So You Think You Have Standards

March 11, 2010 at 4:27 pm

I cannot think of anyone I have ever met that did not think they had good standards. Let us start by defining it. Dictionary.com defines standard as: those morals, ethics, habits, etc., established by authority, custom, or an individual as acceptable. The word that stands out to me is “acceptable.” Many women claim to have standards, but are they acceptable? Are they acceptable for what it is that you desire. You see, you can say you have a high standard with your words, but your actions may contradict it. It is clear that everyone has their own ideas of what is acceptable for them. The disheartening thing is that too many women constantly lower their standards for fear that the clock is running out. Not only that, but if I were to ask some of you, what are your standards…would you be able to quickly and convincingly say it? If not, set time apart soon to reflect and sit down and write them down. It’s just like having goals. If you don’t have written goals and timetables to hold you accountable, how do you know you are really making progress? If you are not positive on what these standards are, then how is it that you can get upset if a man violates those “standards?” Your idea of acceptable should line up with what God has for you. Do you know your worth? Look in the mirror and ask yourself who is looking back at you. You may very well see a physical specimen that has gone through trials, obstacles, heart break and disappointments. You will see someone who did not give up when it was the easiest and most convenient choice. You will see someone who refused to settle for less than what you deserved. You will see someone who was determined that it will hurt to walk away from this relationship, but I’D RATHER BE HURT AND FACE THE TRUTH THAN TO BE HURT AND CONTINUE TO LIVE IN A LIE! Confidence comes easy for some women, but what good is that confidence if you have no true standards? YOU CAN CLAIM TO BE CONFIDENT IN WHO YOU ARE YET STILL SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU ARE!!

Have you ever had a man try to talk to you and you kept avoiding him and not paying him any attention, but he was so persistent until you finally gave him a chance to at least take you out? Did you go because you were tired of him asking, or did he finally catch you when you were in a different state of mind? Either way, you still had to make a choice. You must constantly make choices. If a man comes into your life, it would be best that you make the standards clear early on. If standards are not clear in the beginning, it can be very difficult to try to set them later on. If your standards were low at the beginning, how can you expect the man to take you seriously when you get an epiphany and decide to want to raise the standard? Standards are not always words, it’s also very much so your actions and how you carry yourself and what you stand for.

For example, if you let a man sleep over in week 1 and by week 4, you decide that was not a good idea? Many men will be ok at first, but will keep trying you because you did not set that standard at the beginning. Why would they honor your words when you made it so easy? I had a conversation with a woman not so long ago and they told me that they met a new guy, but he was so “hungry” acting. That means he was hungry for sex. The woman told me that they are used to a man acting that way and they would think that a man was gay if he did not act in that manner. This was apparently what she was accustomed to. So, what that told me was that her standards were low, yet she believes in her mind they were high. Are you telling me that when you first go out with a man, you expect him to want to be all over you? So, if he sees you as a piece of poultry and you acknowledge and condone it, then why would you get mad if he doesn’t spend the time with you that you desire? A good man has self-control, and even if he was thinking certain things, he would not seem desperate. Thoughts may come, but it’s what you do with those thoughts that count. Some women think they want a “good man,” but their actions show they really just want “a man.” A man to hold them, talk to them, spend time with them. There is a distinct difference between “A man”, and “Good man.” There is also a difference between a “good man,” and the “good man for you.”

Most single mothers expected the baby daddy to be active in their child’s life, or better yet that he would have stayed with you and you would have been married. On the other hand, you may have never seen him as a potential husband, but you are now left with very real responsibilities. Yes, you can’t be held responsible for another individual’s actions. However, you are responsible for what you do after. This is not to make you feel bad or judge you, b/c all single mothers I know are doing a great job with their children. Statistically, it’s usually the dad that does not do so well with them. Yes, there are some men who do take care of their kids, this I know as well. However, be cautious that you are not constantly bringing new men around your child and the child becomes accustomed to seeing men come and go. Because your child’s father did not play his role, does not eliminate you from your husband finding you.

I have also come to realize that most women are not hard to please. Most of you don’t ask for much, but the simplest things that you desire, seems so hard for a man to do. So, when a new man comes along and does the simplest of things, sometimes you lose yourself and think oh this is all I ever wanted, so this must be the one. JUST BECAUSE A MAN DOES SOMETHING YOU ARE NOT USED TO DOES NOT MAKE HIM THE ONE FOR YOU. Could it be that God wanted to show you that the very thing that seemed like you would never get is very possible? Could it be that God is showing you that all men are not like the last man? It burdens me because I see and hear women all the time say, “well no one has ever done that for me before.” That’s a good thing, but they say it like it’s the greatest thing ever or that they were not deserving of it. For some women, things that you should automatically expect from a man turns into a thing that’s an added bonus if you can get it. This ought not be so.

You are great, so you should expect greatness. The most valuable and expensive wine cannot be found on any shelf, in any store. You won’t find it in the grocery store or in Wal-Mart. A wine connoisseur will know what it takes, and they are willing to find it no matter how far they have to go or how much they have to pay. You are like fine wine, the longer you have waited, the more your value goes up. Any man won’t be able to get to you, but “the man” has to find you. He will do whatever it takes because he recognizes your worth. The problem is you are putting yourself on all the wrong shelves. An alcoholic, drug dealer, liar, player, married man ….they all have access to you? If this is so, ask yourself, where am I hanging out? Those individuals are not ready to be husbands. Take yourself off those cheap shelves. If you go to a luxury home auction, you have to put up a check just to enter to have the opportunity to bid on the property. People travel from all over the country and world to attend knowing that only one individual will walk away with the house. The one for you will be willing to pay the price (not just monetary) and overcome any other competition or outlast any other men who are all trying to get access to spend time with you.

A GOOD MAN WANTS A WOMAN WITH HIGH STANDARDS; A BOY WANTS A WOMAN WITH LOW STANDARDS. Set standards ladies, if you let a man get away with it now, he will feel he can get away with it later. Don’t ever think your standards are too high, because the right man will find you. He will be delighted to see that you actually have standards. If your standards were set, you would not waste too much of your time on the knockoff man because you would identify him quickly. HIGH STANDARDS WILL EVENTUALLY ATTRACT HIGH QUALITY. If you notice you keep attracting the same type of men, ask yourself these questions: Am I giving off the wrong impression? Who do I hang with and where do I hang out? Yes, the knockoffs will slip through the cracks at times, but that should not be the majority of what you are seeing. REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE THE STANDARD.

The 5 Points of a Good Man!

March 4, 2010 at 2:13 pm

 “THE PERSON YOU MARRY IS A PRODUCT OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE. I heard this statement a year or so ago and I immediately added it to my list of favorite quotes. That is a powerful and true statement. Reflect on that quote Ladies, reflect on that quote.

These are what I call my 5 Points. This is what all women should see in a man. Granted, all men do not have all 5. If God sends him, he will possess the 5 or be pretty close to getting there. I say that because in all 5 points, there is always room for growth in all the areas.

1.)    Spiritually- The man should have some spiritual stock. This is the most important point, but yet it is a very low preference on many women’s lists. He should not just know about the Lord, but he should know the Lord personally. No, I’m not saying he is a preacher…but he needs to have a relationship with God. If a man does not know how to love God, how can he truly know how to love you? God is love (1 John 4:16). Side note: Just because he goes to church sometimes, does not mean he loves the Lord. It’s about relationship and you see it through his actions. Some of you go to work everyday, but does it mean you love your job?..Ok, enough said.

2.)    Emotionally-The man should be able to support you emotionally. Women tend to be more emotional, but it does not mean that men are not emotional. Statistics show that historically, women live longer than men. Why do women tend to live longer than men? Because many women tend to not hold in emotions as much as men. Emotions deal with feelings. He should be there for you emotionally even when he does not understand why you feel a certain way. You may react to something he does or says that reminds you of something from the past. He should demonstrate the patience needed to help you work through any emotion (anger, sadness, fear, joy, etc.). Oftentimes, if the man is not there emotionally, women feel disconnected or feel the man does not care. It may not seem like a big deal to him, but if it is to you, he must adjust, adapt and improve accordingly. Sometimes you just need to get it out of your system and you are ok after. Some women internalize everything, and a good man will see it and help you get it out.

3.)    Psychologically-Yes, he should stimulate you mentally. Have you ever gone on a date and was bored out of your mind with the conversation? There are not many things in a relationship worst than a relationship where nothing is going on up top. IT’S A STARTLING REALIZATION WHEN YOU FIND THAT YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE BUT YOU ARE STILL ALONE!  Communication is also a byproduct of this point. There has to be open two-way communication. He should cause you to think about things you may have never thought of or push you to see further than where you are. The reverse of this is when a man has your mind. DON’T ALLOW A MAN TO CONTROL YOUR MIND TO A PLACE WHERE YOU HAVE NO MIND OF YOUR OWN. Most women say that will never happen, but when other areas are lacking and you are seeking more from him, he can control your mind if he convinces you that you are the root of the problem and he flees any responsibility in the matter. It also happens when you feel you keep attracting the same type of men or that none of them worked out. So you think what’s wrong with me? Let me diagnose it for you. What’s wrong with you is you were too far gone to realize he wasn’t the one.  INSTEAD OF FACING REALITY, YOU DECIDED THAT YOU COULD CHANGE HIM (You know because of all his potential.) My pastor said it best some time ago, “ONE OF THE RICHEST PLACES IN THE WORLD IS THE CEMETARY BECAUSE SO MANY DIED WITH THEIR POTENTIAL.” The scary thing is when a man has your mind and you don’t realize it until months or years later when you get a grip on reality. This also can happen when you are living in a false reality.

4.)    FINANCIALLY-This point and the 5th point are the two that too many women focus on and simply settle for the last 2, neglecting the first 3 key points. Many marriages ended in part by financial struggles no doubt. However, many wealthy individuals divorce a lot too. The old saying goes; money can’t buy you love or happiness. Some of you say, but it’s a start..LOL.. Yes, a man should be able to support you financially. Most men get no better satisfaction when he knows he is able to support his family. Even if things get tough, the man should be innovative, of course not doing anything illegal. A good man will also not put you or his family in jeopardy. Sure, the world is in a recession and many are out of jobs, but a good man will also realize that where he is currently is not where he will end up. If he has done his job in the other 4 areas, you will stand by him and believe that things will work out. Too many women focus on wanting a man so they don’t have to worry about finances. I heard a multi-millionaire say that he has financial problems just like someone who is pay check to pay check. His problems are just on another scale. Many of them have and are dealing with foreclosures, bankruptcy, etc. It’s what you do during and after the storm that matters. The love of money is the root of all evil (1 Timothy 6:10). It didn’t say money is evil, but the love of it is.

I tell people all the time that the reason they make a big deal about money is that truthfully money scares them. I see women fall for the hype with some guys who talking about they chasing that money and they listen to them talk about it like it’s a god. Some look at the car they drive. Broke men can also have nice cars and homes for image sake. A GOOD MAN SHOULD PREFER TO LIVE BELOW HIS MEANS THAN ABOVE HIS MEANS. Living above it is truly a BROKE mentality. Usually, it is all talk. If a man is in God and wants more resources such as money and he takes action toward his goals and remains obedient….HE WON’T CHASE MONEY, MONEY WILL CHASE HIM. HE WON’T WORK FOR MONEY, MONEY WILL WORK FOR HIM!! Simple statement, but there is so much behind it. They need a wealthy attitude first, and that precedes money. Money IS A TOOL, NOT A GOAL. The quicker you see that the better.

5.)    Physically- Woooooow! Is this the last point? Yes, a man should support you physically. Yes, looks play a factor and it has to start with some form of attraction. You can be initially attracted to how the man speaks, carries himself, dresses, etc. You should feel secure with him. If a man likes to fight does not make him a man, it makes him a barbarian. If Jesus can turn the other cheek, so can we. Civil Rights leaders led peaceably and so can we. A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children… (Proverbs 13:22). That’s not just talking about money; a man should leave something for his children and their children to look up to. Let’s start with Integrity.

I have found for many women, if the other 4 points are met, physical attraction comes. I know this is a challenge area for some. It’s the same as when someone looks good to you, but their attitude makes them look bad. Ladies, have you ever seen someone in a relationship and think to yourself, now how did she get him? We won’t even touch on the misguided idea some have that you need to test drive the “car” before you buy it. You can focus on sex all you want in marriage, but when the dust settles and you grow older, that won’t be to the top of your list. If the other points are not met, then the sex won’t mean anything and you won’t even want to participate anymore.

Financial and Physical is what too many of you settle for. I assure you, if the other areas are not met, the relationship will not be fruitful. I also understand that some have to experience dating different people over time. Most of us have not gotten it right on the first, 2nd or 5th tries. The key is that now you are maturing in that area. I hear women say all the time that they have a good man based off of one thing. A good man will possess all 5. That’s all for now. Stay Blessed.

Your  Singles Advisor,

Duke

It’s Because You Have a Bad Attitude…Or Is It?

February 24, 2010 at 4:19 pm

I hear single women say this all the time….Men say they can’t handle your attitude. Is this really the issue? First, we will diagnose what this so-called attitude is and why this is often an excuse. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some people who have legitimate attitudes and get mad at the smallest of things. However, we all have things that can press our buttons in some way or another. This is not always a bad thing. Jesus even got a little attitude when folk were in the temple doing everything except praying. So, he came in the temple and started turning tables over and clearing everyone out (Mark 11:15-17). There were times in the Old Testament when God would become very displeased and was angry with the people for their disobedience and constantly being hard headed and stiffnecked (Exodus 32:9-10). Both of these examples were types of attitudes that were formed due to others not doing what they were supposed to do. However, after these examples, lessons were taught and learned in the midst of it. Many of you have gotten negative attitudes because the man did not do what they were supposed to do. One of the worst things a man can do to a woman is to make a promise he does not keep. That’s an easy recipe for a negative attitude and for trust to be put on trial. A woman does not like to have to remind a man to do something over and over again. A woman should not have to fight for time, because when he is the one, he will make time.

Dictionary.com defines Attitude as: A position of the body or manner of carrying oneself; A state of mind or a feeling; disposition; An arrogant or hostile state of mind or disposition. The latter part of the definition is negative. Now, you don’t want to be hostile or arrogant with your attitude. The problem is that too many women are answering to the name some men have given you. So, you embrace that you have a bad attitude and carry on with the mindset of so what deal with it, they can take it or leave it. If you look at the other parts of the definition, then you will see that we all have a way in which we carry ourselves, a state of mind and a feeling. Therefore, we all have an attitude in some way shape or form.

Someone posed the question, how do you break a life time of bad habits and begin to trust again and deal with all the hurt? The so-called “negative” attitude is deeper than what meets the eye. Some of it is because you are tired of men playing games and playing with your emotions. Some of it could be because of men who have hurt you in the past, so you still need to heal. Some of it could be that you just have a strong personality that can be misconceived as an attitude if you are not with the right person. Some of it could be due to things you dealt with as a child and life in general. Some of it may be a form of protection so no one thinks you are a pushover. All of these issues require healing. This healing is a day-to-day journey, but you must 1st recognize you need healing and then trust God to heal you. If you put more of your trust in the man, where is the room for God? Last I checked, God is the one that sends the man. For some of you, you were not always on edge, but when your love was taken advantage of; you got tougher skin and now feel the need to be on the defensive.

There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself, because the man God sends will have a key to your heart to break beyond the surface. There was an old song that said, “One man can make one woman hate all men.” However, it also only takes 1 man sent by God to make all of the other mess not matter anymore. It took 1 man Adam to mess things up for humankind, but it took 1 man Jesus to put us back in right relationship with God. Yes, some of you know when your attitude has gone too far and know that you are a work in progress.

When a man says you have an attitude and he doesn’t want to deal with you. Guess what? IF A MAN CAN’T WAIT WITH YOU, HE CAN’T MATE WITH YOU!  He is not the one for you, because the one for you will see beyond it all and will be with you through the healing process. We all had to be healed or delivered from something. Also, like we said before, an attitude is not a bad thing. The healing needed  is from the past hurts that impact what you are dealing with now. I know people who didn’t understand why I didn’t walk away after their anger and attitude caused them to curse me out, etc just because something I said or did that reminded them of something else. I have dealt with women who felt that there just had to be something that I wanted because no one does nice things without looking for something in return. I could see beyond who they were at the moment and could see much more in them, but because God sent me and connected us for a purpose, I was able to endure. I have seen some of them completely change and healed. Some of them are doing great things. This was situations with just friends. So, that concept that your attitude is a turn off is an EXCUSE. There are components of your misconceived attitude that may compliment the man God will send, but it certainly will not work with the wrong man. You know the parts of your attitude that needs work from the parts that help make you who you are.

For example, historically I have been extra nice that caused me to burn out.  It was good to have been with people with a specific type of attitude who could step in and say you need to know how to say no. They had the ability to put a fear of God in me like no other. Some people could not handle their type of attitude. Though they came across tough at times, it was the type of toughness and attitude that I needed and it complimented my personality. While everyone was praising me, they had the ability to keep me balanced. One woman reminded me to not allow it to get to me and to stay focused. This type of women had the ability to tell me what everyone around me would not say. They saw what everyone around me could not see. I call this type of women with this type of attitude, women with some bulldog in them. This type of women are very classy and can adapt to any environment, but they also have the ability to put someone in their place or tell someone about themselves in such a way, the other party don’t realize they just got told off.  You can’t push them around, and they can be very nice, but can lay down the law when need be. This type of person has the ability to give a strong opinion, but those who can’t handle them perceive their opinion as a fact and can easily become offended or intimidated by them because they are so comfortable within themselves. So, I felt they were wrong because no one else saw what they saw or said what they said to me. So, I was not in a place to fully embrace it at the time. It would likely turn into an argument and then when I thought about it, most times they were right and I would have to apologize. They truly cared.

One particular woman who comes to mind said something to me years ago that I will never forget. She said, “PEOPLE LOVED YOU BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT YOU WERE PERFECT, I LOVED YOU BECAUSE I KNEW YOU WERE NOT.”

Yes, there will be compromise when two are trying to become one. However, the mistake you made and may have made continually was to compromise with the wrong one. That is another recipe for a bad attitude. I’m not saying it will be an easy process, but you have to make the decision to move forward. You should be happy when you find out early what the guy is all about so your time is not wasted. When you hang around, it is apparently because you currently are in a position where you enjoy your time to be wasted. At some point, there comes a time when you finally say enough is enough. Look at it this way; you have gone through enough to see a knockoff when it comes. What you have dealt with, you can help others in the future to try to avoid some of the mistakes you made. Embrace your attitude because in this Singles process, only the strong survive. That’s all for now. Stay Blessed.

Your  Singles Advisor,

Duke

Single For 1 Purpose!

February 11, 2010 at 5:56 pm

Single For 1 means that you are single for that 1 person God has ordained for your life.  The worldview may sometimes portray being single as a bad thing or an opportunity for a big party to do whatever you want when you want without any consequences. However, if you are not responsible as a single, you will not automatically become responsible when you are married. If you are selfish when you are single, you will not naturally become selfless when married.  Being Single is a transitional stage into being married, so continue to prepare while you are in transition.

 Everyone has to be  or was single at some point in their life. So, when someone asks why are you single, you can say, “I’m Single For 1 or Single For the 1”. When you understand this, you will realize that it is not necessary for you as a woman to feel the need to have to date so many men to finally get to Mr. Right. Granted, there is nothing inherently wrong with dating, but sometimes women date because it is something to do rather than to date with a purpose. There is joy in knowing that the “1” has to find you as a single woman. However, when he finds you, you must also be able to confirm within yourself that he is the “1”.

Five men can ask you to marry them, but only 1 of them is the “1.” So, it takes that gift on the inside of you to be able to identify and know the difference between a copy and the Original. You may get some copies that seem close to the Original, and too many women settle for just the copy. However, when you meet the original, you will be able to quickly tell that the others were just copies.

Single For 1 is a weekly blog intended to address numerous topics in reference to relationships for single women. This blog is intended to encourage you on your journey. Duke will not only encourage you, but your fellow sisters will as well. This blog is from a male perspective with female feedback. This will be a community where you can share your experiences, concerns, comments and suggestions as a single woman. One of the greatest ministries is the ministry of experience, so feel free to share them with everyone here. Many more weekly posts to come. That’s all for now. Stay Blessed.

Your Singles Advisor,

Duke