Lose My Number Because I Changed My Number!

February 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

 

don't call

For some of you a lot has changed, but at the same time, some things have remained the same. Some of you have changed jobs, changed location, changed your environment, changed diets, changed your hair, etc. There have been many changes, but for too many what has not changed is your approach to dating and relationships.

Question of the Week: How Do I Deal With These Transitions?

December 15, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Q: As a single woman, I wanted to know what are the benefits of getting married? What are some good qualities as a woman I should possess and what are good qualities I should look for in a husband?

A: Ok, so we have 2 sets of interesting questions this week. Both of them deal directly or indirectly with transitions. I will begin by answering the 1st one.  Sometimes it’s all about asking the right questions. The 1st question to ask is not what are the benefits of getting married, but do you even desire to marry? So, I guess I answered a question with a question. If you now have a desire to marry, that is where you start from. Of course the Godly structure of marriage has more to do with a larger assignment than it does with any of the individuals. God is all about covenant that He ordains. When you marry, the man and the woman make a covenant with God. This is why individuals must understand that when they violate the covenant of a God ordained marriage, they don’t just violate the individual and themselves, but they are now violating God. So, the 1st benefit is covenant together with God to carry out a greater assignment that He has for you to do together.

I put emphasis on a God ordained marriage. Another benefit of a God ordained marriage is that you are in covenant with someone who makes you better. They should be able to pull more things out of you and help you see what you could not see when you were single. As far as each individual goes, another benefit is that you compliment and balance each other. You add on to each other.

Scripture tells us that the two shall become one flesh. So, I’ll paint a picture for you. A friend of mine had a dream. In this dream she was fighting a demon. She fought and prayed and weakened the demon. She prayed until she passed out. Her male friend was close by, but when she got up, they were literally connected to each other and turned into this gigantic spiritual superhuman. When this happened, they annihilated the demon. So, there is a lot that you can accomplish alone, but when God joins you with someone, there is so much more that you can do. There are so many obvious benefits: companionship, help, intimacy, creating a legacy, etc.

In reference to good qualities that you should look for in a husband, refer back to my post from around March 2010, entitled “The 5 Points of A Good Man.” Really, a woman should be able to meet those 5 points as well; it may just look differently in some instances.  As a woman, you should also continue to better yourself.

Q: Should you date someone when they are in transition? For example, they tell you that God is dealing with them on some things and they have to fast or make some life changes or that God is calling them into ministry. How do you support them or do you just leave them alone?

A: We all go through transitions in life. Think about any transition that you have gone through. It’s called a transition for a reason. Let’s break it down by looking at the definition. According to dictionary.com, transition is the passage from one position, condition, etc. to another. So, it’s very possible that he could be in one place before the transition, another place during the transition and in a completely different place after the transition. That’s a lot of potential for change all in itself. It is definitely a process. Now, God does use others at points to give counsel and support during their transition. However, the key is in knowing if you are a part of the help in the process or if you can potentially be a part of the problem. You don’t want to get in the way of the transition. God may not even want him or you to be “dating” right now. We never want to hear that, but that’s why it’s key that you truthfully seek God’s direction in all things. Sometimes, support is what is needed. Truthfully, if he is in a transition, relationship should not be to the top of his list at the moment, especially with such a transition as you have stated.

Not only did you mention transition, but you also stated that he is making some life changes. So that means that his life is literally changing. I would also pose this question. What is he asking you to do? What does he want? He may say he knows what he wants right now, but I am here to tell you from experience and wisdom that transition/life changes can change everything. I’m sure many others reading this post can attest to that. When you get through a transition, you may look back at where you were and how you thought and can clearly see that you are now a different person and in a different place and state of mind from where you were prior to the transition.

If God is calling him to ministry, the best thing you can do is pray for him because that entails a completely different level of responsibility and accountability than he currently has now.  You must also pray to see what your role if any in the process. So, if you both are already friends, just be a good friend and let the transition take place. Just don’t complicate it because it could make things much tougher for all involved, especially when you know as a fact God is at work. If it is meant to be, you both will know. However, you asked the question, and I have a hunch that you already know the answer.

As always, please remember that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

When Love Doesn’t Love You Back: 3 Myths About Love!

November 30, 2011 at 3:51 pm

I cannot begin to count how many conversations I have had with individuals who are in love with someone, but they are not receiving the same love back. Rejection is never a good feeling. Love is a powerful word that has the ability to overcome anything. There are many songs that have been written with different perspectives on love. The Spinners had a song that said “Love Don’t Love Nobody.” Eve had a song entitled, “Love is Blind.” Some of the lyrics said, “Love is blind, and it will take over your mind. What you think is love is truly not. You need to elevate and find.” Beyonce had a song entitled, “Crazy in Love.” Luther Vandross had a song called, “The Power of Love.” We could go on for weeks about these songs about love. Each artist tried to paint a picture of what they saw as love. Well, we know that love is powerful and when you truly love someone, it can sometimes cause you to act off of emotion and ignore facts that are right in front of you. We know it is powerful because scripture tells us in 1 Corinthians 13 that out of faith, hope and love, the greatest of these is love. Scripture also tells us that God is love.

So, if we know all this about love, it’s a hurtful feeling when “love doesn’t love you back.” Sure that’s a saying because of course love is an action and it requires effort. Love needs a person to activate it. I’m sure many of you have been in love at least once. That heartbreak of no longer being with that person you were in love with seems like the end of the world. You may have fought hard to restore the relationship, but it was over. Some of you may be in a situation right now where you truly love someone, but they are not returning the favor. You wrestle between when it’s just time to walk away. It seems like everywhere you go and everything you do, something reminds you about that person and then you get that weird feeling in your stomach. Some of you had to pray, Lord please just take this pain away. I don’t know how much more I can take.

I have stated on more than one occasion that every woman I have been in a relationship with were great women, and we all are still friends to this day. The Duke knows how this feels, as I have had the distinct privilege of being in love twice in my brief time on this earth. The Duke didn’t always have the answers. The problem I ran into was I fell in love with these women when the relationship had already run its course. I wrestled and wrestled because I wasn’t sure if they were the 1. It was a lot of back and forth and the bottom line is that when a woman makes up her mind, there’s not much more you can do after that. Can you believe it? I spent 4 years waiting on 1 woman because I was so in love and knew she was the one. However, she was emotionally drained before my 4 year wait even began. By that time, she felt that she wasn’t good enough. Of course, those were never my intentions. However, in those 4 years she was also inconsistent as she flirted with the idea of us getting back together, but was afraid, etc. She called me out of the blue on numerous occasions talking a different talk, and of course it gave me hope.  Those 4 years seemed like 20. I’m telling you, I would not wish that feeling I had on my worst enemy. I’ll say it again, I would not wish that feeling I had on my worst enemy. Can you believe the Duke even shed a tear or two? I sure did. I admit it. That was rough. Ya’ll know what I’m talking about if you have ever been in love. That was my 1st love too. So, that’s even worse. So, I finally realized that it was not going to happen, and after time I didn’t want it anymore.

The second time I was in love was with a woman I was on and off with for 7 years. Yes, I said 7 years. We both were very stubborn and set in our ways. We had a unique relationship. She felt she could say whatever she wanted to say and wanted me to do the same. So, eventually we said whatever came to mind without any concern. However, the words we said to each other inflicted damage on the both of us. We didn’t know it until later. I was crazy enough to actually think I could say whatever came to my mind. When she wanted to be together I didn’t want it. When I wanted it, she didn’t want it. When I finally saw the big picture, I had to take rejection for a year and a half. Why? Because by this time she was afraid that we would go through the same cycle again. I knew we both had matured in the relationship, but it’s tough when you see it and the other person does not. No one wants to feel pain or enter into something with the potential of feeling the same way again. It definitely takes healing on both ends.  You can’t force it. It is what it is. Everyone has a choice.

I know some of you have that one person that you just can’t seem to shake many years later. It’s sad that some of you are in relationship with someone else, but the spirit of that true love you had still haunts you. You know it if you have a conversation with them or see them, then all of a sudden, all these unexpected emotions and feelings come over you. Sure, it could be a soul tie, you may not be healed, or it could just be that was 1 person where you exerted every ounce of your energy into. That type of withdrawal can have a long term impact if not fully healed.

So, I will leave you with 3 Myths about love that will help you on your journey towards the 1.

Myth #1: The Moment You See Them, You Will Know They Are The One

Baloney! We must be careful not to become overly spiritual and miss the principle. Yes, it does happen and has happened for some. I mean, Adam knew Eve was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh when he saw Eve. However, Adam walked with God daily and he was not tainted with any other relationship. He never saw a woman up until that point nor had any other type of relationship with any other person. We all would have had that same reaction. Of course we too must walk with God, but it does not mean that you won’t enter a relationship with others before you meet the 1. Does it happen? Yes. There are exceptions to rules. However, have you ever been in a relationship or courted someone who you thought was the one but was not? Ok, I rest my case.

There are some who get married who didn’t even like the other person when they first met them, but eventually their eyes were opened and they realized that was the one. It’s still about relationship. You must get to know a person regardless to confirm if they are the 1 or not. What if they are the 1? That doesn’t mean there will still not be a process. Relationships still require work. Just because they are the 1 won’t mean the relationship will be all roses. Again I say, it will require work. The 1 may appear fully wrapped when you meet them, but at some point all of the layers must be pulled back. So, you will see the good, bad and ugly. Loving them through all of that takes work because love is still a choice.

Myth #2:  You Can’t Love More Than One Person at a Time

This is very possible. Now, it does not mean that both of them are the 1 because they are not. Love is definitely a choice. You can fall in love with someone who God did not ordain for you to be with. Love is a choice. What happens sometimes is an individual sees characteristics in more than 1 person that they want to see in only 1 person. So, if they have not found that, they may really love one person for what they bring and love another person for what they bring. So, now you are confused because you don’t know what you really want. No, you may know what you want, but you are trying to put bits and pieces of different people together in an attempt to create 1 person rather than waiting for the right person. What you must recognize is that you have a void and you are trying to fulfill it in more than one person.

For example, you have an ex that you really loved, but it did not work out. You move on and meet a great person and you love them. You are not in love, but you love them. However, your ex comes back and seems to change. They really want to make things work. You really still have love for them. You may not be in love, but you still have enough love for them to where you are torn between what you want and what you need. What you must realize is that when we fully commit this area to God, His will shall become our wants and needs.

This is more common than you may think. Humans have the capacity to love in ways you cannot imagine. Think about how many things you did in the name of love or what you thought was love. So, yes you can love more than one person. The problem is you cannot be with more than 1 person. So, you need to seek God as to if you are supposed to be with either. The problem is God may give you an answer that you don’t want to hear. When we do that, we make life very complex and we bring on unnecessary hurt and pain to all parties involved.

Myth #3: As Long As You Love Them That Is All That Matters

The devil is a liar. Are you kidding me? Love is a 2 way street and not everyone is worthy of your love. If you have had heartbreak, you know this is not true. You cannot make anyone love you back. This has been used too much to keep people in very unhealthy relationships. God also gives us wisdom and He does not desire to see His children hurt. He does want reconciliation. However, if they are not the 1, they are not the 1. Even the 1 can sometimes go off the edge if God is not at the center. People change, and we must adapt to change.

Love Has No Limits, But People Do. There has to be a point where you draw the line. If they don’t want your love, then you will keep it to yourself. At some point and time you must realize that love is truly a gift. Everyone is not ready for your gift of love. YOU CANNOT GIVE YOUR GIFT TO A THIEF BECAUSE A THIEF DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO RECEIVE, THEY ONLY KNOW HOW TO DECEIVE!

I feel your pain, and want you to avoid as much unnecessary pain as possible. It hurts when you are rejected. It hurts when you don’t understand why they can’t see the big picture. It hurts when it seems like you give and give only to get little in return. Hang in there. Love is real and you will be able to love someone who loves you back for real. You may not be able to control how you feel, but you can control what you do with those feelings. Give yourself an early Christmas gift. SOMETIMES THE BEST LOVE YOU CAN GIVE A PERSON IS TO LOVE THEM AT A DISTANCE WHEN LOVING THEM UP CLOSE IS KILLING YOU!

Remember, you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Question of the Week: Is This Dude For Real?

November 3, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Q: I am a single with two boys and I am also expecting a baby. However, I do desire to meet that person who is for me and get married sometime in the future. I recently met a guy through one of the popular websites and he asked if he could get to know me. Well, looking at his profile I could tell that he was young, didn’t have any kids, and is very educated. I told him a little about me, that I was about 8 years older, have kids, and I am expecting so I probably wouldn’t be his type. His response was that he didn’t mind that and he felt that I was trying to brush him off before I got to know him.

I was a little unsure if this was something that I wanted to pursue since he was younger, but as we conversed he seemed to be more mature than I thought. He has the qualities of a good man but I don’t really know him that well, so I can’t say that for sure. However, he seemed to be interested and we have a lot in common. Then for some reason he became unsure if I was what he was looking for. He mentioned the fact that I am expecting may bother him. He asked if there would be any drama and also mentioned that people may be able to tell that I am older than him, when he previously mentioned that he liked older women. I really didn’t know what to say because it caught me off guard.

Here we are having a good conversation and later that night he called me with all the above questions. I let him know that there wouldn’t be any drama, but my main concern was what made him change his mind. I told him that he seems to be a really good guy, and I wish him luck in finding what he is looking for. Then his response was that he told me he would see if me and him could be more than friends. My question is if you know that someone is the person for you why question it? My thought is that he may have spoken to someone who disapproves.

A: There are a lot of different directions I can go with my response, but let us begin with the fact that you are pregnant and have 2 kids, so you have little time to be playing games. So, you meet this guy online who knows nothing about you, yet makes it seem as though he is all into you. You began to tell him personal things about you far too soon. Not only did you tell him personal information about yourself far too soon, you also discredited yourself by essentially saying that he would not want you because you are older, have kids and are expecting. So, if this is true, then I would ask you, why were you on the site anyway? If you believe that no one would want you because of those factors, then you have already eliminated yourself.  There are different types of men out there. Some already have kids, and don’t want anymore, so you would be a good candidate for them. Some want a lot of kids, so you may also fit into their category. Nonetheless, you shouldn’t be there if you eliminated yourself before you began. So, you must know who you are regardless and have confidence in yourself. You must respect yourself. If you don’t respect you, you cannot expect someone else to.

You said, “He has the qualities of a good man, but you don’t really know him that well, so you can’t say so for sure??????” Umm, let me repeat to make sure I am reading and hearing correctly. You said, “He has the qualities of a good man, but you don’t really know him that well, so you can’t say so for sure.” So, you really don’t know what qualities he has because you don’t know him period! Don’t try to create something that isn’t there. Anyone can say nice things to get what they want. That doesn’t mean they have good qualities. Not to mention, the communication appears to all be through either the internet or by phone and it doesn’t sound like it has been a lot of communication at that.

The bottom line is you gave too much too soon and you expected too much too soon. To answer your question, he did not take any of this seriously, so of course he questioned it.  You said he may have spoken to someone who disapproves. Who cares! A man knows what he wants, period! You are focused on the wrong thing. The bottom line is that this is not it, and at this point, you are wasting your time. If someone could talk him out of it, then he ain’t IT!!You did not know this man. It is evident he is playing games. It is evident he was not serious. It is evident he just saw someone online he found attractive and was led by his flesh. It is evident that you are not the only person he was in conversation with. It is evident that you truly want to be loved, but you are going about it all the wrong ways. It is evident that he could say almost anything to you and you would believe it. What has he done or could do this soon to make you ready to jump in? Nothing!! You must be very careful because you are setting yourself up as an easy target for men who prey on weakness. You deserve greatness, but you must first recognize who you are and develop self-confidence because I assure you, that type of man will not aid you in that category.

The biggest issue at hand is that you are seeking love, but don’t fully love yourself. It is evident to me because you should not have placed so much stock in this situation that is almost evident from the beginning that it was not much of anything. You are a gift, but you must also walk in your giftedness. Right now, you are attracting weak men because there are some areas in your life that are weak. The one is out there, but there are some key areas that you must focus on with you 1st. No one ever likes to hear this, but you must truly work on you or you will find yourself going through this same cycle over and over again. Words alone are not enough. A man’s actions must line up with his words.

One of the biggest causes of pain for men and women when seeking a relationship is when they are so in love with love and the idea of being in love; it literally blinds them from seeing the reality of a situation. YOU CANNOT MARRY LOVE ITSELF, YOU MARRY A PERSON WHO HAS THE CAPACITY TO DEMONSTRATE  LOVE! It would make things easier if we could marry love, but you marry a person who should walk in love and demonstrate love, but they are still a person who must continue to grow throughout the different phases of life. Hence, there is never a love problem because love itself doesn’t have a problem. It is the person who taints or distorts your perception of love.

There are wonderful men and women out there who give love a good name, but there are also some who give love a bad name. You are Single For 1, that 1 person who will demonstrate love. Let’s be real, scripture tells us that a husband must love his wife like Christ loved the church, and He died for it. A woman is to submit to her husband as unto the Lord. Both are also to submit one to another.  It’s a joint effort and requires self-sacrifice on both parts. IF A MAN IS NOT WILLING TO DIE FOR THE WOMAN HE SAYS HE LOVES, THE LOVE HE SPEAKS OF IS NO LOVE AT ALL! Don’t get mad with me, the Word says that a husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. We can no longer hide from the facts. A GOD ORDAINED MARRIAGE IS A CALLING THAT COMES WITH RESPONSIBILITY AND IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO ANSWER THE CALL, STAY AT HOME!  Love you and love will find you. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Question of the Week: Is It Just Me or do all men….??

October 12, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Question: 1.) I’ve heard a few brothers state that they will know their wife when they see her.  Even stating that there are so many fine women out there, it’s hard to choose. You don’t know where to start; it’s like an all you can eat, I guess.  With all the progressive, saved, attractive, smart, funny, working, owning their own homes and most of all living in their God designed purpose, why is it that black saved men continue to lament that they are still waiting and seeking God for a wife?  And some haven’t dated in years. Is there a lack, despite the notion that there are many “good women out there?”  Are men overwhelmed, passive or looking for something unobtainable..perfection?

2.) Why is it when you go to a single’s event, supposedly to meet other singles, including the opposite sex, that the women have fun while the men stand on the walls?  If you scan the room it’s like Sunday morning at 11:00AM, the most segregated day and time of the week?  I never understand that when I go to these functions.  Women have more fun dancing, talking, laughing, and fellowshipping with each other, while brothers sit and stand on the sidelines, “claiming that they didn’t come to meet anyone.” Is it a crime to fellowship with sisters?  Have women created a wall between men and women to the degree that men are uncomfortable with socializing because they are thinking that the woman will take his gesture for more than what it is?  But then again, I get tired of making the woman the scapegoat for a man’s inadequacies.

Answer: Greetings my dear subscribers. Now, don’t we have some interesting questions today? It was so much until it had to be a 2 part question. Well, let me jump right on into it.

Well, you know by now that I say it over and over again that the man is to pursue. So, yes, a man will know who his wife is when he knows who his wife is. Now that timeline is not necessarily all on him if God is in fact leading. There is no time limit on when that should happen. There could be a room full of attractive, intelligent and great women. However, does that mean that his wife is in that room? No. On the other hand, that has nothing to do with having conversations and getting to know others who are attending the singles event. I mean, you are at a singles event. Even if you are supposedly not there to meet anyone, did you come to stare at a wall? You can do that at home. So, I hear your frustration with that.

I have noticed a significant pattern over the years. We seem to have 3 classifications of men when it comes to social settings. They are either very annoying and or socially awkward, very sociable or rather shy. It typically does not take long for women in the room to detect which one falls into which category. However, let me also come to the defense of those men who try to talk to different women at these events. There are women who attend single social events who get upset because the same guy who they were not interested in later tried to talk to another person that they knew. Well, it is apparent he is looking to meet someone. So, if one turns him down, does that mean he is supposed to go stand on the wall? No, he is there because he is looking. If he does not know you, how would he know if another woman he tried to have a conversation with was a friend or acquaintance of yours? I know that in some cases, they do. However, that is a different topic. So, some women do need to make up their minds. If he does not interest you, let him keep it moving. However, don’t get upset because he tried to talk to someone else in the room that you just happen to know. He saw what caught his interest and made a move. Granted, I suppose that is not the type of guy this question is pertaining to.

I will not categorize these scenarios to be related to men of one specific race. These scenarios are no respecter of color. It happens in a number of different social settings and mixed settings. However, if he is a Christian man seeking a Christian woman to potentially marry, I would be proud to know that he is not running after just any pretty face. I have said this in other posts, “men have to wait as well.” Sure, the woman waits for the man to pursue. However, if he is led by God, which is what you should want, then he too must wait for God to show him. Now, without being overly spiritual, if you are at a singles event, you should socialize. You can’t get to know someone until you actually have a conversation with them. I am a man; I have consulted other men and had conversations with some. I know that quite a number of men who attend singles functions are not there for their health. Even if a man is shy, if he is really interested in a woman, he will eventually get the courage to say something. If you are a man and are shy when it comes to approaching women, you need to pay a visit to The Duke so we can work on that, so you can pursue your potential wife.

Some men have not dated for years, just as some women have not dated for years. A number of things could play into that, which for the sake of time, I will not delve into. However, you answered your own question. You said some men say it’s so hard to choose because there are so many great women to choose from until it’s like an all you can eat buffet. Well, if it was like an all you can eat buffet, why is it that you say some men have not dated in years? If the buffet was so wide, he should have a date all the time if I were to follow your theory. Now, if he was a chronic dater or a guy who casually dated, then sure he could date a lot. However, if he is seeking a wife, those numbers should be lower. The same applies to women who may have not dated in years or that often. You then go on to say that perhaps men are overwhelmed, passive or seeking perfection. What’s interesting is the same things you are saying is the same thing some men say about women.

It’s almost like this tug of war. Some men say women act like they don’t want to speak at single events when they approach. Some women say men act like they can’t speak at these events. Well, I sure hope someone is talking. Some women say men must be seeking perfection, while some men say women must be seeking perfection. This all goes back to the need for more dialogue between men and women, which is what Single For 1 aims to do. Just because a man did not leave with your phone number does not mean he wasn’t there to meet someone. However, there are men who leave frustrated because they tried and could not get anyone’s phone number. It all depends on who you ask.

I assure you that there are not many men out there who will say that there is a lack of great women available. If he does say that, he is barely looking, that is for sure. I will also say to women, that contrary to popular belief, there is not a lack of good men. The two just needs to come together more often. I encounter both everyday.

Some men will stand on the wall just in an attempt to be cool. I can understand standing there for a while as you scan the room to see where you will eventually migrate to. However, standing on the wall all night is indeed pointless. If the only person he got to know something about that night was the wall, then we have a problem. I also understand that a lot of times, women come to singles events in groups. So, you may know everyone in your group and have a great time. So, he may see you standing out in the crowd, but you are having so much fun, he would have to interrupt you for a conversation. I have seen this go 1 of 2 ways. Either, the woman will stop and talk or she will act disinterested while her girlfriends are looking at the man like he is crazy for interrupting what they had going on. Granted, if you are disinterested, that is perfectly ok. No need to waste time. However, at least give the conversation a fair chance. Don’t be rude about it. You did ask if it is a crime to fellowship with women. It is not, but if your security team of friends are blocking everyone who comes around, that too can be a problem. Sometimes, women also forget that they are single and desire a spouse when they are having a good time at these events. If you already know them, I know it’s comfortable to hang with them all night. However, you didn’t come to see them now did you? Some men are not fans of packs. This of course is no excuse for a man. If he sees someone he is interested in, he should pursue. I make no excuses for men nor do I make any for women. Because, well, quite frankly The Duke does not like excuses!

Overall, when we are talking about Christian men and women who desire the 1 God has for them, there is not a woman problem or a man problem. Oftentimes, it is a communication problem. Too often, the two sides make assumptions that are flat-out wrong. Some men say, “I didn’t approach her because she was surrounded by all her friends.” Some women say, “He didn’t approach me because he came to play games.” Both could be wrong and don’t even know it. Stop assuming. When you don’t have communication, you will always be left with assumptions. Assumptions don’t work so well when you don’t know someone. Sometimes, it seems like both are out at shore at times, but we will make it to land sooner than later. Remember, you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Question of the Week: What If We Want Each Other But Can’t Have Each Other?

September 28, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Q: How do you handle a situation where you are dear friends with a guy? Both of you have expressed if it were not for distance you would be interested in pursuing a committed relationship. You love each other on a spiritual and more than friends level, but it cannot be more because of distance? Do you remain friends or cut it loose.

A: The long distance relationship dilemma is very common. Some individuals can handle long distance, and others cannot. It sounds as though the two of you have made it clear that long distance is not for you. Unless, one of you are against long distance relationships, while the other just went along with it. Either way, long distance relationships does require some patience, but it is doable. It all goes back to what one wants. I understand that because of distance, the time spent together will be much less.

However, we must look at the other side of this scenario. You both said that you would be interested in the potential of getting into a committed relationship if it were not for distance. We can use the “if” factor for a number of things. Things such as: “I would have pursued you if I wasn’t so busy.” I would have said something if I knew you had an interest in me too.”

The “If” factor is irrelevant at the end of the day. It is or it isn’t. It goes back to a choice that must be made. So, if you love each other as more than just friends, then what is going to be done about that? You both seem to be saying that you want each other, but can’t have each other. If he believes you to be the 1, he will pursue. It’s similar to those who are married to or in a relationship with someone in the military or someone who travels and are gone for an extended period of time. It takes adjusting, but some find a way to make it work, while others walk away. Sometimes it can become too taxing, but it all goes back to what you are willing to handle. You must know what to expect when you enter into situations as those, and when both parties come on board, they are saying that they accept the fact that distance will play a factor throughout their relationship.

Do you remain friends or cut it loose? Well, first let me pose a question. If you two managed to develop this love for one another as more than friends, did distance stop that from happening? Oooh, pick me! Pick me! My hand is raised…Pick me! Thank you. NO, distance did not stop that from happening. So, you managed to continue to foster this friendship at a distance, and apparently the feelings are still mutual. It doesn’t matter if you became friends before distance. The feelings are still mutual. Distance did not stop you both from contemplating the idea of getting into a committed relationship. So, I would suggest that you both really analyze the situation. Is distance being used as an excuse? Ok, if he was in China somewhere, that would make it that much more difficult to see one another often enough. However, there was a song out some many years ago by Monica. Some of the lyrics were, “I will cross the ocean for you, I will go and bring you the moon.” Another verse says, “If there is a mountain to move, I will move that mountain for you.” The words are self-explanatory.

I say all this to say that when it comes to relationships, it does not have to be a guessing game. It is or it isn’t. People have overcome greater obstacles to be with one another. It sounds like you two are good friends. So, you must decide how much you can handle as far as remaining friends. It should be easy to remain friends because you can’t be together because of distance right? You can be long distance friends and still develop feelings, but can’t be in a long distance relationship right? (wink).  That’s what you said in so many words. However, if you find that your feelings are becoming stronger towards this man; it may be best that you distance yourself some until you are confident you can handle the long distance friendship, which seems to be working just fine.

The long distance friendship is so strong until you are asking if you should cut him off as a friend. The question is coming up because once someone realizes they can’t have someone they want; it can very quickly change the dynamic of that “friendship.” Dig deeper and see the bigger picture here. If it will not be, it just will not be for whatever reason you two have come up with. That is ok. Move forward, and if you find that it is becoming harder for you, then it will be in your best interest to pull away. IF YOU WANT EACH OTHER BUT CAN’T HAVE EACH OTHER, GO FIND ANOTHER! That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

The 1st Date Rollercoaster

August 15, 2011 at 1:25 pm

There is so much anticipation for the 1st date. There may be some anxiety because no one really knows what to expect. Of course, you want to have a good time. The man wants to impress the woman and the woman wants to impress the man. The approaches taken by the man and the woman may be different, but both still want to leave an impression on the other. There are some 1st dates that bring back wonderful memories that you can’t forget, but there are some 1st dates that you wish you could forget. There are some who have been on too many 1st dates in the past year, while others have not had a 1st date in years. Everyone is at a different stage of the process.  First date experiences can be a rollercoaster ride filled with some twists and turns and highs and lows. Whether you have had a lot of 1st dates, few 1st dates or no 1st dates, if you desire to marry, it is the common thread that joins everyone together in this process. I stress this time and time again, that it is not about the quantity of dates, but it is about the quality. I don’t believe anyone goes in thinking that they will have 20 first dates and 20 disappointments. There may be frustrations along the way, but you have to keep pressing forward. It may not always work out with that person. That individual will eventually in all likelihood becomes someone’s spouse, but that is all fine and good because you want the 1 who is for you. You clearly cannot marry every person you have ever gone out on a date with. The quicker you find out that it should not go any further, the better. The more you drag it along, the greater your chances are for greater heartache. IF YOU HANG AROUND A DEAD RELATIONSHIP, YOU WILL GET AN INFECTION. Infections are irritating, do not feel good, contaminates you and some are contagious and can spread to others. The sooner you know the better. There is no need to stay with someone you know is not the 1. I have included 3 tips that will help you navigate through the 1st date before and after.

1.)  Limit Conversations About Your Ex- It does not matter if they bring it up or not. Keep the conversation limited about past relationships. You don’t need to delve into details no matter how curious they are. You are not there to discuss your past. Yes, the past helps the other person to understand where you are now, but there is a time and place for that, but the 1st date is not the time or the place. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to fall into the trap of going into detail about a past relationship, whether good or bad. Trust me, they really don’t care much about who you were in a relationship with nor do they care to hear full details. If it was so good, why aren’t you still with them? Also, if it was something tragic that happened, you don’t want to make the other person feel awkward or feel bad for you. You wouldn’t be there if you didn’t believe you were ready to move forward one way or another. Hence, if they pry, they are just being flat out curious and or nosey. So, wobble your way out of it and onto the next subject. If it was bad and you get caught in the trap and you know that you are half crazy (lol), you don’t want them to see a side of you come out that they didn’t have time to prepare for. We know the saying, “First impressions are lasting.” You may be a wonderful person, but they don’t need to see you going off at the 1st date, even if it was about someone else. In their mind, they may be thinking, “You have issues.” You may very well have moved on, but they can’t tell based on the flow of the conversation.  If you do decide to continue to move forward with this individual, oh yes my friend, they will remember that ex and store that in their memory bank to bring it up in the future. It’s a 1st date. You don’t want it to turn into a therapy session.  Do you want to hear someone go on and on about their past relationship when they should be there to discover more about you? I didn’t think so!

2.)   Focus More on Them and Less on You- I’m sure that they will ask you a question about specific areas of your life, and you are expected to share. However, there is a difference between sharing and monopolizing a conversation. I know for some of you this is difficult because you can talk 1,000 miles an hour. However, every response does not require a 5-10 minute monologue. Notice that I said monologue. The 1st date is not a monologue; it is a dialogue between the 2 of you. Their face may not always show it, but in their mind, they may be very bored. I know some of you have the gift of keeping someone’s attention, but share the conversation. Men and women can make the same mistake when it comes to this area.

Men, you don’t have to try to impress her by talking about all you are doing and what you have done, or give her your entire life’s mission statement on the 1st date. Truthfully, those things don’t impress a lot of women. They are typically looking for something simple like good communication, morals and a caring heart. Sure, they want to know that you can provide, but she is likely not looking so much for or is impressed by you talking about things she is more than capable of doing for herself. I know the temptation is there to put it all on the table because it may be your only shot. However, if she is there, you have her attention. Save some of the details for date 2 or future phone conversations. Don’t unload your entire resume on date #1.

Women, don’t go on and on about what you like and don’t like. If you give a man the entire blueprint on date 1, if he is a knockoff, he can fake it because you just gave him an all access key to you. DON’T GIVE A MAN A BLUEPRINT OF YOUR HEART IF HE IS NOT CERTIFIED TO BUILD.

Also, don’t be pulling out your cell phone to constantly text. There may be times when you may be getting an update on your kids if you have kids. It is quite rude to constantly text on a date in which you are trying to get to know someone. The person you are texting is not out with you. It is supposed to be the two of you, but now you have brought in a 3rd person. The person you are on a date with may feel that perhaps the date needs to end soon because there must be something important you need to tend to. Not to mention, you don’t want the other person to think that you are updating a friend about how the date is going. Wait until they step away for a moment or you step away.

3.)  If They Don’t Call Back, Keep It Moving- This can be challenging for many because some of your egos won’t allow you to think that it actually did not go so well. One individual may have thought the date went well, but the other may have thought otherwise. On the other hand, the date could have gone well for the both of you, but perhaps the connection just wasn’t there. That does not mean that something is wrong with you or them. Don’t get angry and starting saying, “That’s their loss.” Well, if you weren’t supposed to be together, it’s no one’s loss.  Don’t get caught up with the list of questions you torture yourself with like: “Did I do or say something wrong?” “Did I say too much?” “Did I scare them off?” “Was I too aggressive?” “Did they not find me attractive?” The list goes on and on. Did you ever consider that maybe you did something right, but they were not ready to go any further because they knew that they were not on the same page as you? Did you ever consider that your standards that you have set caused them to flee? Again I say, the sooner you know the better. You don’t have time to waste, nor do you want to waste anyone else’s time. There is no need to hold onto something that is just not for you. We complicate things by adding all these extra stuff onto it. The old saying goes, “If if don’t fit, don’t force it.” Remember, you are Single For 1. If they are not the 1, they need to move out of the way so the 1 can show up. Happy 1st dating. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

A Good Man Is Not Hard to Find

July 15, 2011 at 3:05 pm

I overheard a conversation the other day when I was in the gym between a man and a woman. They were talking about relationships and sex. I know this will come as a shock to some women, but it was not the woman who was doing the schooling, but it was the man. The man told the woman that she should not think like the world because the world will tell you that you have to “test drive” before you get married. In other words, the world says you should have sex with someone you are with before you get married to see what it is like. He told her that he is not worried about that because the woman who will be his wife, he does not have to “test drive” before he got married because he knew God would make it good. The woman had this perplexed look on her face. She told him that it is easier for a man to adjust to something like that than it is for a woman. She implied that it is easier for a man to teach a woman in the bedroom than it is for a woman to teach a man. She suggested that she was afraid that if she waited to have sex until she was married that she could be disappointed. So, she said that she needed to know what she was working with. The man proceeded to tell her that he knows that there are a lot of women who say they plan to wait until marriage when they meet someone new, but he said that many of them give into sex because they were not attempting to remain abstinent for the right reasons. He said their desire to remain abstinent should be to please the Lord, not to try to prove a point to themselves. The woman went on to say that some people just have good control. He said that he believed anyone who said they were in control when it came to sex was lying. He said that he remains humble because he understands that if put in a compromising situation, he could slip up. So, he said that he will not put himself in a position where it could happen. The woman then went on to say that she is a love addict. So, she loves hard, and she tries to protect herself from falling for the wrong individual. She stated that she wants a good man with good standards. However, she also implied that she has not been around many who have them.  She also talked about what she sees in other relationships. The man again pointed out that she could not look at everyone else. She seemed receptive to what the man was saying, and I could see in her eyes that she just didn’t know what she didn’t know.  She wanted better, but didn’t know how to do better.

You can’t do better if you don’t know better. Also, in order to attract someone with good standards, you must first have a set of good standards yourself. The woman said she had a set of standards that she set in reference to men from a good sermon she heard at her church. However, I was thinking that it was good that she had set those standards for a man. However, I was troubled that it sounded as though she had not set a standard for herself. I will begin by saying to the ladies, that from that random conversation I overheard in the gym, it would never make the news. I understand that there are men out there who are all about games, but there are still men with high standards and who desire to do it the right way. There are still good men looking for good woman. Some may feel that this man in the gym was an exception to the rule. However, just imagine how many more conversations across the world are happening just like the one I heard at the gym. I wanted to go and shake the man’s hand and tell him thank you for setting a good example, but I did not want them to know I heard the conversation. LOL..

So, I say to the women that there is a good man for you, and regardless of what the media says about the statistics, there are still good men looking for good women. This woman in the gym wanted a man with standards like the man who was talking to her, but to be honest, a man like him would not have wanted a woman like her based on her standards alone. He made a good point to her. He said that if women were more honest upfront, men would respect them more. What he was really saying was, set a standard and keep that standard and a man will have no choice but to respect you. I have said this before and I will say it again, it is not all on the men in our society. There are a lot of spoiled men because there are a lot of women who spoiled them. Some women and some men have made it harder for the good candidates who are ready. Nevertheless, we cannot focus on what happened then, we can only focus on what we can do now.  Educate one another because it may help the next person they come in contact with. There are some people you have been in relationships with that did not work out, but hopefully everyone involved learned lessons that will help them be better in the next. I will lay out 3 principles you should follow in any relationship.

1.)  Respect Yourself– Let’s be real. You can say something, but your actions can show otherwise. It’s not so much in what you say as it is in what you do. I have said this on numerous occasions that, if you don’t respect you, how can you expect anyone else to. I was scrolling through facebook the other day and saw someone’s status update in my news feed. It said, “Can someone please tell me what a Good Woman is? I mean, I don’t know of any woman who doesn’t think she is one. Even the hoe’s think they one.” Pardon the language, but I tried to keep it as authentic as possible. However, in the midst of that very statement, she made a true point. I myself have not met anyone who didn’t think they would make a great wife or a man who didn’t think he would make a great husband. Now, I have met people who said they were not ready, but no one who does not think they are not good. Even those who know they are playing games and enjoying it, they know what they do is wrong, but they still believe they are good men or women overall. I applaud the confidence level as we were taught as a child to have a good self-esteem. However, let us also not fool ourselves. We reap what we sow.  How can you expect to attract someone of good quality if you are operating below the level you should be on? Is it fair to think that you deserve more than what you are presenting? Yes, I know knockoffs will show up, but you don’t have to entertain them. I also know that there are some who presented themselves to be one way, and after the mask was removed, you saw another side. This is why those who are not qualified will sometimes make a move. This is because they still recognize quality when they see it. Respect yourself and even if folk find reasons not to like you, they will have to respect you because you walk what you talk. You do well if someone says they know they have to get right before they can be with you. It means you set a standard and commanded respect. Let them walk.

2.)   Don’t Compare What You Have to Anyone Else- One of the biggest mistakes you can ever make is to compare yourself or your relationship to someone else. You are setting yourself up for failure when you do this.  You don’t know what goes on fully in someone else’s relationship and there are 2 sides to every story, and the truth is somewhere in there. Focus on where you are and what you have. Don’t wonder how they got that person and why you are still alone. We all have our own cross to bear. Don’t go around wishing you had someone else’s because you don’t know the cost, just like they don’t know the cost of what it is you have to carry. Not to mention, there is only 1 you in the entire world, so there is no need to compare. Be happy with what the Lord has given you, and He will give you more and make it even better than you expected. The mistake you make is to say you want someone like what so and so has, but that type of someone may not even be a true fit for your personality. Let God fit the pieces of the puzzle together rather than you trying to create your own. Let’s be real, many have messed it up too many times when they thought they had it figured out. It’s amazing how what you thought you liked changes over time.

3.)  Communicate Your Expectations- The problem that happens in many relationships is that expectations are not communicated up front. Some decide to talk about expectations before marriage. Expectations are important because we are dealing with 2 individuals who are trying to come together. There may be things that make you tick that may not bother the other person. So, both of you should lay out expectations early on. Sometimes this does not come up until the other individual does something that upsets you. This will happen, but some of it can be prevented with proper communication early and often. What are your likes and dislikes? What do you expect in a mate? What is a complete turnoff? What do you feel you need from them? These are conversations that should occur, not with someone you just met, but with someone in which you both are talking about getting into a relationship. You supply limited information to someone you are getting to know. You don’t want to give away your entire blueprint to a potential thief. This is important because there are some who are not ready to meet those expectations. There are also some who will agree just to agree, but trust me, it will be time tested. Communication is key.

There are roadblocks that may come up on your journey, but don’t allow those roadblocks to deter you from moving forward. If you stay on the side of the road, you will impede your progress towards the 1. They are on that journey somewhere. You may not know when and where, but that is why it is so important that you keep moving forward. There are others who are on the same journey. They may have their own road to travel, but just know that you are never traveling alone. Like many others, you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

5 Bad Rules You Should Break

May 19, 2011 at 2:50 pm

I am continuing in the series entitled, Back to the Basics. There are some rules that some follow that are just bad rules, and they should be broken. I don’t know where they originated from, but I do know that if you practice them, you should break them right about now.

Bad Rule #1: Wait 2-3 Days to Call Someone After You Get Their Number

Let us remind ourselves, that if you are serious about life in general, you don’t have time for mindless games. Here is a side note: I do not support women getting the man’s phone number and calling him 1st when there is potential for a relationship or any attraction or interest. If it’s not business of some sort, you just do best to avoid getting a man’s number. This goes back to a reminder from last week’s post, the man pursues. So, men, it does not mean that you are desperate if you call before this bogus 2-3 day timeframe. The key is that you have her number, so take the time out to call her when you are ready and have made time, not just waiting for a couple of days to go by for a silly rule. What sense does it make to really be excited to talk to this woman, but forcing yourself to wait 2-3 days to make the contact? If you take 2-3 days to call her, let it be for a legitimate reason. However, please note that a woman is not typically impressed by long delays. She took the time out to give you her number, which also means she should value her time as should you. She may be expecting your call. You can also run the risk of the woman getting upset because you are taking so long to call, and she may begin to think you are playing games. You don’t want to start off on the wrong foot because when her mind is made up, it can be difficult to change it when you have no proven history with her.

With that being said, both men and women should not play the game of who called who last. This is where either the woman called the man last or the man called the woman last, so you feel that you should not call back until the other persons calls you next. If you both are interested in each other, that should not matter. Of course, if you feel that it is one-sided over time, then that is a red flag you need to be watching. Once you have begun communicating, it is acceptable for the woman to now contact the man because at this point you are beginning to build something. However, don’t do it a moment sooner. The man still must pursue. Of course the man wants to know that you are equally interested in getting to know him better. However, in the beginning, the man should make the contact as stated before.

 Bad Rule #2: You Should Go to Dinner and a Movie on the 1st Date

BORING!! This seems to be the template for 1st dates, but it is not the only thing you can do. There is nothing wrong with it, but men, this is your opportunity to be creative.  Yes, the most important thing is that you are getting to know each other better by spending time, but don’t put yourself in a box. Think outside of the box. Sure, dinner is good because you can eat and have good dialogue over dinner. However, in many cases the woman will try to be cute with her eating, and the man may hold back a little too. You will have very little conversation at the movies. Sure, it may make for good conversation after, but you can only talk about a movie for so long. That is valuable time you could have been spending with each other and getting to know each other elsewhere. Again, dinner and a movie are ok, but try something new.

Bad Rule #3: Cooking is Just For Women

Eating is a necessity in life. Most women during ancient times would do most of the cooking because the man went out to kill the food to bring home for her to cook. It is very possible in today’s society that a man may work from home and his wife may work at another location. So, when you get married and are home all day, it would not hurt to do something around the house until she gets home. Team effort! So, a man should not solely depend on a woman to cook as a woman should not solely depend on a man to cook. If it works out that way where the woman does most of the cooking, that is perfectly acceptable. However, it is not the rule. What would happen if masses of women began to say, “I need a man who can cook?!” Some tradition has its place. This is not a horrible tradition, but when you are married, both of you are part of a team. You do what works for the both of you and what you agree upon. However, it would not be a bad idea for both to learn how to cook a few things. Learn together, it could be fun. There’s an idea for you for bad rule #2, you can go out on a 1st date to a cooking class. It is fun, brings laughter, and you both are doing something together. You also get to eat it at the end. Side note: Men, this will not question your masculinity. It’s something different in a good way and can be more memorable than a typical movie and dinner because it’s different. You can still have great conversation.

 Bad Rule #4: You Can Kiss On The 1st Date

Next!

Bad Rule #5: You Think I Should Go Into More Detail with Bad Rule #4

Ok, so maybe I will. I don’t think it needs much explanation, but perhaps it does. Bad Rule #4 is meant to be broken. I don’t know where that bad rule came from, but it seems to be very common in this society. Let’s keep in mind, you are Single For 1.  Some of you are frowning because you are thinking it is something you would never do. However, anything is possible, and if you are out with someone you find very attractive and they are very impressive on the 1st date, you may surprise yourself. So, I am preparing you so that you will prepare yourself to be on guard. Some of you have kissed on a 1st date, and I am not judging you at all. I am putting it in perspective. For starters, you may very well not know this person like that. If I may use slang, “you don’t know them from Adam.” Sure, there may be a physical attraction, but that’s too many points on the 1st date given to the other person. Slow your roll and take your time. How many of you had great 1st dates and terrible seconds? Better yet, how many of you had what you thought was a great date, but no 2nd date ever came? So, what happens if you’ve been on a few dates in a short amount of time? Are you kissing them too if the date goes well? Don’t sign up to be a kissing bandit.

The Real Bad Rule #5: You Should Go on a Date With Someone You Just Met

Sure, this happens. A man asks a woman for her number and if he can take her out. The phone call is just to set up where you all will be going and what time. This is common, and it is not horrible as long as you are in a public place. You don’t want to be linking up with any stranger. I am not saying you should not go on a 1st date with someone you just met, but I will help save you some time. So, this is why it will serve you well to talk on the phone with the person a few times before you go out on a date. This will give an opportunity for both the man and woman to get to know a little about each other. You can also save yourself a lot of time and energy upfront. The initial conversation on the phone or some afterwards may be enough for one of you to realize that you don’t care to go out with them based on what you talked about. This is not about a free meal. Many women have had free meals, but could barely endure the date. Many men have paid for meals hoping the date would end soon.  Ladies, don’t cheat yourself just for a filet mignon that will have you hungry again in an hour. It’s just not worth it. Not only that, now you run the risk of leading someone on. DON’T LOWER YOUR STANDARDS TO GO ON A DATE FOR A FREE MEAL BECAUSE YOU MAY WALK OUT WITH FOOD POISONING! And I am talking about from something other than the food.  Ladies, why accept the date, if he already struck out? Men, why go on the date if she has struck out? At the end of the day, if you are on your journey towards marriage, take it seriously in everything you do. If you don’t take it seriously, no one else will. If you don’t care, no one else will. Remember, You are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Back to The Basics!

May 13, 2011 at 1:21 pm

When did society take a turn? When did the simple things become so complex? When did men stop approaching women and women started approaching men? When did that become a norm in our society? When did a man begin to think that a woman was supposed to roll out the red carpet for him when he has not proven himself? When did a woman become convinced that she had to lower her standards just to get a man? We may not know when this all began to be pumped into society to where it has become a norm as opposed to the exception. Nevertheless, we have to get back to the basics. The basics are the simple things. It is like Relationship 101. The problem is that too many individuals are trying to skip to the advanced level without first mastering the basics. One must 1st learn to count before they can complete any math formula. STOP ALLOWING PEOPLE TO GRADUATE IN YOUR LIFE WHEN THEY NEVER PASSED THE TEST! That means that they will not be equipped when you run into real challenges. Get back to the basics. So, I will outline a few basic principles that we must keep in mind on this journey towards healthy relationships and marriage.

1.)  A Man Pursues a Woman- Well, this is about as basic as it comes. However, this 1st principle alone has become so complex. I have lost count of how many women I have consulted who are frustrated that men find them intimidating. To make matters worse, it’s true that some men are intimidated by certain women. Since when did having standards, serving God, being about your business, pursuing your goals and just being a flat-out great package become intimidating? Since when did a woman have to apologize for being who God made her to be? This should be seen as a great opportunity to potentially connect with a woman who is not looking for a Bailout, which is simply for a man to come along and rescue them. You don’t want a spouse to complete you; you need them to complement you. I have said before that complete means a finished product, and no more learning or changing can occur. If you can’t find comfort and peace in God alone, can’t no man fill that void. Only God has the ability to fill voids. He does not send people to fill voids, he sends people so you can have more of what you need to fulfill His will. The problem is that a strong person can unintentionally shine a light on someone else’s insecurities. When someone intimidates you, it means that they frighten or threaten you. The last thing you want in a relationship is competition between each other. That could never work because in marriage 2 are becoming 1. You cannot be with someone who is jealous of your successes. If nothing else, the higher one goes, the higher the other goes because you are supposed to be in it together.  Men, I submit to you that YOU SHOULD NOT WANT A WOMAN WHO ONLY TAKES AWAY, YOU SHOULD WANT A WOMAN WHO ADDS ON! Let the ego go. You both should be able to add on to each other.  Women, do not water yourself down for the sake of getting just a man. Adam was blown away when he first saw Eve. So men, it’s ok if she is breathtaking, but get yourself together and pursue. A woman does not find great joy when you say things to them like: You must have a boyfriend, you are too pretty to be single, too intelligent to be alone, etc. That is not a compliment.  If nothing else, it is frustrating and makes you sound insecure. If any of those were true for the current moment, why would you be attempting to have a conversation with her? Don’t strike out before you even start. Women, stop thinking that you need to help a man say what is on his mind. Better yet, stop thinking you can read a man’s mind. He does not need his hands held. He is no longer a child, not on a bottle, and does not need you to be his mother. You should not want to be his mother, nor can you be. If that’s what it appears he is asking for, send him back home to his mama. A wife needs a husband, not a child. A man needs a wife, not another mother. If he cannot step up to the plate, then he is just not the 1. As I say time and time again, a man knows what he wants and will go after it. You won’t have to do any guessing.

 2.)  Know Yourself- Sure, everyone under the sun thinks they know who they are. However, when certain circumstances arise where you are tested, that helps you see where you really are. If you don’t know enough about you, how can you attempt to build a relationship with someone else for the long-term? There is no need to waste someone else’s time when you already know they don’t possess most of what it is that you desire. The old saying goes, “if it don’t fit, don’t force it.” Too many broken relationships are a direct cause of trying to make something work when you see all the signs as to why it will not work. Remember these 2 simple rules and it will save you a lot of time….A.)You cannot change anyone. B.) You cannot make anyone love you unconditionally no matter how hard you try or how much you do.  The key is being confident in who you are. You are who you are and there is no one else in the entire world that is exactly like you. That automatically makes you unique. Stop apologizing for who you are. You may not apologize through your words for who you are, but too many are doing it by changing who they are to try to make a relationship work that wasn’t supposed to work to begin with. THE MOMENT YOU LOWER YOUR STANDARD IS THE MOMENT YOU CHEAPEN YOUR WORTH! You can make all the excuses in the world for why you did it, but the only person in the mirror looking back at you is you. Here is another formula that is proven: A.) Eventually, you will get back what you expect, and you will only put up with what you allow.  Know yourself.

3.)  Don’t Complicate Things- It is or it isn’t. Anything after that complicates things. The man wants to be with the woman and the woman wants to be with the man. If both are not on the same page, that equals instant complication. Sitting around guessing what the other person is thinking creates complications.  Sure, when feelings are involved, things have the potential to get complicated. Communication is key. I am talking about verbal communication backed by action. You cannot go just by what someone says unless they have a proven track record with you. Words must be backed by action. You complicate things when you hear one thing, but see another and ignore it. Whenever you pretend not to see certain signs, you are saying that you choose to ignore it. That’s when excuses begin to come into play. Things get complicated when you hang on to words and hope that eventually the actions will line up. Everything will not always be easy, but if you are going to go to war, make sure that you are going to war with someone who is willing to fight with you. It is difficult to walk away, but it’s much more pain to stay around and leave your heart exposed to someone who is just not on the same page with you.  You deserve the best that is for you, and you have to demand the best. I WOULD RATHER WAIT FOR A SEASON FOR THE RIGHT 1 RATHER THAN TO SACRIFICE A LIFETIME WITH THE WRONG 1! Don’t live below your potential. No matter what has happened or what is happening right now. It does not matter if it appears no one is in sight, and you don’t even see a potential mate. God specializes in Next Day deliveries. What took years can literally change overnight. God has you covered. Remember, you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke