Should I Let Him Go?

February 11, 2016 at 9:00 am


Diary of A Future Spouse

Dear Duke,

I met this guy January this year. We started dating and things were ok as he was spending more time with me. Problems started in May when he said I don’t spend enough time with him. I told him I don’t want to rush things. I introduced him in July.

You Will Wish You Valued Me!

August 7, 2014 at 9:00 am


Miss me

It’s amazing how some people don’t know how good they had it until they no longer have it. Perhaps you were in a relationship or just simply getting to know someone who clearly did not truly appreciate the gift that you were, and later on they realize how much they messed up. There are some who realize it, but they will never tell you. That’s not your problem, because at the end of the day, you’re on your way towards the 1.

The Gift of Goodbye

October 11, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Letting go of someone for one reason or another is always one of the most difficult things we may face because it has such an emotional impact on us. One of the challenges is the fact that it takes us through so many emotions. Boyz II Men had a song that said, “It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.” That is true in many different ways.


You may have to let someone know that you can no longer continue in the relationship that has been formed. However, you may say the words, but your heart feels something else. One of the most used phrases I specifically hear women say in these situations is, “I meant what I said, but I thought he would have fought harder for us.”  So, saying goodbye is literally easier said than done.


You may very well realize that it’s time to say goodbye, but why does goodbye hurt the way it does? Even if the person did wrong by you, why do you still feel for them? There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way, but it’s simply that you put your time, energy and your heart into someone. This doesn’t repair overnight unless God does a miracle.


You may have rehearsed in your mind how the conversation was going to go, but it doesn’t always go according to plan, especially when you are saying goodbye not because you want to but because you know you need to. It won’t always mean that something bad happened, but sometimes goodbye is necessary if it’s just not a good fit. I have said this numerous times; just because a person is good to you does not automatically mean they are good for you.


In saying all of that, goodbye is really a gift, especially when it is the best thing for you, regardless of the temporary pain. It places you in a position to where you can heal. I would rather deal with temporary pain than a lifetime of heartache. Goodbye is a gift because it takes courage to say it. Goodbye is a gift because it clears the road for the right one to come in.


You may have been faced with and are facing a difficult decision right now. You may still be recovering from a goodbye. You may be upset because you said goodbye and the other person seemed to move on like you meant nothing to them. Either way, goodbye is not your enemy in relationships but it is your friend.


I know how difficult it is even for big and strong you with your tough outer shell and no nonsense demeanor. However, both men and women have internal struggles with the aftermath of goodbye. Feelings are real!


I have outlined 3key points to help you embrace the gift of goodbye.


1.)  It’s Ok to Feel Lonely- Don’t let anyone fool you. There comes a time when even the busiest single person who still has a desire to marry have moments of being lonely and moments when they wish they had a mate. Some people have demonized singles for too long having singles to believe that loneliness is some illness or that you are desperate.


Loneliness only becomes a problem when you make an irrational decision off of your loneliness. Other than that, loneliness is a feeling. If you have ever put time and love into a person and you had to say goodbye, you will miss things about them. Even if they did a lot of wrong things to hurt you, you may still dig and reminisce on the good times.


This does not make you a bad person; this simply makes you a person with feelings. Humans have a mind, will and emotions. Just because you missed something about a person does not mean that you will be back with them. It’s simply your most recent reference point to a relationship you were in.


Oftentimes, it’s not even truly wrapped up in that person, but it is wrapped up into something deeper. It’s ultimately that everyone wants to be loved, and everyone wants to feel needed. That’s an innate human condition. If that is the last reference point and relationship memory you have, even if it’s tainted love, you may still feel some type of way about it.


Some make the mistake and fall back in the cycle with that person, when it was never solely that person you were missing, rather it was the type of love that you were seeking. You are seeking true love, but perhaps because of the fear of being lonely, you settled for a false love. A false love is simply something posing as love.


This is not always discovered up front because everyone has the capacity to love. We have been wired to love. The coldest of hearts still has the capacity to love someone. This is why some people may always have a place in your heart. It does not mean you will ever or should ever be with them again, it’s just that love is not something that can just be erased. However, just because you love them does not mean you are supposed to be with them.  This is an important fact to remember.


Nonetheless, remember that loneliness does not have to control you. You shouldn’t feel bad for having feelings, but it’s what you do with those feelings that count.


2.)  You Must Do What’s Best For You- This is not a selfish act. This is a survival act. This is for the sake of your sanity. The gift of goodbye will help you survive in the world of love and relationships. Most people go through quite a number of relationships before they get to the right one with the 1.


You may have various life experiences from relationships that has stretched you and made you a better person. For some, it has jaded your view of or hopes for a lasting relationship. That simply means that you must experience the healing process. Your last relationship was just that, it was your last relationship. Now you start with a clean slate.


You should take the lessons you learned from the last one, but don’t let the last one keep you in bondage from moving forward. Don’t allow the last relationship have power over you and your feelings. This is easier said than done until the healing occurs. The 1st step is to admit that you were hurt, disappointed, etc. If you can’t admit how it made you feel, this makes it easier for you to lie to yourself until the feelings are triggered and come to the surface.


You must do what is best for you. The last thing you want to do is to stay in something when the time has expired. How do you know the time has expired? One sign is when you begin making a lot of excuses for why the other person does or does not do certain things. Another sign is you practically begging a person to change. We all know people change when they see the need for change, want change and embrace change. Most people have an idea when things are not really going in the right direction or when you both aren’t on the same page. One major indication is that you’re simply not truly happy.


Happy can also be deceiving. I’ve consulted many people who were happy at 1st and caught up in the moments. You’re not looking to be happy; you are looking for a true joy and a peace. Our emotions are very powerful, so we must also learn when our emotions are trying to get the best of us. If not careful, emotions will convince you to stay when God is saying go. Think about it, your emotions must be attached to something physical; your spirit is attached to the invisible.


So, it’s often easier to go off our emotions because it’s attached to what we can directly see. So, we must recognize that although there are some things we don’t “feel” like doing, it may very well be the thing we need to do. More times than not, no one feels like saying goodbye and starting over, but if it needs to be done, you know you must do it.


Sometimes the best thing for you is to accept the gift of goodbye because you may be in it, but your mind or their mind may have said goodbye a long time ago. It becomes more challenging because the heart and mind aren’t always on one accord. The heart has a mind of its own. Remember that what a person says should also line up with what they do.


3.)  Life Is Not Over- I know that when your heart has experienced a devastating blow, for moments at a time, it feels like everything has caved in on you. You may lose hope or become so upset until you say that you don’t care anymore. It hurts too much to think of starting over.


Life is filled with a lot of starting over. We started over from elementary to middle to high school. We started over from high school to college, etc. We started over from 1 job to another. You started over when you had a child. Yes, you have even started over from 1 relationship to another.


Life is filled with transitions. We all go through seasons and all seasons come with transitions in between. You woke up this morning, so that means you still have life on earth.


The gift of goodbye simply comes to help usher you from one chapter in your life to another.


I’m reminded of a story of a woman who was about to board a plane and she was in tears, and those she was saying goodbye to were also in tears. She didn’t want to say goodbye, but she knew she had to board the plane. She boarded the plane and when it landed to her next destination, there were people cheering and excited and had tears of joy. She was elated and could not stop smiling.


So, on one side of her journey she had to say goodbye and her heart was heavy, but on the other side of her landing, there was joy. If she didn’t go through the process of getting on the plane and stayed when it was time to depart, she would have delayed the type of joy she got on the other side.


I say all that to say, embrace the gift of goodbye when it is necessary, although it may hurt for a little while because on the other side of your goodbye is the gift of hello. Hello is a new start and it’s possible that your next hello may be for the rest of your life.


As always, remember that you are Single For 1. That is all for now.

Your Singles Advisor,

The Duke