Stop Making It So Easy!

January 18, 2011 at 2:55 pm

One of the biggest problems with some men in relationships is the very fact that some women have made it too easy for them in the past. So, when they encounter a woman with standards, they don’t know how to react. They may make you feel like something is wrong with you because they have been so used to being able to say and do anything they want and get away with it. So, now you are sitting around thinking that there may be something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. Now, I submit to you that there is something wrong if you do not have quality standards. If you cannot respect yourself, you cannot really expect for anyone else to. Stop making it so easy just because you are afraid that you will be alone. Stop making it so easy for a man to have your time. DON’T GIVE A MAN CREDIBILITY HE HAS NOT EARNED! Did you forget who you are?

I had a conversation with a friend recently that I was happy to hear. She said that she does not look at what a man says, but she looks for what he does or does not do. This is a valuable lesson. We learned this a long time ago, “actions speak louder than words.” Too many women have allowed men to come in and out of their lives as they choose. You have to take a stand for yourself.

Some women meet new men all the time. I have said time and time again that getting a man is never the problem. You can lower your standards any day to get any man. However, you do not want ANY man; you are waiting for THE MAN who is your husband. What happened to courtship? What happened to going to dinner more than once? Since when did 1st dates happen at your place? Why does he even have access to your place so soon? Why do all these men meet your children and you don’t even know if you really like the man yet? Why are you doing things for him as if he is your husband? If this is the case, what will be different in the marriage? DON’T GIVE A MAN HUSBAND BENEFITS WHEN HE IS ON A BOYFRIEND PLAN. You can do just enough to make him want to marry you if he is the 1, but don’t give him everything before then. Since when did men not have to put in a lot of time to get some of your time? You cannot get a paycheck if you did not work.  DON’T ALLOW A MAN TO CASH A CHECK IN YOUR LIFE IF HE DID NOT WORK ENOUGH HOURS TO RECEIVE IT.

Let me also say that he should not get extra credit points for things that should be natural. I’m sorry that you have experienced men who have wronged you, but just because a man comes along and does what a man should do, that is just 1st base. The basics are the things that should even afford him the opportunity for your time. Since when did I was thinking about you today become so special? I hope he was thinking about you if he is interested. “Aww, how sweet, he told me I was beautiful.” This is good and these things are necessary in any relationship, but that does not give a man extra credit. “Aww, how awesome, he asked me what My thoughts were.” I can’t believe I met a man who actually listens.” Again, this is training wheel courtship. If he cannot do the basics, then he is just not on your level. You know it’s sad when you have to dig for things to say about him. He has a good personality….He seems to be genuine….He listened to what I had to say…..Should we give him a Golden Globe Award for this? Not quite. I would hope you don’t want to be with someone with a bad personality or who is a liar. I would hope that you don’t want to be with a man who does not listen to anything you have to say. You want consistency. It’s easy to do things early on, but consistency is key. All of these things have its place. However, these are prerequisites not points.

He should respect you and your time. If he is used to playing, he had better clean it up real fast before he comes your way. IF A MAN WANTS TO PLAY ON THE PLAYGROUND WITH THE KITTIES, LEAVE HIM THERE BECAUSE HE IS NOT READY TO GRADUATE. If you don’t, then you have already lowered your standard. I know for some of you, it has been a rough journey and the basics seem so hard to come about these days. Guess what? That just means, you have not met the 1. It’s really as simple as that.

Single For 1 is a lifestyle. Stop getting mad every time it did not work out. Would you rather force it and be unhappy in the long run? I know you did the right thing and he had no reason to not be with you. However, every man is not your husband. You are waiting for the 1. Please take your rightful place back on the throne as a queen. Who asked you to step down in the 1st place? It sure wasn’t God. Don’t worry if  some guy feels that he can go to the next and get whatever he wants. We also know that some women don’t want to sit on their throne. So, if that’s what he wants, let him go. Just because some have the ability to be queens and kings don’t mean they will walk in their royalty. Scripture even tells us that “many are called, but few are chosen.”  YOU ARE CHOSEN!! So, do me, yourself and all men a favor and take your rightful seat. All great people had to come through the birth canal of a woman. You have the ability to produce greatness, so why should you settle for anything less? Stop Making It So Easy!

That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Testimonials

December 13, 2010 at 3:45 pm

There are many exciting events coming up in 2011 and projects that I am working on with you in mind. As we embark on a New Year, I would love to hear from you as to what Single For 1 has meant to you in 2010.

It’s About Time You Give Me Something

November 11, 2010 at 2:36 am

I have had the opportunity to sit and listen to many women pour out their hearts about how they feel about life in general. I have spoken with women from all walks of life with different backgrounds, but there is one common theme. They talk about how much they give and give only to not be given the same back in return. It becomes so bad until too many of you compromised when you didn’t know you compromised. You compromised by consciously or subconsciously telling yourself that if you can just get back a little in return, you can deal with the rest. IF YOU ARE GOING TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE, DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO GIVES YOU SO MUCH LOVE UNTIL YOU HAVE LEFTOVERS. Since when did less than the best become negotiable? Some of you say, “All I want is for a man to show that he cares and spend time with me.” “All I want is for a man to be there for me and won’t leave me.” Well, I have the solution for your temporary dilemma. Get in your car and drive down to the jailhouse. There you will find a man who will show you that he cares because you are the only woman he has seen in a while, and he will spend time because all he has is time. He won’t leave you because he cannot go anywhere. This sounds harsh and is in no way an attack or disrespect to men who are in the prison system. This was an illustration to show you that you have compromised and didn’t know it.

Wanting a man to do those things is very important, but you short change yourself when you are in such a position of discontent until you begin to talk about “all I want is,” as if that’s the only thing you want and you will be satisfied. There was a time when you wanted a lot more. However, you got used to dealing with the crumbs of relationships and did not have any leftovers. You gave all you had, leaving him plenty leftovers, but he gave you crumbs and you tried to scrape crumbs together to make a meal. A MAN SHOULD BE SO INTO YOU THAT HE IS WILLING TO BE WHAT YOU NEED HIM TO BE UNTIL HE BECOMES ALL YOU WANT HIM TO BE. When did your needs get pushed into the backseat?

I saw the movie “For Colored Girls” this past weekend and there was a scene when one of the characters said, “someone almost walked off with all of my stuff.” For the sake of theatre etiquette, I remained silent. However, I wanted to yell back and say, “he was not qualified to have access to your stuff.”  I say this time and time again. The man has to prove himself to you. Scripture says, “who can find a virtuous women? For her price is far above rubies.” The highest quality rubies are often valued higher than even diamonds. Notice the scripture says, she is far above rubies. In other words, it means that you are rare. You are upset because it seems like the right man never comes along. There will always be cheap and lazy jewel scavengers who will come along and are not willing to pay a price. You have allowed too many of them to gain access into your arena when they have not paid a price. DON’T ALLOW A MAN ONTO YOUR STAGE IF HE DOES NOT HAVE A PAID TICKET FOR ADMISSION! All that sneaking into the back door has to stop. Some parties are by invitation only, no room for party crashers! You are on center stage. If he comes through the door empty-handed and empty hearted, you send him right back through that door the way he came. Always remember that you are the gift, and you just have to remain a great gift. The man has to show you that he is worthy.

You give and you give. When will you get a return on your investment?  No one knows all of your most inner thoughts. No one knows the internal conversations you have when you rest your head on your pillow. You have envisioned being adorned in your beautiful white dress walking down the aisle. No one may know that sometimes you entertain thoughts that it will never happen. Perhaps you feel at times that love is for someone else or just too complex. Maybe you feel at times that you were destined to be single. Well, you must change your thinking. You will get just what you think. The average human has 70,000 thoughts in one day. That equals 490,000 thoughts in a week. What’s on your mind? Out of all those thoughts, how many of those are positive? It’s time you start giving back to yourself, and that starts by making sure the man gives you something first.

That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

 

2 Secrets You Should Already Know!

September 15, 2010 at 10:38 pm

Time and time again, session after session, conversation after conversation, I see a similar pattern with some single women. Too often, some single women will make the similar mistake of making assumptions. So, I will give you 2 secrets you should already know.

1.) If a man doesn’t say he is interested, don’t assume- Yes, I know he asked for your phone number or you have talked on the phone with him on more than one occasion. You may have already started thinking this guy might be special. You are thinking that perhaps this may be a catch. Is this the one? You have talked to him a few times or maybe even a month. You have already told your friends about him and how great he is. You are already beginning to think this is going somewhere. Feelings are being developed. BUT…. He never once said that he wanted a relationship. Perhaps he hasn’t even said that he really was starting to like you. However, you have made the assumption that just because you talk on the phone a lot that he wants a relationship. The same way you go through a process, a man goes through an internal process as well. He knows what he wants, but it does not mean that he has already determined that it is you. Men can have great conversations with you, but he is still getting to know you. At first, of course there is an initial interest in some way shape or form. However, over time, over many conversations, it is possible that he has realized that even though the conversations were good, he may have gotten bored along the way. Yes, a man can get bored just like you can get bored. It does not mean anything is wrong with you, it just means that you are not exactly what he is looking for. Better yet, you two are just not the two God made for each other. Think about it…could every man you have ever talked to be the one? No. That is why you are waiting for the 1. Many of you have purchased some new shoes or an outfit, and when you tried it on in the store, it was a great match. You were absolutely interested in it. However, as time goes on, sometimes even after you see it in a different light, you decide that you really don’t like it as much as you thought you did. The same applies here.  When a man and a woman meet each other, they must get to know each other. The problem comes in when you assume that he wants a relationship. If he does not say that he is interested, don’t assume. I can hear the conversations now…. “Yeah girl, we talk almost everyday.” “He makes me laugh.” “I really enjoy our conversations.”   “He has a good job.” “He is smart.” All of these things are good, and you should be able to see things.…..However, I ask you, WHAT DID HE SAY? There is no question that the more a male and a female talk, as they are getting to know each other, it is very possible for feelings to get involved. This is natural. However, a major mistake you can make is to assume that he is set on a relationship. It may turn into a friendship or you both just may eventually begin to slowly cut back on the conversations. However, do you get mad when it happens? “Oh he just wasted my time.” He should have said he didn’t want a relationship. Well, he may be in search of a relationship, but to get to that point, it usually takes time to know enough about the person. So, did he waste your time or did you waste your time by assuming? “I thought he liked me?” “What did I do wrong?” “Is something wrong with me?”….NO, NO AND NO. Now you are allowing one situation bring on a bunch of thoughts that are unwarranted. As far as you are concerned, IF HE NEVER SAID IT, IT DOESN’T EXIST. The problem also comes in when all of your friends or family are telling you he is interested. Everyone said it except him. IF THE WATER DIDN’T COME FROM HIS WELL, AS FAR AS YOU ARE CONCERNED THERE IS NONE IN IT!!

Also, please be cautions of those texting relationships where all you do is text, and he rarely ever calls. Yes, during work hours, it is expected, but when that’s all he really does and then tells you that he is not a phone person, be cautious. He may not be a phone person, but I assure you he would become a phone person if it was important. Think about it like this….. He is enough of a phone person to text you all day on that same phone that he can’t seem to pick up. So, does this mean texting conversations are better than live conversations? What troubles me is the amount of women who find this acceptable and then make excuses for why it is ok. If all you are doing is seeing the words and never hearing the words followed by actions to back up the words, there is sure to be a problem in the near future.

2.) IF A MAN WANTS YOU, HE WILL PURSUE YOU- This is as simple as it sounds. This goes back to making assumptions. This will save you a lot of time and heartache. Yes, I know some men will say it, but are they showing it? Also remember this very important rule: HE HAS TO PROVE HIMSELF TO YOU 1ST!! He who finds a wife….. You didn’t really wait for him to prove himself to you. He has to pursue you. Too many of you are afraid that you may run the man away or scare him off if you don’t do this or that. Early on, you are wondering what it will take to satisfy him so he stays around. You have it all twisted and backwards. He needs to be thinking what he must do to keep you happy and interested. This is one common reason why too many women get so upset and are torn apart in these situations. DON’T GIVE A MAN CLEARANCE IF HE HAS FAILED THE BACKGROUND CHECK. I’m on a roll today with these quotes that are coming to me. A man will go after what he wants period! Too often women will make excuses for the man early on. “Well, he is real busy.” He has barely proven himself to you and you are already making excuses for him as to why he is not able to spend the necessary time with you to get to know you. You are making excuses for him and he has proven absolutely nothing to you! YOU POURED OUT YOUR ALL IN WEEK 1, NOW HE IS GONE AND YOU ARE EMPTY!  I guarantee you that he will make time for what he wants. DON’T EMPTY YOUR GLASS IF HE HASN’T DONE MUCH TO POUR ANYTHING IN IT. Him being busy has nothing to do with you, nor is it your problem. A man will make time for his hobbies. He will make the necessary adjustments for what is important. Better yet, I guarantee he would make room on his ohhhh so busy calendar if the White House called and said the President was willing to meet with him. As far as you are concerned, in his world, you should be bigger than the president. EXPECT MORE AND YOU WILL BEGIN TO GET MORE!

That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

Duke

5 Things Not To Get Excited About When A Man Does This!

July 26, 2010 at 8:59 pm

Women tell me stories all the time of things a man does or does not do for them. I see Facebook and Twitter updates all the time. Too often, women get excited too quickly over very little signs. You haven’t survived the grace period yet, and you are already putting everything on blast. Everyone gets excited, and of course your friends get excited too. I am happy that they are happy, but after a short period, too often women go from talking relationship and thinking relationship to realizing there is no relationship. No question, you can’t always see it coming. Sometimes your desire to marry is so strong until it blinds you from seeing clearly. So, I will give you a list of 5 things you do not need to get excited about when a man does this:

1.)  He Sends You A Text Message After He Has Not Spoken To You In Months:

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, please hear me on this one. There is a very high probability that any man you have ever been in a relationship with or even talked to for a short while will text you out of the blue at some point. They can be randomly driving in their car and you cross their mind, so they text. This is VERY COMMON. Most of the time, you cross their mind because they remembered a good time you both had or their flesh is stirring up. So, after not speaking to them for weeks or months, he may say that he misses you. You tell him that you don’t believe it, but the more he texts, the more you may want to believe it, unless of course it is someone you totally want nothing to do with. So, depending on the state of mind you are in, you may entertain it and hope that something has changed. Let me bring it closer to home. Every female I have ever talked to cross my mind from time to time in the sense of me missing something about them. However, I recognize the difference, so I do not contact them when I know it is a brief feeling that will likely pass in 24-48 hours. A lot of men will not have this discipline because they may not recognize what they are doing. So, do not get ahead of yourself and get overly excited when he texts you, it was just a thought that they chose to act on. It may be someone else next week who cross his mind. If you entertain it for long, you will likely see old habits forming again. You know, those habits where it seems like he doesn’t answer his phone or return your texts as quickly as he did when he first contacted you again. Then you want to get mad. Don’t get your hopes up so quickly off a text message. He will have to show consistency for an extended period of time to overcome this rule and prove that he is serious.

2.) When a Man is Inconsistent But Tells You He Cares About You: Most men you talk to for a period of time will care about you, but it does not mean they care about you enough to change for the better. You ask for more time or attention, but he makes excuses. If a man says he does not talk on the phone much, but can text you all the time, that is another red flag. IF A MAN IS REALLY INTO YOU, THERE IS NOT MUCH HE WON’T DO. Texting is limited conversation and can be misinterpreted. I have heard many horror stories from women who have discovered that a man was texting another women with them in their face. That’s bold, but it’s an example to show you that one cannot truly interpret feelings and emotions through text. He may not talk on the phone much with others, but if he is into you, he will be inspired to do many things he normally does not do. We know that words are powerful, but actions are powerful as well. His words need to line up with his actions. You have to hold him accountable. If you constantly allow inconsistency, it will make it easier for him to remain inconsistent.

3.) When A Man All of a Sudden Wants You So Badly After Not Showing He Really Wanted You Before: This is also very common. If you and a man were talking or were in a relationship that was just not going anywhere and you decided to move on, and then he decides he just has to be with you. Most men do not want to see you with another man at all. So, due to emotion, he may get all upset and pour his precious heart out to you and beg you to take him back. Now, your life is all complicated because you met someone new and nice who is genuine and really showing they care. However, the man who wants you back is a man you have history with, so you are torn. WAS HE MOTIVATED BY HIS PASSION FOR YOU, OR WAS HE MOTIVATED BY THE IDEA OF YOU BEING WITH SOMEONE ELSE??? He was content until you decided to move on. He can be with someone else and still not like the fact that you are with someone else. Count the cost in this situation, because it can become very complicated when it does not have to be. When all the emotion calms down, what has really changed? Sure, a man can be scared straight, but be very careful as YOU MAY PROLONG A GOOD THING BY CLINGING TO AN OLD THING. You may have a favorite pair of shoes, jewelry or clothes. As the years go by, you will have a hard time letting it go. It does not take you losing it or not being able to wear it anymore to make you cherish it because you cherished it all along. Some of you have a favorite dress you are determined to wear again. So, if you are this way with clothes, it should be far more crucial with lives. IF HE DID NOT CHERISH YOU WHEN HE SAID YOU WERE WHAT HE MOST WANTED, DON’T GIVE HIM A FREE PASS TO CHERISH YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU BECAME MOST WANTED BY SOMEONE ELSE!!

4.) If a Man Asks For Your Advice: Yes, if he asks for your advice, he apparently respects your opinion. However, this does not mean wedding bells. He has spent time with you or getting to know you, and he feels comfortable to ask you deeper questions or confide in you. You are simply aiding him in making a single decision, but that decision does not always go hand in hand with him wanting a relationship with you.

5.) You Met the Family– Yes, meeting his family is typically VERY IMPORTANT to him, and not many may get that privilege. So, while it can potentially be a big deal, you should use caution. This does not automatically mean wedding bells or long-term commitment. In many cases, the opinion of his family matters to him. However, it will not keep you together. There are many women who are still in contact with family members of men they no longer associate themselves with. The entire family may like you, but he is still the one in the driver’s seat. I use this 5th point as a caution point to raise another point because it is sometimes your friends who may make it bigger than it is. “Girl, I’m ready for the wedding.” “You met his mom? Oh girl, he about to put a ring on it; he is serious.” If he has not talked about any of it, as far as you should be concerned, you know nothing about it. When a man is really into you, his words and actions are consistent. Too often, women spend too much time trying to figure out what the man is thinking or doing. His words and actions should answer your questions. If he leaves you with major questions, use caution. There is a significant difference between you being confident in the direction things are going to hoping that things go in a certain direction. There should be very little guess-work that you have to do.  That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

Duke

5 Sure Ways to Lose a Man!

July 1, 2010 at 12:41 pm

So often, you hear women talk about how they keep their man happy. However, different men require different things to keep them happy. In any relationship, each party involved must discover one another’s likes and dislikes. The dominant topic is typically about how to keep a man, how to get a man or how to keep a man happy. The topic that is often overshadowed in the background is how do you lose a man? Many women have been taught that there are certain things you need to do to keep a man happy, but what about the things you can do to run a man away? What good is it if you do 10 things to keep a man happy, but 20 to run him away. There will have to be some compromise in some cases, but you are playing with the odds of hoping that what you do to keep him happy outweighs what you do to run him away. The concept is similar to being taught how to get money, but the topic of how not to lose money is just as important. Many will attest to the fact that it seems like losing money is easier than gaining it. Your problem is not keeping a man happy. Women are gifted at that. However, you should know about a few things that can silently crush a man without you ever knowing. Many of you will say you already know these points from experience, but a reminder will help. Some too often know but do not apply.

1.)  Don’t Crush a Man’s Dreams– Even if it’s hard for you to see it at the current moment, there are still ways you can support him. Now, it is your responsibility to keep it real with him if no one else will, but no one’s dream is dumb. His way about going after the dream may need some fine tuning, but that’s why you are there for balance. We know there are good ideas and God ideas, but we all must discover that for ourselves. What you must realize is that you hold a very powerful key in his life. Your words have the ability to take a man high or bring him down low. Everyone else in the world can believe in his dream, but if you don’t, it’s just as powerful as if the entire world was against him. His desire is to please you, and he wants you to be proud of him. It’s funny in a way because men can have childlike qualities when dealing with women. Children desire parent’s approval. Men desire your approval. Most men have too much pride to let you know that you crushed their feelings. They will try to hold it in and act hard, but the more you crush it, the more negative things you say, the more likely he will become emotionally detached. He will try to act hard, but the more defensive he gets, the more you have crushed him. A man’s dream is like a newborn baby to him. Even if you have to be tough on him, there is a way to say it. YOU CAN TELL A MAN WITH YOUR LIPS THAT YOU SUPPORT HIM, BUT TERRORIZE HIM THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS. Women always say they want a man to be a man or for a man to step it up or MAN UP. You have the ability to make him MAN DOWN. Men can suffer emotional abuse just as women can, but men handle it differently. You don’t want to make him feel like you are his enemy b/c at some point he will focus more on proving you wrong rather than proving to himself that he is right for having a dream.

2.)  Don’t Make a Man Feel Like He is Inadequate– Your way is not always the right way. I know you are very intelligent and your intuition is out of this world, but a man wants to know he brings something to the table. No, he will not always do something EXACTLY like you would, but that’s ok. Why ask a man to do something if you are going to go right behind him and change it or do it another way anyway?  Too many women get upset because a man does not do something when you want him to do it. A lot of times, it’s all in your delivery. You can get a man to do almost anything if you deliver the message the right way. Most men are naturally competitive, so if your tone is condescending or confrontational, he will unconsciously try you. That is that childlike nature that comes out again in a man. No, he is not a child, but he wants to feel as though he is in control. Proverbs 25:24 says, “It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.” When a woman is upset, you have the ability to turn a house upside down. There is some truth to the saying that if mama is not happy, no one in the house is happy. Honestly, most men do not like to be told the same thing more than once. A man does not like to be micro managed. You make him feel like the little student that always needs help. Now if he messes up, there is a way to let him know and not make him feel inadequate. At least thank him for the attempt. If you are not careful, you will handicap him, and he will want you to do everything. You may think it’s cute at 1st, but then you will become frustrated and argue that you have to do everything. Then you may think, what’s the point of having a man if I’m doing everything myself.

3.)  Don’t Chase Behind a Man– Too many women are being aggressive and too many men are being reserved. This role reversal should not be so. A man does not like to be chased because it makes you look desperate and easy. It is hard for a man to truly respect you when you act in such a manner. It’s a man’s job to find his wife through the Lord’s guidance. I have seen women chase behind men who have blatantly done them wrong. By doing this, you are practically condoning and reinforcing their behavior. You are telling him through his actions that he can mess up without any real consequences for his actions. You must not forget your position. You are royalty. I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF A QUEEN BEGGING FOR CRUMBS.

4.)  Don’t Throw Another Man in Another Man’s Face- It does not matter if it is your father that you are comparing him to. A man does not like to be compared to another man even if it’s a good comparison. Their pride just will not allow it. Men like to feel that they are uniquely different in ways from any other man you have met. Women too often tend to confuse this with jealousy. Jealousy is completely different. When you are comparing a man to another man, you have practically had an emotional affair with the other man as far as he is concerned. This goes back to not making a man feel inadequate. I will not even go into the shameless plug that women can make to some men. Women may say, “well so and so’s husband or male friend did this for them…It sure would be nice if I got that.” Again it goes back to communication and delivery. If you feel a man is not compassionate or considerate enough, there are ways you can express that. However, if you use a comparison, you have now made him defensive and opened the door up for an argument. This will only make him bring up old stuff. In his mind, he will find something that he did that you did not acknowledge or thank him for. He may also proceed to compare you to someone else.

5.)  Don’t Constantly Remind a Man about His Flaws- Most men should be well aware of their shortcomings because you are likely not the 1st woman that have told them so. Yes, he needs to be told when he is out of order. IF ALL YOU CELEBRATE IS WHAT HE IS NOT, YOU MAY QUICKLY MAKE HIM FORGET WHAT HE IS. Some things are negotiable and some are non-negotiable. You will know what those are. If he has no desire to change and has not shown any commitment to change, then you have decisions to make. Don’t cheat yourself or him by pretending you are ok with something that you are not ok with. A FATAL FLAW IS TO LIVE IN A LIE AND PRETEND IT TO BE TRUE.  These are ways to lose a man. Even if he stays around physically, there is a strong chance you have lost him emotionally and mentally.

Thank God that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

Duke

Do You Even Want a Husband???

June 2, 2010 at 1:04 pm

How many of you got excited or became very curious just by seeing the word husband? I had about 5 conversations this week that has really made this burden on my heart greater. Every woman I spoke with, having a husband was at the top of their list. None of them sounded convinced or confident that it would come to pass. Some claim that it’s not that important to them or that they are not worried about it. However, their actions say something different. How many times have you talked to a man and you really, really hoped it worked out? You saw some red flags, but you really, really wanted it to work. How many times do you seek advice from someone when it comes to relationships, hoping they will say one thing to make you stay with the man a little longer, with hopes something will change? How many times have you compromised yourself and your standards to force something that wasn’t there? You must realize that YOU ARE THE STANDARD. It is totally natural to desire your spouse. First, you have to ask yourself a few questions.

1.)  Do you think there are still good men left, and do you think there is one left for you? There is a distinct difference between thinking and knowing. You are cursing yourself everytime you say negative things about your future. Does this sound familiar: All the good men are taken…..I’m not getting any younger…..I’m starting to think I may NEVER get married….Why are ALL men dogs….Maybe my standards are too high…I don’t even think God cares about this….There are more men in prison than are available so my chances are looking slimmer….I don’t even care anymore…I don’t even need a husband right now, I just need somebody to take care of me and spend some time with…..I hope or I wish…Girl, does your friend have a friend or brother he can hook me up with?

If you just want a hook up, then that is what you will get. Ladies, your words create your atmosphere. Take a second and think about how many positive things you say in reference to relationships and the negative things you say. You have just created your atmosphere and your expectations. You can’t think one thing and say another. That would make you double minded. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways (James 1:8). If you don’t think it will happen, then stop talking about it in general. However, I believe that it is your desire, and God does know the desires of your heart.

2.)  Are you living as if time is running out or that the best is yet to come? If you think time is running out, then you are setting yourself up to settle. You are saying you have gone as far as you are going to go. If you believe the best is yet to come, then you still have a bright future and new adventures to look forward to.

3.)  Who are you listening to? IF YOU ASK A BROKE PERSON ABOUT FINANCES, YOU WILL GET BROKE ADVICE. So, in other words, if you are seeking advice from someone in the same situation as you in relationships, how can they give you sound advice? Yes, you can learn from others experiences and mistakes, but you have to know what to take and what to take out. If you desire something and know someone who has successfully done it, they may be a good candidate for advice. However, you must also be careful because no situation is alike. It may have worked out one way for them, but the process may be different for you.

4.)  Are you still mad about what happened in the past? It’s as simple as this: YOUR PAST IS HISTORY AND IF YOU WASTE YOUR TIME GOING THROUGH OLD CHAPTERS, YOU MAY MISS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO WRITE A NEW BOOK.  Once you know your identity, you essentially become a new person and that old book is the old you. Too often, women go back to old relationships that come up from time to time because they have no one else around or because it looks like it could be new. A perplexing question to ponder on: Do people always change or do just circumstances change?

5.)  Do you truly desire a husband? If the answer is yes, then just keep living and improving yourself. The man has to find you, not you find him. No, you don’t need to try to put yourself in the right spot so he can see you. All you need to do is work on improving your favor. Scripture says that the man obtains favor from the Lord when he finds you. The better you are, the better the favor. A man should never be able to say you don’t bring anything to the table because you bring the favor of the Lord. God said that man should not be alone, and He provided a help meet (or a help suitable) for Adam. You are a gift from God to a man. Do you know you are a gift?

People always talk about getting married, and society puts so much pressure on others about it. A friend of mine said something a couple of weeks ago that I added a little to. YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN THE BUSINESS OF JUST GETTING MARRIED…YOU SHOULD BE IN THE BUSINESS OF STAYING MARRIED.

That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

Duke

Dream Again!!

May 10, 2010 at 12:08 pm

Do you remember when you were a kid and you would dream big dreams? It seemed like nothing could hinder you from achieving your goals. That was before things in your life began to happen that forced you to live in the reality of now. However, who took those dreams away? I submit to you that the dreams were not taken away, but you may have thrown them away because you thought it was too late. WHEN YOU SAY IT’S TOO LATE, YOU ARE TELLING HEAVEN IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. Nothing is impossible with God.

Many women have dreamed that God would send them a great man, but as they aged, they felt like time was running out. Some settled for the first sign of a little bit of good they saw in a man, with the hopes that they could change the rest. Sure, no one is perfect, but you know if someone is a good fit or not. You spent so much time talking about what did not happen in your life instead of focusing on the things that still can happen. Don’t lose your today with thoughts of yesterday. What happened to your big dreams about life in general? Most Americans hate their jobs that they go to on a daily basis. They complain and complain, but do not have the courage or strength to do something about it. They make excuses for why it’s too late to do something else. They live a life as if they have given up on truly having the life they deserve. IF YOU HAVE SETTLED IN EVERY OTHER AREA IN YOUR LIFE, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU WON’T BE TEMPTED TO SETTLE WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS IN YOUR LIFE! Who gave you permission to stop dreaming? I don’t know who gave you permission, but you need to give yourself permission to START dreaming again. Your success in life should not depend on having a man. You should be able to look back and be happy in what you accomplished on your own. There is a reason why the Bible says that He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains “favor” with the Lord. You add more favor onto the life of the man God sends you. However, if you have done nothing and have no ambition to accomplish anything, how can you add favor? If you do not have dreams and goals, why do you expect God to send you a man who does?

The choice is yours…Will you continue to go through life daily, giving up on the possibility of a bright future? Will you continue to make excuses for why you are where you are? Will you continue to throw pity parties? Will you continue waiting for what you think is the perfect situation before you make a move? If you are waiting for the perfect situation, life will continue to drive pass you. God is waiting for you. If you don’t dream, it cannot happen.

I end with this exercise that I want each of you to try. My pastor had the congregation do this a week or so ago. The assignment is to write a Dream List. Set some time apart when you get a chance and begin writing any dreams and goals you have and just keep writing until you run out of things. You do not have to give it much thought, just keep writing the list. Some of it may make you laugh, some may make you think. One of the dreams on my list was to become a Billionaire. For some reason, all my life, millions never seemed big to me. I never said, I want to be a Millionaire, I always felt billion. Another dream of mine is to be called upon globally to give spiritual, political and business/financial advice. One that made me laugh was I want to be sexy. For me that means putting more hours in the gym.  I also laughed when I said I want to be able to sing. If I get one intro on an album, even if I get the song started or just give a mini sermon on an album, I’ll be happy.  I hope you get the idea. You may write 20, 50 or 400 things. The goal is to get you in the habit of dreaming again. However, it is not a casual exercise. I looked at my list and I honestly believe I will achieve all of them. WHAT’S THE POINT OF DREAMING IF YOU THINK IT CAN’T HAPPEN? I  challenge you to not limit yourself. Don’t start writing and say -oh that can’t happen. Keep the list and don’t ever throw it away. Over time you may add to the list, but also glance at it periodically, and you will be surprised that some of those dreams have actually already come true. Happy Dream Writing. That’s all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

Duke

Kiss Comfort Goodbye!

April 14, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Are you comfortable with where you are? Comfort can be a good place, but staying in one immobile place for an extended period of time can cause you to become complacent and flat-out lazy. It leaves very little room for change.  Many times you want to get out of that comfort zone because you can feel something on the inside telling you that a change is needed. You make an attempt to bring about that change and it seems like something always gets in the way. When you look up, you see that you are still in that comfort zone. When you are in a comfort zone, it paralyzes you from moving forward. This comfort zone makes it is easy to settle in a relationship. It’s easy to stay in or get in a relationship based on comfort and familiarity.  It becomes easy to entertain knock-offs, knowing they don’t desire change. It becomes easy to entertain casual conversation, knowing it will only go so far.There are even those in relationships that are so comfortable, they don’t do anything to keep the relationship fun and interesting.

What happens when comfort moves out? What happens when you are completely tired of where you are? You know there is more in you, and you know that you have so much more you should be doing. I suggest that you just start from where you are. Yesterday is history, today is a new day. When comfort moves out, you become uncomfortable. Sometimes it takes you being uncomfortable for a while in order for you to chase after your destiny. Trouble isn’t concerned with those who are not going anywhere because trouble’s job is to prevent you from getting closer to your destiny. TROUBLE IS ATTRACTED TO THE OPPOSITE OF ITSELF. IF TROUBLE FINDS YOU, IT’S BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING SOMEWHERE.

Anything worth something comes with a price. Your desire for that mate comes with a price. It’s harder to appreciate something and admire its worth when it came with no cost. You have gone through and are going through what you are dealing with because something greater is in you. If you don’t believe it, no one else will. You may have felt pain, rejection, doubt, betrayal, insecurity, anger, etc. You may not see it or understand it all now, but soon enough, that change will come and your eyes will be opened. When your life is consumed and contingent upon God sending your mate, you are too comfortable. If you were busy pursuing destiny, your focus would be more on that continual task. Do you know who you are? YOU NEED TO FIND YOU, BEFORE HE CAN FIND YOU. You may not recognize him when he sees you because you are in a comfort zone. If you are in your comfort zone and the lights are turned off, God may not allow him to recognize you just yet. YOUR MATE IS ON A CERTAIN ROAD YOU MUST TRAVEL, BUT IF YOU KEEP STOPPING AND GETTING OFF THE ROAD, BOTH OF YOU MAY BE GOING AROUND IN CIRCLES. However, I know that you will get on the road towards destiny. I applaud you and stand with you as you walk into greatness. KISS COMFORT GOODBYE. That’s all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

Duke

It’s Time to Let Go and Live

March 25, 2010 at 2:54 pm

We all have things that we hold onto longer than we should. This also applies to relationships and past hurts. No one really wants to admit that they are holding onto the past. No one really wants to admit that their past may be impacting their present. You lived and you learned. You have a brain that stores memory, and that memory can either make you bitter or better. The best thing that you can do with pain from the past is to use it to help someone else. The ministry of experience is a very powerful ministry. Your experience is unique to you and you alone.

You are single and working on becoming an even better person than you are. You desire the man God has ordained for your life. However, do you know yourself? Do you truly love yourself? Do you know your purpose in life? These are serious questions that one must ask before becoming too engulfed in God sending a mate. IF YOU DON’T KNOW YOUR PURPOSE, YOU DON’T KNOW 85% OF WHO YOU ARE!! Your purpose is a major part of you. It is the major reason of why you are alive. One of my favorite quotes is, YOU WERE BORN AS AN ANSWER TO A PROBLEM. Yes, you were created on Earth to be an extension of God. It’s time to stop going through life not living or living for someone to authenticate you. You should be authenticated before your man finds you. If you loved yourself the way you should have, would you have allowed yourself to be placed in the same position time and time again? Would you have continued making excuses for a situation you knew was not good? Would you have lowered your standards just to get a date? Do you follow your own advice you give to others? Yes, we all have made mistakes, but did you learn from them? I don’t mind learning a lesson, but I don’t like repeat courses. 

What if….We all have what if’s. What if they did this? What if I did that? What if they acted half decent? What if they just did the small things? What if they do better? What if they get their life in order? You should not live your life in the what if. DON’T WASTE YOUR TODAY BEING CONSUMED WITH YESTERDAY. Healing can be a gradual process. Sometimes you do not really know that you have been healed from past hurts until you are faced with a new experience. No, you did not deserve what happened. However, it did happen and you have too much life to live to allow yesterday to hold you hostage. If a man does something that reminds you of the past, do you get defensive? If so, that means that your past still impacts your present. You should be cautious because you learned from the past, but do not allow it to control you. No one is exactly alike.

I know you have been hurt, cheated, used, taken for granted, etc. So, you failed in a few relationships and it was not all your fault. However, he was not the one, so how could it have been completely successful? Does that eliminate you from life? Does that eliminate you from God sending you the man? The answer is an emphatic NO!! You matter in more ways than you know. You just utilized your resources and invested your stocks in the wrong investment. With any good investment, you want a high ROI (Return on Investment). WHEN YOU ARE WITH THE MAN GOD SENDS, YOUR STOCKS WILL GO UP, NOT DOWN!! You are an expensive stock and only you have the power to make it go up or down. You don’t want to be the type of stock that anyone can afford. 

You’ve gone through enough, and you can handle a lot. So, you don’t want someone who thinks they can just get valet parking and V.I.P. treatment in your life without proving they are worthy. DON’T LIVE LIKE YOU’RE STANDING IN LINE WAITING FOR A MAN, LIVE LIKE A MAN HAS TO PROVE HE CAN STAND!

Be real with yourself. We all can continue to better ourselves in a number of ways. We only get one life on this side, so make the best of it. It’s Today, and some of you are still in last week, month, year. How many more days will you let go by? I submit to you that starting Today, you will live with a sense of purpose. If you don’t know your purpose, continue to pray and you will soon get an answer. People are depending on you, the man God sends is depending on you to know what your purpose is. When you two connect, the fulfillment of your purpose will go to new levels. YOUR PURPOSE IS NOT A DESTINATION, IT’S A LIFETIME COMMITMENT. The good thing is that it will be something that will bring you so much joy. Who said you had to wait for a man to do certain things? Don’t waste time beating yourselves up for what you did or did not do. Start from where you are. Some things we make too difficult. If you want to move forward, I have simple advice for you. Get up and Walk. I don’t know of anyone who has ever reached a destination without some form of movement. Ladies, it’s time to let go and live. That’s all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

Duke