Should I Let Him Go?

Dear Duke,

I met this guy January this year. We started dating and things were ok as he was spending more time with me. Problems started in May when he said I don’t spend enough time with him. I told him I don’t want to rush things. I introduced him in July.

At home things were ok until he told me that he will stay back and see if I care about him. I started to text him every day, which is something I didn’t do often and called him twice a week. I felt as if my efforts were not noticed, so I stopped calling and sending the texts. I haven’t seen him in over two months now and a week ago I sent a text asking him when will I see him.

I wanted clarity if we were still dating or what. He said he will let me know. I’m still waiting. Do you think I should let him go? I’m so stressed as I love him, and he is the first boyfriend I introduced ever in my life. I’m so disappointed. Please help!

The Duke’s Response: Ok, so you met a guy in January and you both started dating. 4 months later, he let you know that he didn’t feel like you were spending enough time with him. So, that was clearly something he wanted to see changed. It sounds like you were taking your time, as you should. You should pace yourself in a relationship, and you both were still learning more about each other.

However, spending time has nothing to do with rushing anything. You do have to spend time to get to know someone better. So, you introduced him to family or friends I suppose in July. Later, he told you that he will take a step back to see if you care about him. I’m not sure what prompted him to do that unless he was still not happy with the amount of time you both spent together.

You were clearly trying to show him that you were making moves in the right direction by introducing him to those close to you. I don’t have enough details to know if he was trying to rush things or if he was just upset because he wanted to spend more time with you. Either way, it is clear that you both were not on the same page. However, it sounds like after he pulled away, you tried to show him that you still cared and wanted to try to continue to move forward.

So, you texted him everyday and called him multiple times a week. However, it seemed like by this time he wasn’t as interested. So, you stopped calling and texting when he wasn’t responding in a way you wanted. Now it has been 2 months and you both haven’t seen each other. The fact that you had to ask him if you both were still dating is a problem. His response made it even worse. He said he will let you know.

If you have to ask someone if you’re still dating, then you’re not dating. If there is a question if you’re in a relationship or not, then you’re not. That should never have to be a question you have to ponder. It either is or it isn’t.

It sounds like from the beginning, you both just weren’t on the same wavelength. He wanted things a certain way and you wanted them a certain way. In relationships, there is some adjusting because it’s no longer just 1 person, but now it’s two people working towards the possibility of becoming 1 in the future. Yes, you did something you had never done before, as he was the first guy you were with that you introduced to loved ones.

It sounds like he didn’t understand how big of a deal it was for you to introduce him to your loved ones. It seems as though he wanted all that to happen much earlier. You shouldn’t beat yourself up about it because you must go at the pace that is comfortable for you, and it required him to have patience. Just as certain things required you to have patience. It seems like he had some patience, but he was internally frustrated because he wanted more time.

That’s not your problem or his problem. It’s just a matter of two people not being compatible. Your pace was not his pace and his pace was not your pace. It seems like you both adjusted to try to accommodate the other, but it just wasn’t a good fit. If you haven’t seen him in 2 months, it’s clear he hasn’t made any efforts to see you either.

At this point, it seems as though you’re holding onto something that has simply expired. You’re waiting for him to let you know if you’re both still in a relationship? Let me help you. You’re not in a relationship. I understand that emotions were involved and 6 months of your time was invested. However, it was still only 6 months. Even if it was 6 years, you should never have to wonder if you’re in a relationship or not.

I know he was the first guy you introduced, but that doesn’t make him the 1 for you. I understand how difficult it is because you said you love him. However, hanging around for 2 months with no progress being made is just a waste of your time. Something happened along the way that just didn’t work for you both.

It sounds like the issue was about spending more time together, but it seems like there is more to it. If that was the issue, it was an easy fix and that would have been spending more time together. So, as I stated, it has to be more than that. Nonetheless, what you don’t need to do is sit around and wait to see if he comes around.

Now it looks like you’re chasing behind him. You can’t force a relationship to work. You just need to begin the healing process. It’s also clear that the communication was not sufficient in the relationship.

It sounds like he had silent frustrations and perhaps you both weren’t clear on expectations in the relationship. Also, if spending time was an issue, you may not have been as into him as you thought because you would have wanted to spend more time. It’s possible that if things progressed, you would have then had a desire to spend much more time with him.

In relationships, the expectations should be clear. The goals should be clear. It does take time to know how the other person operates and what makes them tick. However, sometimes it’s just not the right fit. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with either of you, but sometimes it is just not the right fit.

The fact that you asked him if you were in a relationship and he said he would let you know, that lets me know that he knows he has an advantage. It’s as though he was upset, and you were doing everything you could to try to change things. It sounds like he felt neglected, so you started calling and texting more since it bothered him that you didn’t. At the end of the day, this just doesn’t sound like a good match. You both may have been better friends than actually in a relationship.

Take it day by day, but you should stop trying to reach out to him. He wasn’t responding much when you did, and he is still not responding favorably. It’s been 2 months. It doesn’t take that long to determine if 2 people will still continue to move forward in a relationship and try to work on things or not. The healing process can’t begin until you cease communication.

Just know that the right 1 will speak your language and you will speak his. You both will be able to communicate properly and lay out your expectations. You both will want to spend more time together. However, you can’t get to the right 1 if you’re still leaving the door open for someone else. Your heart will heal and the right 1 will find you.

As always, remember that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Relationship Advisor,

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