Question of the Week: What If We Want Each Other But Can’t Have Each Other?

September 28, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Q: How do you handle a situation where you are dear friends with a guy? Both of you have expressed if it were not for distance you would be interested in pursuing a committed relationship. You love each other on a spiritual and more than friends level, but it cannot be more because of distance? Do you remain friends or cut it loose.

A: The long distance relationship dilemma is very common. Some individuals can handle long distance, and others cannot. It sounds as though the two of you have made it clear that long distance is not for you. Unless, one of you are against long distance relationships, while the other just went along with it. Either way, long distance relationships does require some patience, but it is doable. It all goes back to what one wants. I understand that because of distance, the time spent together will be much less.

However, we must look at the other side of this scenario. You both said that you would be interested in the potential of getting into a committed relationship if it were not for distance. We can use the “if” factor for a number of things. Things such as: “I would have pursued you if I wasn’t so busy.” I would have said something if I knew you had an interest in me too.”

The “If” factor is irrelevant at the end of the day. It is or it isn’t. It goes back to a choice that must be made. So, if you love each other as more than just friends, then what is going to be done about that? You both seem to be saying that you want each other, but can’t have each other. If he believes you to be the 1, he will pursue. It’s similar to those who are married to or in a relationship with someone in the military or someone who travels and are gone for an extended period of time. It takes adjusting, but some find a way to make it work, while others walk away. Sometimes it can become too taxing, but it all goes back to what you are willing to handle. You must know what to expect when you enter into situations as those, and when both parties come on board, they are saying that they accept the fact that distance will play a factor throughout their relationship.

Do you remain friends or cut it loose? Well, first let me pose a question. If you two managed to develop this love for one another as more than friends, did distance stop that from happening? Oooh, pick me! Pick me! My hand is raised…Pick me! Thank you. NO, distance did not stop that from happening. So, you managed to continue to foster this friendship at a distance, and apparently the feelings are still mutual. It doesn’t matter if you became friends before distance. The feelings are still mutual. Distance did not stop you both from contemplating the idea of getting into a committed relationship. So, I would suggest that you both really analyze the situation. Is distance being used as an excuse? Ok, if he was in China somewhere, that would make it that much more difficult to see one another often enough. However, there was a song out some many years ago by Monica. Some of the lyrics were, “I will cross the ocean for you, I will go and bring you the moon.” Another verse says, “If there is a mountain to move, I will move that mountain for you.” The words are self-explanatory.

I say all this to say that when it comes to relationships, it does not have to be a guessing game. It is or it isn’t. People have overcome greater obstacles to be with one another. It sounds like you two are good friends. So, you must decide how much you can handle as far as remaining friends. It should be easy to remain friends because you can’t be together because of distance right? You can be long distance friends and still develop feelings, but can’t be in a long distance relationship right? (wink).  That’s what you said in so many words. However, if you find that your feelings are becoming stronger towards this man; it may be best that you distance yourself some until you are confident you can handle the long distance friendship, which seems to be working just fine.

The long distance friendship is so strong until you are asking if you should cut him off as a friend. The question is coming up because once someone realizes they can’t have someone they want; it can very quickly change the dynamic of that “friendship.” Dig deeper and see the bigger picture here. If it will not be, it just will not be for whatever reason you two have come up with. That is ok. Move forward, and if you find that it is becoming harder for you, then it will be in your best interest to pull away. IF YOU WANT EACH OTHER BUT CAN’T HAVE EACH OTHER, GO FIND ANOTHER! That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

The 1st Date Rollercoaster

August 15, 2011 at 1:25 pm

There is so much anticipation for the 1st date. There may be some anxiety because no one really knows what to expect. Of course, you want to have a good time. The man wants to impress the woman and the woman wants to impress the man. The approaches taken by the man and the woman may be different, but both still want to leave an impression on the other. There are some 1st dates that bring back wonderful memories that you can’t forget, but there are some 1st dates that you wish you could forget. There are some who have been on too many 1st dates in the past year, while others have not had a 1st date in years. Everyone is at a different stage of the process.  First date experiences can be a rollercoaster ride filled with some twists and turns and highs and lows. Whether you have had a lot of 1st dates, few 1st dates or no 1st dates, if you desire to marry, it is the common thread that joins everyone together in this process. I stress this time and time again, that it is not about the quantity of dates, but it is about the quality. I don’t believe anyone goes in thinking that they will have 20 first dates and 20 disappointments. There may be frustrations along the way, but you have to keep pressing forward. It may not always work out with that person. That individual will eventually in all likelihood becomes someone’s spouse, but that is all fine and good because you want the 1 who is for you. You clearly cannot marry every person you have ever gone out on a date with. The quicker you find out that it should not go any further, the better. The more you drag it along, the greater your chances are for greater heartache. IF YOU HANG AROUND A DEAD RELATIONSHIP, YOU WILL GET AN INFECTION. Infections are irritating, do not feel good, contaminates you and some are contagious and can spread to others. The sooner you know the better. There is no need to stay with someone you know is not the 1. I have included 3 tips that will help you navigate through the 1st date before and after.

1.)  Limit Conversations About Your Ex- It does not matter if they bring it up or not. Keep the conversation limited about past relationships. You don’t need to delve into details no matter how curious they are. You are not there to discuss your past. Yes, the past helps the other person to understand where you are now, but there is a time and place for that, but the 1st date is not the time or the place. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to fall into the trap of going into detail about a past relationship, whether good or bad. Trust me, they really don’t care much about who you were in a relationship with nor do they care to hear full details. If it was so good, why aren’t you still with them? Also, if it was something tragic that happened, you don’t want to make the other person feel awkward or feel bad for you. You wouldn’t be there if you didn’t believe you were ready to move forward one way or another. Hence, if they pry, they are just being flat out curious and or nosey. So, wobble your way out of it and onto the next subject. If it was bad and you get caught in the trap and you know that you are half crazy (lol), you don’t want them to see a side of you come out that they didn’t have time to prepare for. We know the saying, “First impressions are lasting.” You may be a wonderful person, but they don’t need to see you going off at the 1st date, even if it was about someone else. In their mind, they may be thinking, “You have issues.” You may very well have moved on, but they can’t tell based on the flow of the conversation.  If you do decide to continue to move forward with this individual, oh yes my friend, they will remember that ex and store that in their memory bank to bring it up in the future. It’s a 1st date. You don’t want it to turn into a therapy session.  Do you want to hear someone go on and on about their past relationship when they should be there to discover more about you? I didn’t think so!

2.)   Focus More on Them and Less on You- I’m sure that they will ask you a question about specific areas of your life, and you are expected to share. However, there is a difference between sharing and monopolizing a conversation. I know for some of you this is difficult because you can talk 1,000 miles an hour. However, every response does not require a 5-10 minute monologue. Notice that I said monologue. The 1st date is not a monologue; it is a dialogue between the 2 of you. Their face may not always show it, but in their mind, they may be very bored. I know some of you have the gift of keeping someone’s attention, but share the conversation. Men and women can make the same mistake when it comes to this area.

Men, you don’t have to try to impress her by talking about all you are doing and what you have done, or give her your entire life’s mission statement on the 1st date. Truthfully, those things don’t impress a lot of women. They are typically looking for something simple like good communication, morals and a caring heart. Sure, they want to know that you can provide, but she is likely not looking so much for or is impressed by you talking about things she is more than capable of doing for herself. I know the temptation is there to put it all on the table because it may be your only shot. However, if she is there, you have her attention. Save some of the details for date 2 or future phone conversations. Don’t unload your entire resume on date #1.

Women, don’t go on and on about what you like and don’t like. If you give a man the entire blueprint on date 1, if he is a knockoff, he can fake it because you just gave him an all access key to you. DON’T GIVE A MAN A BLUEPRINT OF YOUR HEART IF HE IS NOT CERTIFIED TO BUILD.

Also, don’t be pulling out your cell phone to constantly text. There may be times when you may be getting an update on your kids if you have kids. It is quite rude to constantly text on a date in which you are trying to get to know someone. The person you are texting is not out with you. It is supposed to be the two of you, but now you have brought in a 3rd person. The person you are on a date with may feel that perhaps the date needs to end soon because there must be something important you need to tend to. Not to mention, you don’t want the other person to think that you are updating a friend about how the date is going. Wait until they step away for a moment or you step away.

3.)  If They Don’t Call Back, Keep It Moving- This can be challenging for many because some of your egos won’t allow you to think that it actually did not go so well. One individual may have thought the date went well, but the other may have thought otherwise. On the other hand, the date could have gone well for the both of you, but perhaps the connection just wasn’t there. That does not mean that something is wrong with you or them. Don’t get angry and starting saying, “That’s their loss.” Well, if you weren’t supposed to be together, it’s no one’s loss.  Don’t get caught up with the list of questions you torture yourself with like: “Did I do or say something wrong?” “Did I say too much?” “Did I scare them off?” “Was I too aggressive?” “Did they not find me attractive?” The list goes on and on. Did you ever consider that maybe you did something right, but they were not ready to go any further because they knew that they were not on the same page as you? Did you ever consider that your standards that you have set caused them to flee? Again I say, the sooner you know the better. You don’t have time to waste, nor do you want to waste anyone else’s time. There is no need to hold onto something that is just not for you. We complicate things by adding all these extra stuff onto it. The old saying goes, “If if don’t fit, don’t force it.” Remember, you are Single For 1. If they are not the 1, they need to move out of the way so the 1 can show up. Happy 1st dating. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Qualified Applicants Need Only Apply

July 27, 2011 at 3:07 pm

I had a conversation with a woman the other day as she described how she felt when she was out with a man for dinner. She had realized time and time again that he was just not the right fit, but she gave him the benefit of the doubt. Although he had money and knew how to put on a show, all the pieces of the puzzle just never seemed to line up. As she sat and began to think, she had to fight back tears from her eyes while at dinner because she realized how she was truly wasting her time all because she thought going out with this man was a good alternative to staying at home. However, going out with him only magnified the situation. Now she found herself feeling worse than when she was home alone. The bottom line was she had a desire for a good relationship, but she was practically selling herself out of happiness over a dinner. This brings us to the main reason for me writing this post. She informed me that there were no qualified candidates in her city. There are some of you right now who believe there are no qualified applicants in your city. There are some men reading this who believe there are no qualified women in your city. All of this is based off of one experience after another. However, if we take a closer look, we will realize that the proposed theory that there are no qualified applicants in your city does not hold up. Let us examine your routine shall we? Most individuals have a normal routine. Throughout the week you go back and forth to work and home, church, and maybe you go out with friends or go shopping. Most of the time, you shop at the same grocery store, go to the same mall, go to the same restaurants or hang out spot. So, you see the same people at work. Depending on the size of the company you work for, there may be others who work within the company that you have never seen. You may just know who is on your floor or who you bump into on your way into work or leaving work. It is safe to say that you can go to your local mall or grocery store and see different people every time. It is also safe to say that if you went to high school or college in your city, you have not even seen every person at another high school or college that was close by within the same city. If you attend a larger church, you have not seen every member of your church. If you attend a smaller church, you have not seen every member at another church right around the corner. Even if you live in a small town, there is a very strong possibility that you have not even seen every person who lives in your town. So, this leads us to the fact that the problem is not about qualified applicants being in your city; the issue is in meeting the qualified applicant. Not only that, but you could be around qualified applicants that have been overlooked. Sometimes your eyes won’t really be opened to an individual until you have had a conversation with them. It is very common to follow your normal routine and pass by the same person on a consistent basis and never have a conversation with them. You see “cute” people all the time, but of course that is never enough. Sometimes, it is not until you get to a conversation beyond hello that makes the difference. Nevertheless, there are still potential candidates in your city in which you have never seen or interacted with. With that being said, I submit 3 tips to get you through the application process.

1.)  Get Out Of Your Own Way- Yes, we must 1st begin with self. I have said this time and time again, you should not casual date if you are serious about being in a committed relationship, and you should not go out with time wasters for the sake of a good meal or just to get out of the house. When you do this, you will run the risk of becoming frustrated or leading the other person on. Stop making all types of excuses for why you do what you do if you know that what you are doing is not healthy for everyone involved. Get beyond the pity party and stop thinking that you are the only one going through the process. I know that it is not fun and everyone have their moments, but make sure it is just a moment and then get yourself together. Pity parties won’t get you anywhere. You still have a life to live, and there is no need to slow down the party just because one piece of a gigantic puzzle has not come into place. Focus on the pieces you have within your hands and let the others fall in place along the way. We can only control what we can control, and the rest is on God. So, we have to truly trust God.  Just recently I was waiting for some things to manifest in my life. I did my part and kept the faith, but it wasn’t until the words, “I trust you God” came out of my mouth that I realized I felt something different. I kept saying it over and over and over again. The more I said it, the more convicted I felt. It made me realize that I trusted God, but I trusted Him “just enough,” but “not enough.” It’s something that we don’t always think about. I wanted to see what I wanted to see manifest when I felt it was time for it to happen. However, I had to take a step back and realize what has already happened. Sometimes, we tend to forget what already happened because we are so consumed with what has not happened yet. How could we not fully trust the one who gives us breath that we didn’t ask for, eyes to see, ears to hear, mouth to speak, etc? We don’t necessarily ask for those things everyday, but He does it without us asking. What if we only got in life what we asked for daily? We would be missing out on a lot. Thank God, He also gives us what we don’t ask for. So, at the end of the day, we just need to get out of our own way and just do what we do. God loves meeting deadlines. He loves showing up just in time. It’s just in time for us, but He is always on time. Yes, He is always on time even when it comes to relationships. Just be careful not to be your own stumbling block. If we allow how we feel to lead us, we will bring about unnecessary problems. Switch up your routine every now and then. Go new places and try new things. Life does not stop. Get out of your way.

2.)  They Must Have Goals With a Plan- There is a difference between setting a goal and having a plan. You can have a goal, but never execute it. The only way it can be executed is with a plan. A goal is an end state or what you would like to accomplish, but you need an action plan to reach it. So, this applies to anyone you meet. When you begin having conversations with the applicant, soon enough, you need to find out what some of their goals are. I am not talking about dreams they have. Someone without goals and a plan is not effectively leading their own life. So, that is a good indication that they are not quite ready to add on any new responsibilities. Sure, they may be able to stumble through the process, but there is nothing like carrying out the plan. This is important to know because they may be going in a complete opposite direction from where you are going, and your views on major life aspects may not complement one another. There is a big difference in having a difference in opinions compared to a difference in lifestyles. You should not try to rush to the altar without a plan.  Ladies, IF HE DOES NOT HAVE A PLAN, HE IS NOT READY TO BE YOUR MAN! A man must lead. This does not let you off the hook women, because you too must have goals and a plan to go with it. The plan holds you accountable, and allows you to see the progress that you have made. Sometimes, you must adjust along the way. It is not fair for a woman to want a potential spouse with a plan, if you don’t have one yourself. Marriage is a team effort. Too often people stumble through life because although they want to accomplish certain things, they have no blueprint to help them get there. God is also a God of order and He expects us to give Him something to work with.

3.)  Don’t Ignore Red Flags- I have alluded to this in the past. Red flags are red flags for a reason. If you sense something is wrong, there is a strong possibility that you are right. These warning signs help you early on. The deeper you get, the harder it will be to separate. The warning signs are just like when you can tell something is not right with your health, and you finally go to the doctor after numerous warning signs. For some, had they gone earlier and the problem was diagnosed, the problem would not have been as bad. This is applicable to potential candidates. The more red flags you see, the more you need to seriously consider what you are getting into. If nothing else, you do best to slow down. Don’t ignore what is obvious for the sake of having someone around. Most people say they won’t do it, but when the situation presents itself, that is an entirely different matter. There is a difference between theory and putting that theory into practice. Let’s focus on putting the theory to practice. WHEN YOU PUT AN UNQUALIFIED CANDIDATE IN YOUR LIFE ON A QUALIFIED CANDIDATE’S PLAN, YOU CREATE A LEECH. The leech sucks up all that it can and then leaves. You are better than that and deserve better than that. Examine your potential applicants early on to try to avoid some easily fixable problems. Remember, you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

A Good Man Is Not Hard to Find

July 15, 2011 at 3:05 pm

I overheard a conversation the other day when I was in the gym between a man and a woman. They were talking about relationships and sex. I know this will come as a shock to some women, but it was not the woman who was doing the schooling, but it was the man. The man told the woman that she should not think like the world because the world will tell you that you have to “test drive” before you get married. In other words, the world says you should have sex with someone you are with before you get married to see what it is like. He told her that he is not worried about that because the woman who will be his wife, he does not have to “test drive” before he got married because he knew God would make it good. The woman had this perplexed look on her face. She told him that it is easier for a man to adjust to something like that than it is for a woman. She implied that it is easier for a man to teach a woman in the bedroom than it is for a woman to teach a man. She suggested that she was afraid that if she waited to have sex until she was married that she could be disappointed. So, she said that she needed to know what she was working with. The man proceeded to tell her that he knows that there are a lot of women who say they plan to wait until marriage when they meet someone new, but he said that many of them give into sex because they were not attempting to remain abstinent for the right reasons. He said their desire to remain abstinent should be to please the Lord, not to try to prove a point to themselves. The woman went on to say that some people just have good control. He said that he believed anyone who said they were in control when it came to sex was lying. He said that he remains humble because he understands that if put in a compromising situation, he could slip up. So, he said that he will not put himself in a position where it could happen. The woman then went on to say that she is a love addict. So, she loves hard, and she tries to protect herself from falling for the wrong individual. She stated that she wants a good man with good standards. However, she also implied that she has not been around many who have them.  She also talked about what she sees in other relationships. The man again pointed out that she could not look at everyone else. She seemed receptive to what the man was saying, and I could see in her eyes that she just didn’t know what she didn’t know.  She wanted better, but didn’t know how to do better.

You can’t do better if you don’t know better. Also, in order to attract someone with good standards, you must first have a set of good standards yourself. The woman said she had a set of standards that she set in reference to men from a good sermon she heard at her church. However, I was thinking that it was good that she had set those standards for a man. However, I was troubled that it sounded as though she had not set a standard for herself. I will begin by saying to the ladies, that from that random conversation I overheard in the gym, it would never make the news. I understand that there are men out there who are all about games, but there are still men with high standards and who desire to do it the right way. There are still good men looking for good woman. Some may feel that this man in the gym was an exception to the rule. However, just imagine how many more conversations across the world are happening just like the one I heard at the gym. I wanted to go and shake the man’s hand and tell him thank you for setting a good example, but I did not want them to know I heard the conversation. LOL..

So, I say to the women that there is a good man for you, and regardless of what the media says about the statistics, there are still good men looking for good women. This woman in the gym wanted a man with standards like the man who was talking to her, but to be honest, a man like him would not have wanted a woman like her based on her standards alone. He made a good point to her. He said that if women were more honest upfront, men would respect them more. What he was really saying was, set a standard and keep that standard and a man will have no choice but to respect you. I have said this before and I will say it again, it is not all on the men in our society. There are a lot of spoiled men because there are a lot of women who spoiled them. Some women and some men have made it harder for the good candidates who are ready. Nevertheless, we cannot focus on what happened then, we can only focus on what we can do now.  Educate one another because it may help the next person they come in contact with. There are some people you have been in relationships with that did not work out, but hopefully everyone involved learned lessons that will help them be better in the next. I will lay out 3 principles you should follow in any relationship.

1.)  Respect Yourself– Let’s be real. You can say something, but your actions can show otherwise. It’s not so much in what you say as it is in what you do. I have said this on numerous occasions that, if you don’t respect you, how can you expect anyone else to. I was scrolling through facebook the other day and saw someone’s status update in my news feed. It said, “Can someone please tell me what a Good Woman is? I mean, I don’t know of any woman who doesn’t think she is one. Even the hoe’s think they one.” Pardon the language, but I tried to keep it as authentic as possible. However, in the midst of that very statement, she made a true point. I myself have not met anyone who didn’t think they would make a great wife or a man who didn’t think he would make a great husband. Now, I have met people who said they were not ready, but no one who does not think they are not good. Even those who know they are playing games and enjoying it, they know what they do is wrong, but they still believe they are good men or women overall. I applaud the confidence level as we were taught as a child to have a good self-esteem. However, let us also not fool ourselves. We reap what we sow.  How can you expect to attract someone of good quality if you are operating below the level you should be on? Is it fair to think that you deserve more than what you are presenting? Yes, I know knockoffs will show up, but you don’t have to entertain them. I also know that there are some who presented themselves to be one way, and after the mask was removed, you saw another side. This is why those who are not qualified will sometimes make a move. This is because they still recognize quality when they see it. Respect yourself and even if folk find reasons not to like you, they will have to respect you because you walk what you talk. You do well if someone says they know they have to get right before they can be with you. It means you set a standard and commanded respect. Let them walk.

2.)   Don’t Compare What You Have to Anyone Else- One of the biggest mistakes you can ever make is to compare yourself or your relationship to someone else. You are setting yourself up for failure when you do this.  You don’t know what goes on fully in someone else’s relationship and there are 2 sides to every story, and the truth is somewhere in there. Focus on where you are and what you have. Don’t wonder how they got that person and why you are still alone. We all have our own cross to bear. Don’t go around wishing you had someone else’s because you don’t know the cost, just like they don’t know the cost of what it is you have to carry. Not to mention, there is only 1 you in the entire world, so there is no need to compare. Be happy with what the Lord has given you, and He will give you more and make it even better than you expected. The mistake you make is to say you want someone like what so and so has, but that type of someone may not even be a true fit for your personality. Let God fit the pieces of the puzzle together rather than you trying to create your own. Let’s be real, many have messed it up too many times when they thought they had it figured out. It’s amazing how what you thought you liked changes over time.

3.)  Communicate Your Expectations- The problem that happens in many relationships is that expectations are not communicated up front. Some decide to talk about expectations before marriage. Expectations are important because we are dealing with 2 individuals who are trying to come together. There may be things that make you tick that may not bother the other person. So, both of you should lay out expectations early on. Sometimes this does not come up until the other individual does something that upsets you. This will happen, but some of it can be prevented with proper communication early and often. What are your likes and dislikes? What do you expect in a mate? What is a complete turnoff? What do you feel you need from them? These are conversations that should occur, not with someone you just met, but with someone in which you both are talking about getting into a relationship. You supply limited information to someone you are getting to know. You don’t want to give away your entire blueprint to a potential thief. This is important because there are some who are not ready to meet those expectations. There are also some who will agree just to agree, but trust me, it will be time tested. Communication is key.

There are roadblocks that may come up on your journey, but don’t allow those roadblocks to deter you from moving forward. If you stay on the side of the road, you will impede your progress towards the 1. They are on that journey somewhere. You may not know when and where, but that is why it is so important that you keep moving forward. There are others who are on the same journey. They may have their own road to travel, but just know that you are never traveling alone. Like many others, you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Tricks Are For Kids: 3 Games You Should Quit!

June 10, 2011 at 3:00 pm

We have heard the saying from the famous cereal commercial Trix, “silly rabbit, Trix are for kids! Well, that commercial has some symbolism in it. Tricks or games truly are for kids. You don’t want to be that silly rabbit. Many individuals will say that they do not play games, but if you cosign with the person playing the game, then that makes you guilty by association. In other words, you have to hold them accountable because your time is valuable. Games that some individuals play while in a relationship or during the process with hopes of getting into a relationship are far too common. I cannot stress this enough, a man or a woman should know what they want. If you are not sure, then you do best to continue to find out what that is. Yes, there is a difference between what we want and what we need. However, God is more than able to make what you need become all that you want. Sometimes, what we think we want at one time is not really what we want. However, whether you are male or female, you should not sign up for games, neither should you play games yourself. So, I have included 3 games you should quit!

1.)  Don’t Lead Someone On If You Know You’re Really Not Interested

A book could be written on this alone. It amazes me on the number of individuals I have advised over the years; very few can ever admit to leading someone on or that they were playing games. As I stated before, you may not always be aware that you are playing games. I know that you are an outstanding citizen and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. However, you do more damage the longer you drag it on. Men do it to women and women do it to men. Be careful on the advice you take. Some of your friends who really want you to be with someone may say things such as, “give it time, they will grow on you”… “You are too picky”… “Get the most you can out of the situation because it’s not like you are getting married tomorrow”… “Leave your options open”… “You don’t know when you will meet someone like this again.” The list goes on and on. Guess what? At the end of the day, you and you alone will be with this person if you were to enter a relationship. Pity relationships are just like playing games.

If you know that the person is interested in you, you must be careful not to lead them on even if you have no intentions of leading them on. If you have had the talk with them that you are just friends and that is all you desire, then it is on that person to decide if they can handle being friends. Everyone who is interested in you cannot handle just being friends even if some of them pretend to. Some can handle it and some cannot. However, don’t be upset if they change on you. If they could not get what they wanted, they will move on. That is ok. You did your part by being honest. However, be careful not to take advantage of the person because you now know that they have “feelings” for you. Don’t use that as an opportunity to do what you want when you want just because you know how the person feels and think they will not go anywhere. Keep in mind that they are interested in you and will likely take your signs as to mean you are interested or will soon be interested. I know, I know you may think, “That’s not my fault if they feel a certain way after I told them I don’t see them like that.” Yes, but what are your actions showing? Are you saying or doing anything that contradicts what you said?” Are you treating them like a yo-yo and bringing them around only when it’s convenient? Perhaps you are not blinded by emotion, but perhaps they are. If you recognize it, you can help rectify it.

Don’t play with words or phrases like maybe one day, possibly, we will see, I’m not sure, etc. You need say what you mean and mean what you say. If someone is really into you, they may play on your every word. “Maybe” sounds like, if I stay around, you will come around and feel the same way. It does not take all that. Feelings are real, and you would not like it if it was done to you. We do know that we reap what we sow. If they’re not the 1, they’re just not the 1. The sooner you realize it and accept it the better. Don’t keep someone around just because you feel you need someone around. We are all adults, so govern yourself accordingly. IF YOU PLAY THE GAME, BE PREPARED FOR THE GAME TO EVENTUALLY PLAY YOU!

2.)   Don’t Go On A Date With Someone That You Know Stands No Chance

I am not going to overly spiritualize this and say everyone is beautiful in God’s eyes, etc. We already know that everyone is beautiful, but everyone is not beautiful to you.  So let’s be real. There are some people who you know would strike out before they even got a fair chance. Ok, so if you want to be real spiritual, let’s try this. Would you give a crack addict, a person on the side of the road, or a known “player or gold digger” an opportunity for a date? Perhaps some would because they think they can change them or fix them. That’s another topic for another day. Not that these people cannot be restored, but you also understand that they have other things they need to deal with 1st. There has to be some type of attraction whether physical, spiritual, intellectual, etc. I’ve touched on this before: women, be careful with all these “free” meals. I learned in high school in my Economics class the acronym TINSTAAFL-THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH. It applies to this as well. Someone who is interested in you is not really doing anything for free. They may very well be looking for something in return. Perhaps they are hoping to get to know more about you. However, if you are really not interested in getting to know them, WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME AND THEIR TIME? So, you should not really get upset when he calls and is upset because he thought that perhaps something could develop or more could come out of it. He may now think you are the worst person in the world because you are playing games in his mind. I am not talking about those who want to play games or those who are just trying to get you in the bed. You should be able to spot those a mile away over time and put them in their place. I am talking about those who truly are looking for something special. Especially if you knew that this was not a business dinner or 2 friends going out. It is not 2 friends going out if the other person is interested. Please don’t try to sell me on you didn’t know they were interested because The Duke is not buying it.

Women and men for the most part know way more than they give off. Are you implying that this man who you really don’t know all that well asked you out on a date because he just had to spend money or had nothing else to do? Sure, there are exceptions to every rule, but let’s get real. Either way, time was set aside for you. Of course, the same applies to men. Men, why go out with a woman if you know you are not ready to commit to anyone? Why go out with a woman if you know she is not the type of person you would ever consider being in a relationship with? At the end of the day, men do it and women do it and it needs to stop if you are serious about a healthy relationship.

3.)  Stop Looking For the Rebound Person

Don’t hurt the next person just because the last person hurt you. No one really enjoys hearing all of what the last person did or did not do because in their mind, they are saying that they are not the last person. We have heard it said that “hurt people hurt people.” If you are still hurt and still holding onto the past, you do best to sit it out and wait until you are healed from the past hurt.  I also know that sometimes you may not know that you are until you meet someone else who does something that triggers your thought process to what happened in the past. However, whenever it happens, just know that you must face it head on and don’t run from it or try to ignore it. There is not much worse than the “Rebound”. You know, the person you link up with because someone recently hurt you and you just want to feel better with someone new being there. Well, now you are running the risk of putting the same hurt on the new person that the last person put on you. You must be careful that you do not seek a rebound, and also that you are not the rebound. No one likes to be used. You are typically emotional after someone just hurt you. Yes, women may show it more, but men are still impacted. Everyone reacts to being hurt no matter how much of a façade they put on. Hurt can be demonstrated through anger. Either way, the rebound is not fun. You know when it’s a rebound, but few admit it. It just happens to be someone who comes around at the right time, and when you come to your senses, oftentimes you realize that you got yourself into a mess. Some actually decide to stay in it.

Games are not for you, and when you know someone is doing it, call them out. Remind them early and often that you are not signing up to play games. However, the choice is on you if you participate or not. IF YOU PLAY IN A PIG PEN, ALL YOU COME UP WITH IS SLOP! As usual, remember that you are not single for anyone, you are Single For 1, and you hold yourself to a higher standard. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Are There Any Good Men or Women Left?

June 3, 2011 at 1:14 pm

This is a question that some individuals may ask themselves when they are frustrated with the current dating landscape. After trial and error, some feel that it still seems that some people just can’t do right. There are some women who become frustrated and feel as though men play too many games. There are men who feel like women don’t really know what they want. So, we often find one side bashing the other side and placing the blame on the other sex. Well, it is safe to say that both sides have made mistakes along the way. However, the danger comes into play when you begin to put everyone into one category. Each individual is different, even though there may be some similarities along the way. If you really believed that the majority of the opposite sex was hopeless, then you would lose all desire for a spouse. Some have become so scarred that they play the I will hurt you before you hurt me game. Now, you have fallen into the trap and are becoming the exact thing that you despise.

So, are there any good men left for women? Are there any good women left for men? This answer is easier than you think. If you were to look into a mirror, there you will find the answer. Are you a good woman? Are you a good man? If the answer is yes, then there are good men and women left. Yes, I know that there are not too many people in the world who don’t think they are good. However, you know right from wrong. I don’t buy into the theory that some women make in believing that the good men of their race are being taken by women of other races due to a number of reasons. When you make those types of statements, you are really putting yourself down. You are practically saying that you are not good enough. If this is not done, then the blame is put on the man that they do not want a real woman. How can you get mad at a man for making a choice with who he wants to spend the rest of his life with? They just did you a favor by not wasting your time.  At the end of the day, was that man your husband? No, so keep it moving. You are not going to marry all men; you are going to marry The Man.

I also do not buy into the theory that some men make that too many women have bad attitudes. Ok, let’s do a little investigation here. Yes, you should know if you have a bad attitude. If you pray to God to show you where you come short, I assure you that you will be able to see because you want to be the best you. However, the perception of what a bad attitude is can be somewhat flawed. Let us 1st examine what a bad attitude is: A bad attitude is not knowing how to talk to someone in a respectful manner, always negative, never encouraging, always finding fault, a complainer and just being down right mean. If you do an honest self-assessment and find that you possess some of these qualities, then you should work on your attitude. Don’t work on it for someone else, work on it for you. Would you want to be with you?

Now let us examine what a bad attitude is not: You don’t have a bad attitude if you just refuse to play games; call someone out on their mess, won’t lower your standards, have expectations from the person you are with and holding them accountable if they constantly repeat the same errors; expect actions to line up with words. These are not classifications of a bad attitude, these are classifications of someone who knows what they deserve and will not take anything less than being treated the right way. Some individuals do not like accountability or when you don’t jump at their every word. Yes, the man must prove he is worthy of the gift and pursue. No free passes. The woman must also show that she is ready to be presented as a gift and ready to be pursued. This does not require a woman to be aggressive. You demonstrate this by continuing to work on you. The right man will have no problem putting in work and time for his gift. The right woman will have no problem expressing her gratitude to the right man. It is a mutual respect.

So, there are good men and women left whether one chooses to believe it or not. If you know that you are a good man or woman, there are other good men and women out there too. For the women, the good thing is that you don’t have to go looking for him, because he is looking for you. I know the frustrating thing for a lot of women is that you can’t control the timing of when that happens. For men, the good thing is that you know she is waiting for you to find her. The frustration comes in with the timing in finding her. At the end of the day, neither side can truly control when it happens. She cannot control when she is found, and he cannot control when he finds her. Sure, you can leave God out of it and just jump with the 1st person who is willing to jump on board with you, but you have waited too long to just settle. Every relationship will take work. YOU SHOULD PREFER TO INVEST TIME AND ENERGY INTO THE RIGHT ONE WHO WILL MULTIPLY YOUR INVESTMENT RATHER THAN TO INVEST IN THE WRONG ONE WHO TAKES WHAT YOU INVESTED AND SPEND IT WITH SOMEONE ELSE! You went through too much to allow this to happen repeatedly. So, it’s not in quantity, it is in quality. Invest in those who demonstrate they are investment worthy in your life. This is why I say often that casually dating someone is a waste of time because you are not really expecting much in return. Date with a purpose. There are great men and women left because you know you are. The problem is that there are some living below their potential. Just be careful who you invest into in reference to relationships. Everyone is not capable of handling a good thing right now, but some are. Thank God that you are not everyone, but you are someone’s ONE!  Remember that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

What Do I Do While I Wait?

May 27, 2011 at 3:04 pm

I am continuing the series on Back to the Basics. This has been a topic that I have received a lot of questions about over time. I did a blog not long ago talking about the waiting game and how everyone must wait; even men must wait if they truly desire a certain type of woman. We do not have to debate about who has it harder when it comes to waiting. Many women will argue that it is harder for them to wait because the man has to pursue them. That is a great point, but a man must also wait for God to show Him who He has ordained for Him. Sure, the man has a choice, but the woman will also have a choice. I will be a little more transparent for you. I am a man who desires to marry my wife. Could I have been married by now? Sure! I could have been married by now because there are women who would have said yes if I asked. Could a lot of women be married now? Sure! There are many women who have talked to men who would have married you in a heartbeat. However, we all have choices to make, and you don’t want that choice to be independent of God. Scripture tells us to “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).” So, we should want Him to direct our paths in everything that we do. So, that would mean that both men and women must wait whether we like it or not. Both parties involved must both agree to that choice you make. I would much rather God direct me in making that choice as to me making a choice based off of feelings. Feelings come and go. Feelings can be deceitful. Yes, there are those who do whatever it is they want and will take whatever they can get. There are also those who will settle for less than they deserve because they feel like time is running out. There are also those who have a short God conscience and base their decisions off of feelings alone. However, if you subscribe to this blog, that will not describe you. You are in fact Single For 1.

So, now that we have established that, what in the world do you do while waiting? I will give you 3 things that will keep you occupied while waiting.

1.)  Pursue Your Dreams

This seems fairly obvious. We know that we need to identify our purpose in life. You have heard that time and time again. So, I will not go into detail with that. We never stop dreaming in life. When most people achieve success in an area they have been working hard for, they don’t stop when they get there. They don’t stop because they get more vision and see more things they can do. Dreams are meant to be expanded. There is no such thing as a final destination until we leave this earth. So, dreams will continue to expand. Don’t make excuses as to why you are not where you are or doing what you really desire to do because you are waiting for your spouse. God placed dreams in us. We just need to decipher which dream God has for us to pursue as to which dreams we just want for ourselves. For our extra analytical people in the group, I will address what you are thinking. I am sure some of you are saying, “Well my dream is to get married, so how do I pursue that?” Well, we know that it takes 2. To entertain marriage would require a potential candidate. If that candidate is currently not on the scene, then you continue to LIVE LIFE. That is key. I have come to find that some of us have forgotten how to live life, which leads me to point #2.

2.)  Live Life For Real

We talk about getting married, but I advise that you make the most of your single life because it’s one of the few moments in life where you can truly be selfish and for the most part only have to consider you! Parents will attest to this fact.

I did not stop to consider that there are singles who have forgotten how to live life. You watch fairy tale movies on tv, reality shows that depict men and women in a negative light, etc. What do you do when you are single and you have put all the clubbing and partying days behind you? For starters, being a single Christian does not mean you have to live a boring life. It does not mean you can no longer dance if you loved to dance. Too many singles have gotten in the routine of going to work and going home…going to work and going home. I had not realized how busy I had gotten and was missing out on the living part of life until I hung out with some friends. I had a good time and realized that I had neglected myself. The sad thing is I was perfectly comfortable in my routine. Really, I was PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE ON CHEATING MYSELF OUT OF LIFE. Don’t cheat yourself. IF YOU CHEAT YOURSELF OUT OF LIFE, YOU MAY ONLY HAVE PIECES OF YOU TO OFFER TO SOMEONE ELSE RATHER THAN ALL OF YOU! Where is the fun when your routine is the same every week? So, all you have time to do is think about what you don’t have. Now, all you do is think about reasons why you think you don’t have a spouse or reasons why something is wrong with everyone of the opposite sex or with you. Don’t allow idle time cause you to think yourself mad. When you do that, you are giving power to people who really could care less what you are doing at the moment. You have to take control of your life because it is YOUR LIFE! You insult yourself when you cheat yourself out of life. You insult God when you sit around and waste days thinking about who you don’t have rather than focusing on who you do have. Don’t focus on who left, focus on who stayed. Even if you feel like it is just you by yourself, it just means you have a fresh start.

Do something different. Get out and have fun. I know someone who took themselves out to dinner and had a great time. They even met some interesting people who actually approached them while they were enjoying dinner by themselves. That sounds depressing to some of you I know. So, hang out with friends. If you don’t have anyone who you feel you can hang out with because they aren’t interested in doing what you like to do then join a group or organization with similar hobbies. Join a book group, bike group, car group, sports group, health/fitness group, cooking group, etc. If they don’t have what you enjoy in your area then create your own and invite others to join. Everything starts with an idea. Guess what? I know this will be radical for some, but here it goes…..  YOU CAN’T KNOW SOMEONE UNTIL YOU MEET THEM. You didn’t know your friends until you met them. Let me also make this point. Women, I am not saying go out there and try to position yourself. You don’t have to position yourself for a man. He still pursues. When a man and a woman choose to live life, they are automatically placed in position. We only get 1 life on this side, so do yourself a favor and enjoy your life. WHEN YOU LEARN TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE, YOU ATTRACT OTHERS WHO ENJOY THEIRS! Ask yourself this question and answer honestly: Would you want to hang out with you? If you said no, then you can start today by making plans to live your life. Yes, there are some things we cannot control, but we can control what we do with our time! There is no such thing as a boring life unless we create it.

3.)  Don’t Focus on the Past

I have said this on more than one occasion. Don’t lose your today by focusing on yesterday. You can learn from the past and move forward. Past experiences give us just that, an experience. One of the most powerful ministries we can have is the ministry of experience because you can help others and yourself in the future. Don’t allow past relationships that went bad cause you to view all of the opposite sex in a negative light. All relationships will require work. All marriages require work. So, if you thought getting married is when you can take off, that is not true. It requires work. Every individual is different. Yes, because you have experience and have gained more wisdom, you can pick up on signs early on. You can tell when someone is playing games early on. However, don’t allow yesterday to cripple you. Don’t entertain someone who continuously disappoints and has proven time and time again that they are about games. IF YOU TAKE A CHANCE ON SOUR MILK, YOU CAN’T GET MAD IF YOU GET A STOMACH ACHE! We have heard the saying that “hurt people hurt people.” So, you must assess your situation and see if you need healing. Some people think they are over something until something similar presents itself. If you react in the same manner, then you are not over it. Some things you don’t realize you are carrying until something triggers it. The key is in knowing what to do when it comes up. Handle it on a person to person basis. DON’T LET THE OLD NEWS CAUSE YOU TO MISS OUT ON THE NEW NEWS! It is a new day in your life and the past is not invited. DON’T LOOK THROUGH OLD GUEST LISTS EXPECTING TO GET SOMETHING NEW! Keep going forward. Remember as always, you are Single For 1! That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

5 Bad Rules You Should Break

May 19, 2011 at 2:50 pm

I am continuing in the series entitled, Back to the Basics. There are some rules that some follow that are just bad rules, and they should be broken. I don’t know where they originated from, but I do know that if you practice them, you should break them right about now.

Bad Rule #1: Wait 2-3 Days to Call Someone After You Get Their Number

Let us remind ourselves, that if you are serious about life in general, you don’t have time for mindless games. Here is a side note: I do not support women getting the man’s phone number and calling him 1st when there is potential for a relationship or any attraction or interest. If it’s not business of some sort, you just do best to avoid getting a man’s number. This goes back to a reminder from last week’s post, the man pursues. So, men, it does not mean that you are desperate if you call before this bogus 2-3 day timeframe. The key is that you have her number, so take the time out to call her when you are ready and have made time, not just waiting for a couple of days to go by for a silly rule. What sense does it make to really be excited to talk to this woman, but forcing yourself to wait 2-3 days to make the contact? If you take 2-3 days to call her, let it be for a legitimate reason. However, please note that a woman is not typically impressed by long delays. She took the time out to give you her number, which also means she should value her time as should you. She may be expecting your call. You can also run the risk of the woman getting upset because you are taking so long to call, and she may begin to think you are playing games. You don’t want to start off on the wrong foot because when her mind is made up, it can be difficult to change it when you have no proven history with her.

With that being said, both men and women should not play the game of who called who last. This is where either the woman called the man last or the man called the woman last, so you feel that you should not call back until the other persons calls you next. If you both are interested in each other, that should not matter. Of course, if you feel that it is one-sided over time, then that is a red flag you need to be watching. Once you have begun communicating, it is acceptable for the woman to now contact the man because at this point you are beginning to build something. However, don’t do it a moment sooner. The man still must pursue. Of course the man wants to know that you are equally interested in getting to know him better. However, in the beginning, the man should make the contact as stated before.

 Bad Rule #2: You Should Go to Dinner and a Movie on the 1st Date

BORING!! This seems to be the template for 1st dates, but it is not the only thing you can do. There is nothing wrong with it, but men, this is your opportunity to be creative.  Yes, the most important thing is that you are getting to know each other better by spending time, but don’t put yourself in a box. Think outside of the box. Sure, dinner is good because you can eat and have good dialogue over dinner. However, in many cases the woman will try to be cute with her eating, and the man may hold back a little too. You will have very little conversation at the movies. Sure, it may make for good conversation after, but you can only talk about a movie for so long. That is valuable time you could have been spending with each other and getting to know each other elsewhere. Again, dinner and a movie are ok, but try something new.

Bad Rule #3: Cooking is Just For Women

Eating is a necessity in life. Most women during ancient times would do most of the cooking because the man went out to kill the food to bring home for her to cook. It is very possible in today’s society that a man may work from home and his wife may work at another location. So, when you get married and are home all day, it would not hurt to do something around the house until she gets home. Team effort! So, a man should not solely depend on a woman to cook as a woman should not solely depend on a man to cook. If it works out that way where the woman does most of the cooking, that is perfectly acceptable. However, it is not the rule. What would happen if masses of women began to say, “I need a man who can cook?!” Some tradition has its place. This is not a horrible tradition, but when you are married, both of you are part of a team. You do what works for the both of you and what you agree upon. However, it would not be a bad idea for both to learn how to cook a few things. Learn together, it could be fun. There’s an idea for you for bad rule #2, you can go out on a 1st date to a cooking class. It is fun, brings laughter, and you both are doing something together. You also get to eat it at the end. Side note: Men, this will not question your masculinity. It’s something different in a good way and can be more memorable than a typical movie and dinner because it’s different. You can still have great conversation.

 Bad Rule #4: You Can Kiss On The 1st Date


Bad Rule #5: You Think I Should Go Into More Detail with Bad Rule #4

Ok, so maybe I will. I don’t think it needs much explanation, but perhaps it does. Bad Rule #4 is meant to be broken. I don’t know where that bad rule came from, but it seems to be very common in this society. Let’s keep in mind, you are Single For 1.  Some of you are frowning because you are thinking it is something you would never do. However, anything is possible, and if you are out with someone you find very attractive and they are very impressive on the 1st date, you may surprise yourself. So, I am preparing you so that you will prepare yourself to be on guard. Some of you have kissed on a 1st date, and I am not judging you at all. I am putting it in perspective. For starters, you may very well not know this person like that. If I may use slang, “you don’t know them from Adam.” Sure, there may be a physical attraction, but that’s too many points on the 1st date given to the other person. Slow your roll and take your time. How many of you had great 1st dates and terrible seconds? Better yet, how many of you had what you thought was a great date, but no 2nd date ever came? So, what happens if you’ve been on a few dates in a short amount of time? Are you kissing them too if the date goes well? Don’t sign up to be a kissing bandit.

The Real Bad Rule #5: You Should Go on a Date With Someone You Just Met

Sure, this happens. A man asks a woman for her number and if he can take her out. The phone call is just to set up where you all will be going and what time. This is common, and it is not horrible as long as you are in a public place. You don’t want to be linking up with any stranger. I am not saying you should not go on a 1st date with someone you just met, but I will help save you some time. So, this is why it will serve you well to talk on the phone with the person a few times before you go out on a date. This will give an opportunity for both the man and woman to get to know a little about each other. You can also save yourself a lot of time and energy upfront. The initial conversation on the phone or some afterwards may be enough for one of you to realize that you don’t care to go out with them based on what you talked about. This is not about a free meal. Many women have had free meals, but could barely endure the date. Many men have paid for meals hoping the date would end soon.  Ladies, don’t cheat yourself just for a filet mignon that will have you hungry again in an hour. It’s just not worth it. Not only that, now you run the risk of leading someone on. DON’T LOWER YOUR STANDARDS TO GO ON A DATE FOR A FREE MEAL BECAUSE YOU MAY WALK OUT WITH FOOD POISONING! And I am talking about from something other than the food.  Ladies, why accept the date, if he already struck out? Men, why go on the date if she has struck out? At the end of the day, if you are on your journey towards marriage, take it seriously in everything you do. If you don’t take it seriously, no one else will. If you don’t care, no one else will. Remember, You are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke

Back to The Basics!

May 13, 2011 at 1:21 pm

When did society take a turn? When did the simple things become so complex? When did men stop approaching women and women started approaching men? When did that become a norm in our society? When did a man begin to think that a woman was supposed to roll out the red carpet for him when he has not proven himself? When did a woman become convinced that she had to lower her standards just to get a man? We may not know when this all began to be pumped into society to where it has become a norm as opposed to the exception. Nevertheless, we have to get back to the basics. The basics are the simple things. It is like Relationship 101. The problem is that too many individuals are trying to skip to the advanced level without first mastering the basics. One must 1st learn to count before they can complete any math formula. STOP ALLOWING PEOPLE TO GRADUATE IN YOUR LIFE WHEN THEY NEVER PASSED THE TEST! That means that they will not be equipped when you run into real challenges. Get back to the basics. So, I will outline a few basic principles that we must keep in mind on this journey towards healthy relationships and marriage.

1.)  A Man Pursues a Woman- Well, this is about as basic as it comes. However, this 1st principle alone has become so complex. I have lost count of how many women I have consulted who are frustrated that men find them intimidating. To make matters worse, it’s true that some men are intimidated by certain women. Since when did having standards, serving God, being about your business, pursuing your goals and just being a flat-out great package become intimidating? Since when did a woman have to apologize for being who God made her to be? This should be seen as a great opportunity to potentially connect with a woman who is not looking for a Bailout, which is simply for a man to come along and rescue them. You don’t want a spouse to complete you; you need them to complement you. I have said before that complete means a finished product, and no more learning or changing can occur. If you can’t find comfort and peace in God alone, can’t no man fill that void. Only God has the ability to fill voids. He does not send people to fill voids, he sends people so you can have more of what you need to fulfill His will. The problem is that a strong person can unintentionally shine a light on someone else’s insecurities. When someone intimidates you, it means that they frighten or threaten you. The last thing you want in a relationship is competition between each other. That could never work because in marriage 2 are becoming 1. You cannot be with someone who is jealous of your successes. If nothing else, the higher one goes, the higher the other goes because you are supposed to be in it together.  Men, I submit to you that YOU SHOULD NOT WANT A WOMAN WHO ONLY TAKES AWAY, YOU SHOULD WANT A WOMAN WHO ADDS ON! Let the ego go. You both should be able to add on to each other.  Women, do not water yourself down for the sake of getting just a man. Adam was blown away when he first saw Eve. So men, it’s ok if she is breathtaking, but get yourself together and pursue. A woman does not find great joy when you say things to them like: You must have a boyfriend, you are too pretty to be single, too intelligent to be alone, etc. That is not a compliment.  If nothing else, it is frustrating and makes you sound insecure. If any of those were true for the current moment, why would you be attempting to have a conversation with her? Don’t strike out before you even start. Women, stop thinking that you need to help a man say what is on his mind. Better yet, stop thinking you can read a man’s mind. He does not need his hands held. He is no longer a child, not on a bottle, and does not need you to be his mother. You should not want to be his mother, nor can you be. If that’s what it appears he is asking for, send him back home to his mama. A wife needs a husband, not a child. A man needs a wife, not another mother. If he cannot step up to the plate, then he is just not the 1. As I say time and time again, a man knows what he wants and will go after it. You won’t have to do any guessing.

 2.)  Know Yourself- Sure, everyone under the sun thinks they know who they are. However, when certain circumstances arise where you are tested, that helps you see where you really are. If you don’t know enough about you, how can you attempt to build a relationship with someone else for the long-term? There is no need to waste someone else’s time when you already know they don’t possess most of what it is that you desire. The old saying goes, “if it don’t fit, don’t force it.” Too many broken relationships are a direct cause of trying to make something work when you see all the signs as to why it will not work. Remember these 2 simple rules and it will save you a lot of time….A.)You cannot change anyone. B.) You cannot make anyone love you unconditionally no matter how hard you try or how much you do.  The key is being confident in who you are. You are who you are and there is no one else in the entire world that is exactly like you. That automatically makes you unique. Stop apologizing for who you are. You may not apologize through your words for who you are, but too many are doing it by changing who they are to try to make a relationship work that wasn’t supposed to work to begin with. THE MOMENT YOU LOWER YOUR STANDARD IS THE MOMENT YOU CHEAPEN YOUR WORTH! You can make all the excuses in the world for why you did it, but the only person in the mirror looking back at you is you. Here is another formula that is proven: A.) Eventually, you will get back what you expect, and you will only put up with what you allow.  Know yourself.

3.)  Don’t Complicate Things- It is or it isn’t. Anything after that complicates things. The man wants to be with the woman and the woman wants to be with the man. If both are not on the same page, that equals instant complication. Sitting around guessing what the other person is thinking creates complications.  Sure, when feelings are involved, things have the potential to get complicated. Communication is key. I am talking about verbal communication backed by action. You cannot go just by what someone says unless they have a proven track record with you. Words must be backed by action. You complicate things when you hear one thing, but see another and ignore it. Whenever you pretend not to see certain signs, you are saying that you choose to ignore it. That’s when excuses begin to come into play. Things get complicated when you hang on to words and hope that eventually the actions will line up. Everything will not always be easy, but if you are going to go to war, make sure that you are going to war with someone who is willing to fight with you. It is difficult to walk away, but it’s much more pain to stay around and leave your heart exposed to someone who is just not on the same page with you.  You deserve the best that is for you, and you have to demand the best. I WOULD RATHER WAIT FOR A SEASON FOR THE RIGHT 1 RATHER THAN TO SACRIFICE A LIFETIME WITH THE WRONG 1! Don’t live below your potential. No matter what has happened or what is happening right now. It does not matter if it appears no one is in sight, and you don’t even see a potential mate. God specializes in Next Day deliveries. What took years can literally change overnight. God has you covered. Remember, you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke