already someone a man would date seriously. This goes back to the core significance of Single For 1. You are Single for the 1 God ordained, not just any man. So, it doesn’t matter if you meet 20 men who do not want to date you seriously, the 1 will. As always, you always have a choice. You have your own standards. You can choose to not wait on the 1, and settle. There is such a thing as a counterfeit marriage. Remember, you have the ability to choose before that can happen. Yes, people may mess up along the way. You can never make excuses for what anyone else does, but you can always set a standard and know what you will or will not deal with.

Yes ladies, MEN ALSO HAVE STANDARDS. I promise you this one thing, not many men who are serious about getting married will want a woman who feels she has to position herself. He wants to earn his prize. If the truth be told, men like a challenge. Think about it, even boys try to act right for a little while if they are afraid they will lose you. The men who are acting like boys don’t want a challenge because they still want to play on the playground. The problem is you have been listening to the boys, and have allowed the boys to distort your view of men. Some men are hiding from the women who are always trying to position themselves. You can be hiding behind a rock, but the 1 will find you. As a woman, you must self-evaluate as well. The good men are doing their own thing because the good men also feel that too many good women are still playing around with boys. Shocking news to you, I know. Yes, there is also hope for the boys, because they too can become men. However, they should not be allowed in your circle until they mature into men. Age does not make you a man. There is nothing wrong with you, but too many of you have been listening to the wrong people. You have allowed boys to cause you to have a bad view of yourself.  Stay in the friend lane until you meet the man who could not bear to see you as just a friend. A man who will do all he must to get his gift. SET A STANDARD AND THE RIGHT ONE WILL EVENTUALLY COME. You all know that I love you all, but I cut no corners from the truth. Stop allowing boys to make you feel like something is wrong with you.  DON’T LISTEN TO THE WANTS OF A BOY TRYING TO GIVE YOU ADVICE ABOUT THE WANTS OF A MAN! Enough said. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Q:If you are just meeting a dude should you expect something from them on Valentine’s day. If you do or do not receive something is there a message behind it?

A: If you are just meeting a guy, you shouldn’t be expecting gifts at the beginning when you don’t even really know each other that well. You have no history with him for the gift to be that significant. I don’t believe that anyone should necessarily want a gift for Valentine’s Day if it is based off mere tradition or obligation alone. Yes, I hear some of you saying that a free gift is a free gift. However, you know what I mean. Is there truly something behind it? If he did choose to give you a gift, that is fine. However, let’s say that he did give you a gift, does this mean anything? Absolutely not. You are just meeting him, so at this point, even if there is an attraction, you are just getting to know him. So, if he did not get you a gift at this point, it does not mean anything and if he did get you a gift this early on it does not mean anything. It’s too soon to tell anything. Focus on getting to know the person before you are concerned about a gift. ANYONE IS QUALIFIED TO GIVE YOU A GIFT, BUT NOT EVERYONE IS QUALIFIED TO BE A GIFT. In other words, being a gift is showing love on more than just 1 day.

Everyone does not handle Valentine’s Day in the same way. Some see it as a reminder that you are single, others see it as a reminder that you are free from a bad relationship. You should prefer to be with the right one on Valentine’s Day rather than just any one. I know the day has come and gone, but you must realize that whether it is Valentine’s Day, Christmas or your birthday, you don’t want no fake love. You want the real deal. Even if you were all alone on Valentine’s Day, you were all alone for the 1. He could be all the way across the country, but if he is the 1, he will find you. In the meantime, it’s ok to celebrate with others.  I am also sure that many of you know people who celebrated with someone on Valentine’s Day and they know they settled. Even if they don’t admit it, you know that they settled. You are still in a position to where you can prevent that. Don’t settle for just a gift. The gift won’t keep you. Don’t settle for just any man. Always remember in every encounter that YOU ARE THE GIFT!! That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Q: I hate always being the only 1 not on the single bandwagon. All of your posts are sooooo Women wait and Men be free spirits. Women hold out for the 1. You deserve it and Men screw everything while you can and say God is working on you. Makes me nauseated! I’m glad I decided not to date or even think about “men” because it is so 1 sided. And No I am not an angry black woman. I know you did not create the order, but we have fallen so far from where God intended us to be, but yet a woman is supposed to still uphold the Godly standard while a man doesn’t?? Yeah, all the women on your blog act like being single is the best thing since sliced cheese, and I am like, stop lying to yourself and faking it! I believe there are many single women who have found joy in the midst of their situation but I do not know one that is completely happy with being single. There is a difference.

A: I fully understand that there is a trend impacting many men and women that have taken us away from the way God intended. Whenever flesh is in control of something, it will never be right. However, I have and will never imply that men can do anything they want and just say God is working on them. As I’m sure you have read in many posts, this is the man who I encourage women to avoid and recognize the signs. The type of man you are referring to is not ready to be anyone’s 1 right now. Men need to hold up a standard as well. However, if you are impatient, then that can easily be the type of man you settle for if you are not careful. You have to know what your standards are. Your standard may not be another woman’s standard, but I sure hope it’s a high enough standard that you can truthfully be proud of. If all women came together and raised the bar by setting standards, many men would then be left with no choice but to get right.  I am reminding women that they are ultimately the gift, and that they need to take their rightful place back as the gift, not allowing any man to make them feel otherwise. Who cares if he makes you feel like he has so many choices so you should be happy with what you have. Now you are afraid and doing any and everything, even lowering your standards to keep an Imposter posing as the “1” around. As far as you are concerned, if he is not the 1, he shouldn’t have a Choice to be with you. I’m sure this concept may sound radical or seem difficult, but it is truth in black and white. Sure, it is difficult at times to stand up for what is right. It can get lonely at times. YOU SHOULD PREFER TO BE LONELY FOR A SEASON THAN MISERABLE FOR A LIFETIME.

I also fully intend to address men directly as well in the near future. However, if one does not desire to wait and hold out for the 1 God has, we all have free will. Post after post has been an effort to help women stray away from settling. The problem is impatience for men and women. The moment you get tired of waiting and do your own thing, you run into unnecessary trouble. If you are tired of waiting, you can stop waiting and take the first man who comes along. I have said before that it is not hard for a woman to get a man, but you shouldn’t want any man, you should want the man for you. Ask yourself, do you want temporary relief or permanent gain? I get rocks thrown at me all the time because ultimately, no one likes to wait. When did not waiting on God ever turn out for the best? We kick and scream, but His will has and always will be better than what we “think” we want or need.

The key is that while you are waiting, you are doing what you are supposed to do.  A husband is not your purpose. A wife is not a man’s purpose. WHEN YOUR DESIRE FOR A SPOUSE BECOMES STRONGER THAN YOUR DESIRE TO FULFILL YOUR PURPOSE, YOU ARE NOT READY! I assure you that if you were to really take a step back, there are many things that you could be doing in the mean time.  WHEN YOU FIND YOUR PURPOSE BEFORE A SPOUSE, YOU NOW HAVE SOMETHING YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO RATHER THAN SOMEONE YOU ARE WAITING FOR!

I am not so convinced that you do not think about men. Let’s be honest here. If you were not thinking about a man, you would not have made your statement or posed any questions. You said you are not on the single bandwagon. So ultimately, you are tired of being single. If you were not, you also would not have said that many women are acting as though they are 100% happy being single. I understand that you are frustrated because of how things appear. Quite naturally, if one desires to marry, they do not desire to remain single.  Being single does not mean that you don’t have a desire to marry. There are women who are happy being single. However, this does not mean that you will not have moments. It only becomes an issue when you have more moments than you are happy.

You say that it is so 1 sided. There are great men available and great women. However, there are men who think there are few good available women and women who feel there are few good available men. When one makes this assumption, why entertain the thought of marriage? As I have stated numerous times before, you should not want just a man, you want a husband. That 1 husband that is for you is for you! You are Single For 1. So, it doesn’t matter how many you think are available. The 1 is available for you. There are men who need to clean up their act, and there are women who need to do the same. Single For 1 is not for the faint of heart. Single For 1 is a lifestyle. Single For 1 is a movement. You are Single for That “1” God has ordained for you. So, please get back on the bandwagon and give it a try. Thank you for your feedback. See you on the blog. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Dear The Duke,

I want to share a situation that I have dealt with not too long ago, and the main reason I am sharing this is because I want to help some other single person who may be in the same situation and for advice for myself to help bring a sense of closure. Last year I was in college, and I had a friend who introduced me to a guy she knew. She told him, “Hey, I think you and this young lady (talking about me) would really hit it off well.” That night she gave him my number and we talked over the telephone that night and it was that night that I sensed that this young man had a calling on his life. I didn’t ask him about it the first night nor did he mention it to me. So, our conversation continued, which he confirmed that he was indeed a man of the cloth. I could feel that our connection was getting stronger, for he had made it known that in time, and with much prayer and seeking the face of God, he wanted to make it official. I felt the same way, like I said the connection was there, and it was mostly a spiritual connection.

I began praying that God would have His way through us and the relationship as a whole. The young lady who introduced us was asking me if we were still talking and how we were doing. I told her that we were fine, and she told me that if the young man came to me to become more than friends that I should tell him no because he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I became very confused at this point because I could not understand that if she felt this way, why would she even take the time to have introduced us.

To shorten the story a little, I talked to the young man about it and I continued to pray. We made it official in February 2010. I couldn’t find a reason why we shouldn’t have been together, and the young lady (my friend) never told me why she felt the way she did. I understood and I had no problem with him and her being friends, as they were friends before the relationship between him and I. However, it came to the point of late night talking where she was calling him in the wee hours of the morning and things of that sort. Yes, I know he had a responsibility to me because we were in a relationship. She also had a responsibility because she was my friend and one that I felt was my sister in Christ. She was one I prayed with and for. I take my prayer time very seriously and this young lady saw me at my most vulnerable times.

One day in April the young man contacted me and stated that God had to do a work in him and the way God was showing himself in me, he really had to get himself together so that we could remain friends. He said that if it was God’s will, we would reconnect.  I admit that I was hurt, but I can’t fight what God does. I began my healing process.  I stayed in my word and in prayer. August came around and I was not in the same city. He contacted me through email because we lost contact as far as the phone was concerned.  In the email, he said how the Lord had been dealing with him concerning our relationship as well as to where God wanted to take me. I emailed him when I got back in town because I knew I had to consult with God.

I contacted him and I told him to call me because I felt that was not a conversation to have over email. So he called me and the connection (which, I felt had never left) was still there. After a few conversations, we decided to try it again. We did, and everything was fine until I was told that his friends would never accept me (still to this day I don’t know why).  So, we broke up again, and I am trying to find a sense of closure to the whole thing. So, if you or anyone can shed light on this I would greatly appreciate it.

The Duke’s Response: Thank you for your email. To begin with, there are already too many hands in this pot. We have you, your ex boyfriend, a mutual friend of the both of you and his friends that supposedly would never accept you. That is already enough for a starting 5 for a basketball team. In any relationship, the more hands involved can create unnecessary drama. There is nothing wrong with advice, but you should always be careful who you take advice from. Taking advice from individuals who have a vested interest in the situation or a conflict of interest can spell trouble. Let’s dig into the meat of what is really going on.

So, you have a friend who played matchmaker. You and the young man hit it off in the beginning. You said that immediately, there was a spiritual connection. This is good. However, it is also easy to turn what was simply supposed to be a spiritual connection into something more. That can make things complex. While on the other hand, having that connection with the 1 you are supposed to be with is vital.

The female friend who introduced the 2 of you came back around and said that you and the young man should not get together because he was not ready for a relationship. Ok, this is a red flag already. You said that she is someone you pray with and someone who have seen you at your most vulnerable times. You said that she also called the young man on the phone late at night. I would imagine that if she was as close as you say, and as close to your male friend as you say, shouldn’t she have known if the 2 of you were still talking? I would think that either you or the young man would have made this known if you were as close as you say.

Now, she never told you why he was not ready to be in a relationship. It could be very possible that she knew something you didn’t. I’m sure some of my subscribers to the blog may think that your friend and the young man had something going on. I am not so sold on that idea at this point. I believe that she may have known things that he was doing or things about him that you were not made aware of. Perhaps the reason she did not tell you is because she had a conflict of interest. She was your friend and his friend. You stated that you were confused. She introduced the 2 of you because at first, she really did believe that you 2 would be a good match. However, there is no question something changed after that.

I understand that this was in college, so people do tend to stay up late on campus in college. So, I do not know if you and the young man were talking on the phone late at night or were around each other late at night when your friend called him in the early morning hours. I am also going to assume that he told her that he was having a conversation with you at the time of the late call. However, you and the young man made it official that you were together in February, but he came back 2 months later to say that he had to get himself together because of what he saw God doing in you. So, this sounds to me that he was not ready for a serious commitment. Now, the question is, what happened in that short time frame for him to have such a change of heart? I highly doubt it that it was just his revelation from God to back away. There is a strong possibility that your friend was on to something about him not being ready. Again, she knew something you did not know.

Now, 4 months later, he pops back up saying that the Lord was dealing with him about you two. It sounds to me that he already knows that the only way he can even begin to have true conversation with you is by bringing the Lord into it. You cannot depend on his interpretation; you must hear God for yourself. If this conviction was so strong, I ask you, why did his friends not accepting you cause the 2 of you to breakup?  It sounds to me that he came back around for something that you may have left out of this story. I am not going to come out and say the 2 of you were intimate, but for him to be jumping in and out of a relationship with you and then going on his way lets me know if it was not intimate, it was certainly something that kept him coming back. I want to say it was the anointing on your life, but his conviction was not strong enough if he says the Lord said 1 thing, but he can’t make up his mind. Something or someone is distorting his view. You said that at the beginning, the connection was mainly spiritual. I truly believe that there was a spiritual connection, but it was quickly distorted with other things. Again, too many people were involved.

It makes absolutely no sense as to why his friends would not accept you. If this were the case, he knew this before you got back together. Also, it sounds to me that the friends who would not accept you are likely females. He was probably telling them everything about your relationship together, or he left out key details. It was probably one-sided, so they probably viewed you in a certain way. I don’t know any males who would care who their male friends were with unless it was a very bad situation.

All in all, you said that you originally got back together after a few conversations. You were still not over him. You let him back in too quickly, which is why he was able to jump ship so quickly. IF YOU LET A MAN IN THE DOOR WITH LITTLE EFFORT, IT MAKES IT MUCH EASIER FOR HIM TO WALK OUT THE DOOR WITH LITTLE EFFORT. I am quite confident that he will pop back up again in the near future. He was not ready for a true commitment. When he broke up with you the 1^st time, he said that he had to get himself together so you could remain friends. What was he getting together so much that it required complete separation and no communication for 4 months? Other things and people were on his mind, that’s what! He still wanted to be a free man to do what he wanted. Bottom line is he was just not ready for commitment to you. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy. He sounds like a guy who just does not know what he wants, not realizing the impact the emotional rollercoaster would have on you. A MAN WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS IS A MAN WHO DOES NOT CARE WHAT HE GETS. When a man is in this state, he may get confused and fall for anything or anyone. A man in this state is not relationship ready. He would be unsteady. A man in this state would not recognize the true gift that a good woman is. The problem is that he was not upfront with you. All he had to say was that he didn’t see the relationship going any further and that he wanted to move on. He chose to dress it up with nicer words. When he got bored, he came back. I suggest you let him get himself together on someone else’s watch. If he was really into you, he would have gotten himself together with you by his side for the fear of him losing you. I heard you talk about a lot of what he said, but little of what he did. Action gives feet to words.

Continue your healing process. He has closure in his mind, but you have to take 1 day at a time. Continue to pray and focus on what you have to focus on. Keep dreaming, keep believing and the 1 will come. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

For a chance to get a response and advice to your relationship questions or situations, feel free to send an email to singlefor1@gmail.com

Q: Do you think a guy has communication issues if they would rather text than talk? One guy asked me did I want to marry him over a text… ???? when I received this text I did become upset and fussed @ him b/c this is not something you send over a text. It was misconstrued… He didn’t mean for now… But I’ve noticed most guys are doing this now.

A: I touched on this text messaging frenzy briefly in a blog post in July 2010 entitled, “5 Things Not To Get Excited About When A Man Does This!” Refer back to that as well.

Text messaging, emailing, facebook/twitter messaging, etc are new ways to hide or test out your reaction without actually saying anything. So, as you have noticed, some men enjoy texting to avoid having an actual conversation. Some men say things through text message to test what your reaction will be. It’s easy to hide behind a text message because if you respond in a different way from what they were hoping, they can always use the famous line… “I was just joking.” I’m sure they were just joking after you embarrassed them. Well, it was a text message, so it is hard to determine when someone was joking or when they were serious. I understand that during the day when individuals are at work, it may be easier to communicate through text, but after work hours, communication on the phone is necessary to really get to know someone. A man can text you and be sitting with another woman. A man can text you and tell you how much they miss you and be on a date with another woman. So, it is easy to hide behind a text message.

You are right, text messages can easily be misconstrued. The guy who sent you the text message to marry him was likely testing you out to see your reaction. That is not something you communicate through text message. It clearly is not something he is serious about because that would require a serious verbal and face to face communication. He didn’t mean for now? Well, what he really wanted to know was how you would react. That is absolutely not something that you play with, especially if one or both of you already have feelings involved.

If he would rather text than talk, he may not necessarily have a communication problem, but he may have a communication problem with you. I guarantee you that he has to have clear communication in other areas in his life, and when he wants something, he has no problem communicating that with anyone. Texting and emailing are simply upgrades from writing letters and sending postcards. Those are only temporary means of communication, but never permanent.

Hiding behind the text message is a major trend. Individuals are asking others to pay bills, borrow money, babysit, borrow your car, go out on a date, deliver bad news, express how they felt about a situation, fuss, etc all through text messaging. Many are using text messaging and emails to ask questions they are afraid to ask in person or over the phone.

Ultimately, text messaging should never be a primary mode of communication. It should only serve as an alternative when one is currently unable to talk on the phone. Keep your eyes and ears open to see if a man communicates a lot of information through text, rather than on the phone. If  the majority of his invitations to go out or how he feels about you is through text message, that is a major red flag. Let me give you an example to see how too much texting can be problematic and misleading. Those who know me well know that I am not a fan of mass text messages or forwards. I like them to be personalized, whether it is a special holiday or not. It is likely that I will not respond if I feel it was sent to a mass group of individuals. There may be a few exceptions. So, think about this…It is very possible that 1 man can send the same text message to 5 women and you would never know. “I miss you” can be spoken in numerous languages. It could be the luck of the draw, whoever responds is the one that could get the conversation that night from him. This is why verbal communication should always be primary. Please don’t fall for the excuse that he does not like to talk on the phone much. If he is serious about you then, if he can text, he can talk. Period!! That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Q: If a woman is romantically interested in a guy who is her friend but is pretty sure he is not interested in her the same way, should she tell him anyway? My girlfriends would say no, just play it cool and he may come to think of you that way. My experience has been to tell him because sometimes they don’t know how you would take it…What are your thoughts?

A: There is no doubt that sometimes in friendships, one of the parties involved may develop feelings. This is also based off of what the original intention was from the beginning. If you are pretty sure he is not interested, then you should be pretty sure he is not interested! Let me make it a little clearer, as I have stated in a previous blog post: “If a man did not say he is interested, don’t assume.” In this case, you don’t assume he is interested, rather, you assume he is not. I’m pretty sure he is not interested either if he has not said it. If by some chance he was interested but is afraid to say it, then he is just not ready (SN: don’t hold onto this sentence as a reason to ignore everything else I have to say :).

So, as far as you are concerned, you should continue to believe that he is not interested unless he says otherwise. However, I would not be surprised at all if he already has an idea that you are interested, but he may not tell you. Certainly, he may also not say anything if he does not see you in that way. He could possibly know you are interested based off of the things you do or say.

I always say to be careful when taking relationship advice from your girlfriends. You have to be able to decipher the good advice from the bad advice. There is some validity to what they said in this case. You should play it cool, but the concept your girlfriends gave that he may come to see you in that way is dangerous grounds. If you continue to do this, you will feed off of his every word and action and could potentially set yourself up for unnecessary heartbreak. For example, if you see him with another woman, it could really hurt you.

So, you are at a crossroads. You have feelings, but don’t know what to do with them. If you hold onto it, it could begin to impact your friendship with this man. I never suggest telling a man you have feelings for him if he does not tell you even though communication is good. Really, you will have to begin to deal with your feelings. It’s what you do with those feelings that matter. So, if he did not say he is interested, you will need to try to control those feelings. If you do not, you will begin to have higher expectations from him than necessary. I leave you with this: As far as you should be concerned, if he didn’t say it, it doesn’t exist. Tough love, but someone has to give it. Again, the man pursues the woman.

Q: I know that you just recently did a blog for the Single for 1 With The Duke, but when and if the Spirit leads you….can you write about reaching that “crossroads” in the dating relationship. A lot of women get stuck here waiting on a man to decide when to let them know IF they are in a relationship. Many women get stuck here way to long…if you would write about what you see fit as it pertains to this topic.

A: This is a common pattern where a man and a woman are not officially in a relationship, but at the same time they are kind of in one. If you have already had the conversation about what you both are ultimately looking for, then of course it will be on the man to make the move. However, sitting around for months wondering could become problematic. So, if all of a sudden the man decides to go a separate way, many women become furious because they feel they wasted their time. It should be made clear up front. Apparently, you are not talking to him for the benefit of good health. So, there comes a time where you are at a crossroads and are confused. Part of you want to ask him what is going on, but the other part of you is thinking why should I ask him because he knows if he wants to be with me or not. Apparently, you already know you want to be with him.

Clearly, if you have to ask if you are in a relationship, you are not.  A man should have made some reference to what he wants. However, never play on words. Look at his actions. He may say, “you know you are the only woman I spend time with.” However, what he is not saying is that you are the only woman that he wants to spend time with. You have to know what your limit is. Your time is valuable. The longer it goes, the longer you will likely sit around and wait because you feel you have no reason to walk away. However, if it takes him an extended period of time to commit, then it is a strong possibility that he may not want to commit or is afraid to. Commitment comes with greater responsibility. You also don’t want to be in a position where you are applying pressure to the man, and he commits because of pressure. Pressured commitments typically turn out bad in the end. You have to know when too long is.

Ultimately, it goes back to time. Your time is valuable. Your attention is valuable. You are valuable. If he approached you, there was already an initial interest. So, after that,  the foundation is being built upon. When it gets to the point where the foundation is built and you have spent a lot of time together, and it’s past just being friends…that is when relationship comes into play. There is little wiggle room. If you two are just friends, then friendship rules must be enforced (obviously if the question is about that crossroads, then it’s past friendship). If you are past that, then the relationship conversation must come up. He needs to make known his intentions with you whether you are interested or not. Hear me when I say this, you only need to have this discussion once. He either wants a relationship or not. If there are reasons that prohibit him from a relationship then you need to begin preparing yourself and positioning yourself as a friend. This gets harder the longer you go. Again, you are the prize, so the prize never has to work for the person who is receiving it. You know when too long is too long. If you think it’s been too long, it has probably been too long. At this point, if you allow him to go along freely without making his intentions known and those intentions being backed by true action, then you are cosigning with any and all of his actions.

One of the biggest problems with some men in relationships is the very fact that some women have made it too easy for them in the past. So, when they encounter a woman with standards, they don’t know how to react. They may make you feel like something is wrong with you because they have been so used to being able to say and do anything they want and get away with it. So, now you are sitting around thinking that there may be something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. Now, I submit to you that there is something wrong if you do not have quality standards. If you cannot respect yourself, you cannot really expect for anyone else to. Stop making it so easy just because you are afraid that you will be alone. Stop making it so easy for a man to have your time. DON’T GIVE A MAN CREDIBILITY HE HAS NOT EARNED! Did you forget who you are?

I had a conversation with a friend recently that I was happy to hear. She said that she does not look at what a man says, but she looks for what he does or does not do. This is a valuable lesson. We learned this a long time ago, “actions speak louder than words.” Too many women have allowed men to come in and out of their lives as they choose. You have to take a stand for yourself.

Some women meet new men all the time. I have said time and time again that getting a man is never the problem. You can lower your standards any day to get any man. However, you do not want ANY man; you are waiting for THE MAN who is your husband. What happened to courtship? What happened to going to dinner more than once? Since when did 1^st dates happen at your place? Why does he even have access to your place so soon? Why do all these men meet your children and you don’t even know if you really like the man yet? Why are you doing things for him as if he is your husband? If this is the case, what will be different in the marriage? DON’T GIVE A MAN HUSBAND BENEFITS WHEN HE IS ON A BOYFRIEND PLAN. You can do just enough to make him want to marry you if he is the 1, but don’t give him everything before then. Since when did men not have to put in a lot of time to get some of your time? You cannot get a paycheck if you did not work.  DON’T ALLOW A MAN TO CASH A CHECK IN YOUR LIFE IF HE DID NOT WORK ENOUGH HOURS TO RECEIVE IT.

Let me also say that he should not get extra credit points for things that should be natural. I’m sorry that you have experienced men who have wronged you, but just because a man comes along and does what a man should do, that is just 1^st base. The basics are the things that should even afford him the opportunity for your time. Since when did I was thinking about you today become so special? I hope he was thinking about you if he is interested. “Aww, how sweet, he told me I was beautiful.” This is good and these things are necessary in any relationship, but that does not give a man extra credit. “Aww, how awesome, he asked me what My thoughts were.” I can’t believe I met a man who actually listens.” Again, this is training wheel courtship. If he cannot do the basics, then he is just not on your level. You know it’s sad when you have to dig for things to say about him. He has a good personality….He seems to be genuine….He listened to what I had to say…..Should we give him a Golden Globe Award for this? Not quite. I would hope you don’t want to be with someone with a bad personality or who is a liar. I would hope that you don’t want to be with a man who does not listen to anything you have to say. You want consistency. It’s easy to do things early on, but consistency is key. All of these things have its place. However, these are prerequisites not points.

He should respect you and your time. If he is used to playing, he had better clean it up real fast before he comes your way. IF A MAN WANTS TO PLAY ON THE PLAYGROUND WITH THE KITTIES, LEAVE HIM THERE BECAUSE HE IS NOT READY TO GRADUATE. If you don’t, then you have already lowered your standard. I know for some of you, it has been a rough journey and the basics seem so hard to come about these days. Guess what? That just means, you have not met the 1. It’s really as simple as that.

Single For 1 is a lifestyle. Stop getting mad every time it did not work out. Would you rather force it and be unhappy in the long run? I know you did the right thing and he had no reason to not be with you. However, every man is not your husband. You are waiting for the 1. Please take your rightful place back on the throne as a queen. Who asked you to step down in the 1^st place? It sure wasn’t God. Don’t worry if  some guy feels that he can go to the next and get whatever he wants. We also know that some women don’t want to sit on their throne. So, if that’s what he wants, let him go. Just because some have the ability to be queens and kings don’t mean they will walk in their royalty. Scripture even tells us that “many are called, but few are chosen.”  YOU ARE CHOSEN!! So, do me, yourself and all men a favor and take your rightful seat. All great people had to come through the birth canal of a woman. You have the ability to produce greatness, so why should you settle for anything less? Stop Making It So Easy!

That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke